The Nymph, the Spirit, and the Bird

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“The Nymph, the Spirit, and the Bird”
By theluckyflower

Okay, before you read this, there are just a few things I would like to say –

1) Some of you might find this piece of work familiar. Well, it is. I accidentally posted this in the poem section. Big, stupid mistake, I know!

2) With that said, I would also like to ask that you give good, sharp criticism about my work. I mean, don't say "it sucks!/ you're horrible!/ never write again!" of course. However, I am relatively new at writing short, fantasy stories, so give me some tough love. But remember: LOVE.


Centuries ago, there was a beautiful nymph named Ihmelia. She was gifted with the ability to control plants; she was able to make them wilt or flourish or even become carnivorous. Such a power, like most others, was connected to her emotions, and thankfully, Ihmelia was very happy. One can often find her sneaking out of her forest to meet her friend: the wind spirit Biyohnca. They were the best of friends. It was believed that nothing could tear them apart. Those who believed it, however, soon found themselves to be very wrong.

One particularly sunny and breezy day, a white bird descended upon the land. It was a giant and glorious bird, intellectual like no other. After a brief glance at the wind spirit Biyohnca, it charged at her and lifted her up with its powerful wings. The spirit was surprised at first, but as time flew on, her flight with the bird became more and more appealing. They both fell in love. Ihmelia was forgotten.

Bitter and heartbroken, the nymph ran to the heart of the forest, where the air was still and dense, free from breeze or wind. There she located the ancient tree. She fused with it, ultimately becoming one with the tree, stuck and unable to part. Incapable of tending properly to the forest, it slowly died away.

Centuries passed before men came and began chopping away trees from the forest. Ihmelia was the last tree to be cut down. All she could do was experience the horror of having limb by limb, part by part, being hacked away. Every single part of her was burned as firewood except for what was taken from the core of the tree: her heart. Alas this was the only thing she could control. Her burning anger and grief kept all other fire at bay. Ihmelia’s heart was deemed useless and tossed aside on the rode.

Years upon years later, the village that tried to burn her was deserted. After winter’s frost had settled in, a man and his wife passed through the lonely village. They were poor and had nowhere to go. The man found Ihmelia and tried to light her. She refused to burn. No other wood was available, so the couple began to freeze.

Ihmelia watched as the wife began to cry. She had so many dreams: she wanted a home, a business, a family. Now they were all disappearing. The husband held her in his arms and said everything was going to be fine. He smiled and said he loved her. He would never trade anything in the world for her. He would rather die by her side than be alone. The wife stopped crying and agreed. She, too, loved the man, more than life, more than all her dreams.

Shame filled Ihmelia. She was selfish. She hated Biyohnca for leaving her, abandoning her. But Biyohnca could not help it; she was happy with the bird, wholeheartedly in love with it. Ihmelia could not blame her for that. She should have been happy for her friend, happy that she found something she could never find within their friendship. Anger and spite left her soul in the form of fire, and her heart began to burn. The couple survived the night and left the next morning. Ihmelia was reduced to ashes.

Seasons passed, and on one particularly sunny and breezy day, the ashes were lifted up and carried by the wind under the wings a glorious, white bird.

The End.




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I thought this was really beautiful short story... I am not sure if I would want you to expand it or not, but it was beautifully written... It's nearly 11 oclock at night here... so I would love to give constructive advice but, to tell you the truth, I'm not one for that.... You got the basic plot down... and that was beautiful... and I loved the ending, which sort of seemed to give peace to the ashes. (I also loved the part about the selfish wood not burning... that was nice...) Though I read that if a dyrads tree is cut down she'll immediately die, spirit and all... *Shrugs*




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Centuries ago, there was a beautiful nymph named Ihmelia. She was gifted with the ability to control plants; she was able to make them wilt or flourish or even become carnivorous. Such a power, like most others, was connected to her emotions, and thankfully, Ihmelia was very happy. One can often find her sneaking out of her forest to meet her friend: the wind spirit Biyohnca. They were the best of friends. It was believed that nothing could tear them apart. Those who believed it, however, soon found themselves to be very wrong.


This first part opens like a fairy tale, I arnt sure if that was the desired effect but the objective voice makes it seem that way. If it isn’t the desired effect that I would go straight into the story.

Without continuing an indepth review it seems like this piece wasn’t made for fairy tales. There is no obvious point of view (the character you tell the story from) and its all very objective. If you use one character, the spirit to view the world from her eyes you can then appeal to her senses in order to add interest to the story.

Below is an example from one of my current projects, some would say I’m arrogant for quoting my own work but Im not I am simply giving you an example.

Fyrne shivered underneath his thin purple robes. He looked up to see harsh clouds carved up with daggered icicles floating just above him. He shivered again at the site of them but focused his little strength on flying through the air. Rhiney, the oldest and frailest of the mages hovered about 30 metres in front, shivering even more than Fyrne was. Fyrne felt for him, his young heart desperately beat through the cold chill, he could only imagine what Rhiney’s heart was feeling.


For this I used coldness and instead of just saying “It was cold” I portrayed it through how Fyrne was feeling, how he shivered and what he was thinking. I also portray exactly how harsh it was through the character of Rhiney BUT I still use Fyrne as the viewpoint.

If you have any questions post or PM me.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG




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It's a lovely little faery tale. I think the objective point of view and tone were perfect. It is exactly what folk anf faery tales need. One thing I think this story could use is some more imagery. Give us some more details about what things look like, and how they feel and sound.

Great work!
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Centuries ago, there was a beautiful nymph named Ihmelia. She was gifted with the ability to control plants; she was able to make them wilt or flourish or even become carnivorous. Such a power, like most others, was connected to her emotions, and thankfully, Ihmelia was very happy. One can often find her sneaking out of her forest to meet her friend: the wind spirit Biyohnca. They were the best of friends. It was believed that nothing could tear them apart. Those who believed it, however, soon found themselves to be very wrong.


This is a good part, I like it.

Seasons passed, and on one particularly sunny and breezy day, the ashes were lifted up and carried by the wind under the wings a glorious, white bird.


Was the ash carried away by the wings of a bird? If so you need to place 'of' wings and a.

I like this a lot. Its like a story your mother might tell you as a child and you'd pass it onto your own children as an adult. The bird at the end reminds me of a phoneix.
.: ₪ :.

'...'




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Oh, this is a delightful story! I've always loved fairy tales, and this is no exception. It's detailed, yet short. It has a potent moral, but it doesn't shove said moral in your face, which makes it even better. It's cute, but not overly so which it makes it oh-so-awesome.

Now I didn't see any grammar errors, which I love you for. But let's go over the stylistic thingies, shall we? ;)


Centuries ago, there was a beautiful nymph named Ihmelia.


In fairy tales, as soon as the author introduces the character, usually what follows is a pretty description of the nymph. Yes, we know that she is beautiful, but what particular characteristics does her face and figure have? A short description will do a lot for this. Why? Because this story is so short, that means that we have to have an instant connection with Ihmelia. By picking a strange name, it throws the reader off, just slightly, so what the author usually does is connect a face to the name at once.

One can often find her sneaking out of her forest to meet her friend: the wind spirit Biyohnca.


Wind spirit is not descriptive enough. I want to know what powers she has, what she usually does with her powers, like what you did with Ihmelia, and how they connect with each other. For instance, since this is a pretty tale, you might have Biyohnca stir up a gentle breeze so that Ihmelia’s plants could sway gently in the wind. Something like that.

Don’t describe it now though… at the moment, you want to establish their friendship.

They were the best of friends.


Now you describe their relationship together! Make it descriptive and flowy and lovely. This story is good right now, but you want to make it better! :)

It was believed that nothing could tear them apart.

Those who believed it, however, soon found themselves to be very wrong.


Now in typical fairy tales, they start with lovely descriptions and then go, “One sunny day, this happened.” Like the sentence below this one.

You tried to transition it, and it’s OK in modern literature, but this story begs to be written in the classical sense. Delete these two lines and add description instead, and you will be much more pleased with the results.

One particularly sunny and breezy day, a white bird descended upon the land. It was a giant and glorious bird, intellectual like no other.


Er… how is it intellectual? I would either revise that word with something more specific, or delete the word.

The spirit was surprised at first, but as time flew on, her flight with the bird became more and more appealing.


The word “appealing” is not appealing in this case. There are so many other, better words out there that it almost seems a shame to use this word in this case. Grab a thesaurus and have fun!

They both fell in love. Ihmelia was forgotten.


This is a small note that doesn’t pertain to this story, but I thought I would mention it anyway. In classical literature, the way these sentences are set up (in the same paragraph) is fine and perfectly acceptable. However, in modern fiction, I would separate “Ihmelia was forgotten” in another paragraph.

Since this piece will be written in a classical sense, no need to revise, but thought I ought to comment anyway. ^_^

So yeah. That was what I have to comment on. Have fun with revising, and I hope to see more of your writing soon! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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The Nymph, the Spirit, and the Bird
theluckyflower


Evaluation

"Such a power, like most others, was connected to her emotions, and thankfully, Ihmelia was very happy."
You may consider revising this sentence due to the increased usage of commas. Perhaps replace the comma between 'emotions' and 'and thankfully' with a semicolon.

"One can often find her sneaking out of her forest to meet her friend:"
You may consider revising this sentence due to the increased usage of pronouns, in this case 'her'. I, personally, advise that you replace the second 'her' with a mere 'the'.

"Ihmelia’s heart was deemed useless and tossed aside on the rode."
I would think that you intended to describe her heart as being "tossed aside on the road."


Analysis

This story seems to be a very good example of exactly what it is: a fairy tale. And many can take from this the morality you have included within the underlying theme and the subtle context. It is very well written and I have very little to suggest. I'd just like to say that, a magnificent job well done on such a story.

It seems slightly too quick; and the only remedy to this would possibly be adding to the story. Maybe I just enjoyed it too much that I did not want it to end. However, lengthening it I suggest with hesitation because there is a chance that it would ruin the story. It seems very well done as it is and again, I have very little to comment on it.

Very well done and I wish you all the best with further works.


Grading

PROSE SCORING
Story Plot: 9.0 / 10.0
Exposition: 10 / 10
Conflict: 8 / 10
Resolution: 9 / 10

Character: 9.0 / 10.0
Individuality: 9 / 10
Goal: 9 / 10
Dialogue: - / 10

Presentation: 8.4 / 10.0
Spelling: 8 / 10
Grammar: 9 / 10
Punctuation: 8 / 10

Miscellaneous: 7.0 / 10
Regularity: 7 / 10
Originality: 7 / 10
Enthusiasm: 7 / 10

Tilt: 7.5 / 10.0

Total Score: 8.5 GREAT
Last edited by Gannon on Tue Aug 08, 2006 9:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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"One particularly sunny and breezy day, a white bird descended upon the land. It was a giant and glorious bird, intellectual like no other. After a brief glance at the wind spirit Biyohnca, it charged at her and lifted her up with its powerful wings. The spirit was surprised at first, but as time flew on, her flight with the bird became more and more appealing. They both fell in love. Ihmelia was forgotten."

This may just be a matter of style, and I understand it's a short story, you want to get on with things, but the bit with Biyohnca and the bird seems a bit sudden--begun and over very quickly. Also, 'appealing' seems too vague a word...it seemed to stick out, distracting from the flow.

Beyond that, I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. I think it's quite a lovely story, and the end is absolutely perfect.
True friends stab you in the FRONT. (Oscar Wilde)




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I am unsure if any of the people who commented on my story will come back and read this, but if they do, here is what I have to say.

Thank you all for sending your comments. They were much appreciated. I really wanted to write a likeable fairy tale, and am pleased it apparently turned out so.

This “fairy tale” was inspired from an event that happened to me. I wrote the story quite some time ago and found it recently. I revised it heavily. The ending result didn’t exactly hit home to my heart, but it was familiar. Is this understandable?

What I mean to say is this story, written so long ago (in teenage time), was forgotten, yet still held many scars for me. However, those scars have been covered up, the memory of them gone. But they were still there.

I don’t know; I’m rambling I guess. In the end, I just wanted for those who read this story and found it familiar as I did to be comforted in some small way. PM me if you’d like. If you didn’t find it familiar as I did, don’t worry about it. Still, PM me if you’d like.

Anyway, on to a brighter note, I shall spend some time revising my story -- but later! Right now it is late, and I was giving a HUGE load of homework: I have to read 750 pages worth of books, answer 6 philosophical questions, and do a poster-board project on it. I was given only 10 days! HELP ME!

Once again: thank you for your comments! Goodnight! *faints*




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This is a fun story. I liked the symbolism involved.




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This story holds such amazing potential! Not to say it isn't already very good, but it has room for some small improvements.

I absolutely love the connection to nature within this, and how the inexplicable pain is expressed at the hacking and burning of the trees. It's an important thing to emphasize, I think, so I loved that aspect of the story.

What I think could stand some revising: the language. Generally, the lexis choice is pretty good, and smooth to read, but a story possessing such maginificence deserves to be written with a slightly more poetic feel--in my opinion. Again, this is just a suggestion, because I really enjoyed this story.

I could definitely relate to this story--my best friend has done the exact same thing, only I don't think I will end up acting as Imhelia did. I'm not happy for them, in honesty. The moral is beautiful though, despite the way I feel toward my own friend. I loved the way it ended with the white bird wings.

Overall, a great fairy tale.
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath




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This was a very good story and much like a fairy tale. I would consider revising some of the sentences though.
Also I believe that the last sentence needs a couple of words added. Other than that this is a great story!
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I like your story a lot! It has that simplistic fairy tale style to it that I haven't read in a while. You did a very good job for trying your hand at fantasy fiction and its a very well written short story. Keep up the great work! I would love to critique it, but basically everyone else has done that for me. Good job!

-aeroman
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The name sounds too similiar to the first book of the Chronicles of Narnia...I suggest you change it.... o-O But I suck at coming up with names so don't look at me!

This was pretty good, nice beginning, and everything. I'm really tired right now, so its hard to notice if something is wrong...maybe I'll get back to you tomorrow!
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