Water-Glass Chat

The hour was early. 3:06AM. The numbers on the display screen wavered, and I rubbed the sleep from my eyes anxiously, shifting around in my seat as I did so. The cold leather-backed chair stuck to my bare limbs as I twisted about. Toes on the carpet, I rolled over to my friend, who sat two feet away. Her eyes only flickered at me before she returned to the conversation at hand - white, fake nails flickered across the keyboard.

"Who you talking to?" I asked, setting my chin down on her shoulder. She kissed my temple.

"David."

I grimaced and lifted my chin away, which immediately felt cold. "You...did you... Suzy, is he one of those guys?"

Lips razor-thin, the 14 year old tossed her bright red hair from her eyes. An array of freckles was all that I could see of her face - even so, it looked tense.

"Yes, Sara, I fucked him if that's what your asking."

The fire in the grate seemed to blaze ice cold. I shied away from both from friend and the fireplace, hugging my sweater arond my thin shoulders. "How old is he?" I said. I could pratically see the words like frost on the air.

"Twenty-four."

"Where'd you meet him?"

"A party."

A long silence, and then - "Why?"

"We were drunk," she fired back. "And high."

I felt helpless. Suzy always had this effect on me - she was a Scorpio, fire-hot and snapping her mordant claws at me constantly. I was well defended on a regular basis, but she knew exactly where to hit and how hard.

Peeling my legs from the chair, I stood. "I'm getting a drink. Want one?"

Face illuminated on the computer screen, she did not look up but only snarled, "Get something to eat, why don't you?" Her lips remained straight, brow still smooth and calm.

I shifted. "What do you mean?" The words came too quickly.

"Eat."

Raising one finger to my chin, I let a smile slip across my face, sarcastic and sythesized. "Well," I said. My voice didn't shake, but the words seemed to shiver by themselves in the bitter air. "How about I eat when you stop screwing guys a decade older than us?"

Suzy smacked her lips. They were pale pink, cut in the corner. "At least I'm not killing myself."

I raised one eyebrow.

"What?" she snapped, giving me a quick glance. "What!"

My thoughts were stilled, and the words came easily. "STDs," I whispered. "The pot. The drinking. The parties. The mosh pits. The street-wandering at four in the morning."

Suzy clicked the box on her screen shut. "The barfing. The fasts. The pills. The cutting. Walking to the store to buy the pills at four in the morning. The pick-pocketing just so you'll have enough money for them."

It seemed like this every time I saw her. We were brutal truth-tellers, we were horrible people, we were low-lifes, trailer trash. Both of our faces were as pasty as the computer screens we lived by, our bodies as thin as the citgarettes we smoked.

"Get a drink, Sara. Get me one, too. Get water."

I nodded. In the kitchen, I busied myself with the cups. I made noise to shatter the silence, but it only seemed to fall around my feet for me to step on.

"Make sure it's cold," Suzy called.

I dropped two ice cubes in her drink. It was always two, never three.

Once back with her, I handed her the glass. It was slippery on the edges, heavy condesation - Suzy's nails skidded on the surface. Still, she sipped it delicately, smiling up at me with her square, white teeth.

"'Somebody we'll be pure again, Sara," she whispered over the drink. But around the rim of my glasses, in my tired, filmy eyes, I could see a black fleck in her drink.

Suzy spotted it, too, picked it out and continued drinking. She scooped up the remote and turned the TV on. I watched with her, but only idly. There were black flecks in my drink, as well - numerous in amount.

The next morning, I poured the unfinished drink down the drain. It was not worth salvaging. It was dirtied, through and through.

Critique Initiated

xanthan gum wrote:The hour was early. 3:06AM. The numbers on the display screen wavered, and I rubbed the sleep from my eyes anxiously, shifting around in my seat as I did so. The cold leather-backed chair stuck to my bare limbs as I twisted about. Toes on the carpet, I rolled over to my friend, who sat two feet away. Her eyes only flickered at me before she returned to the conversation at hand - white, fake nails flickered across the keyboard.

This first paragraph has some pretty good decription, I liked the part about the chair sticking to her limbs.

xanthan gum wrote:"'Somebody we'll be pure again, Sara," she whispered over the drink. But around the rim of my glasses, in my tired, flimy eyes, I could see a black fleck in her drink.

hmmm...flimy? Is that a word or just a typo?

xanthan gum wrote:uzy spotted it, too, picked it out and continued drinking. She scooped up the remote and turned the TV on. I watched with her, but only idly. There were black flecks in my drink, as well - numerous in amount.

If this is symbolism, I thought it was really great. It totally relates to the lives of the two girls.

xanthan gum wrote:The next morning, I poured the unfinished drink down the drain. It was not worth salvaging. It was dirtied, through and through.

Is this foreshadowing that the girl's lives will never improve? If they are destined for better things you should change this but if it was your intent to do this than AWESOME!!

Don't know how helpful my review was but I thought that this short story did a good job of showing us the messed up lives of two ordinary girls.

I thought it was terribly sad that those girls fell to such things so young... But the emotion and symbolism and imagery in the story really brought it to life. You might want to make the girls a little older though, just because 14 is a stretch for those kinds of catastrophies, even in this day and age.

Sad and contemplative though not altogether shocking or provocative. Dialogue gets the point across but I never really felt like I knew these characters. Only their type.
Good place to end.

Oh! there are too many good things in this to even single out. The "razor thin lips" and symbolism in the water, and the callous conversations about screwing guys ten years older, and the way they were conversing so harshly but evenly. It was easy to catch their personalities, even though you never blatantly described them or their looks, really (which would have been a mistake, honestly).

My thoughts were stilled, and the words came easily. "STDs," I whispered. "The pot. The drinking. The parties. The mosh pits. The street-wandering at four in the morning."

Suzy clicked the box on her screen shut. "The barfing. The fasts. The pills. The cutting. Walking to the store to buy the pills at four in the morning. The pick-pocketing just so you'll have enough money for them."

It would have been easy to over-do these things, or emotionalize them, but you didn't. It's also awesome how you suggested that Sara is bulimic or anorexic without actually saying it out loud. The way Suzy said, "Eat," so persistantly.

This is a very good short story. It's very effective. You've obviously mastered the art. I couldn't find a single nit-pick in here, which is a first.

Yes, that was my intent, Magicman =] Thanks, all of you.

I've got really very little to complain about...but of course, that wouldn't be the way of the SPEW. So!

STUFF YOU DID WELL:

- The symbolism was fantastic. Usually people try to do that and it's far too preachy- this was just subtle enough. I'll talk about this more in a minute.

- I love the paragaph where you describe their bodies being as 'thin as the cigarettes they smoked'. The whole segment was good, but that line really did it- it especially brings forth the desperateness of their situation.

STUFF THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:

- You use the phrase 'the fourteen-year old' in with the sentence about her razor-thin-lips. Is there a way that you could reveal their age a little less obviously? This sentence alone makes it sound a little like a health class video.

- I would add in to your message at the end that they were hoping that the water would purify them. It's not obvious enough to slow readers as it is (:wink:) and would overall bring out the disappoinment when they find the water is dirtied and undrinkable.