Jack in the Box

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I didn't know if this merited a PG-13 or an R, but R seemed too harsh so...

JACK IN THE BOX
July 19th, 2006


1
New York City, New York

“Whoa,” Speederman said as Jack entered the room. “What’d you do to your der After! hair, Jack?”

“Dolly did it,” Jack answered. He ran a self-conscious hand over it, shrugged, and plopped down on the bed, the springy mattress groaning under the weight of his body. Jack and Speederman both looked up, holding their breath, to see if the bed would finally collapse, once and for all as Jack was not tiny and the bed was flimsy. After a moment, Jack let it out, and grinned. “One more night for sure, then,” he said, referring to the mattress.

“Yeah, yeah, what’d you, God, Jack, what’d you to your hair, though. Jack? Kleine Arshlock?”

Jack grinned and lay back on the bed. “I told you, Dolly did it. She just goes, ‘Jack, lemme do your hair,’ and so I’m like ‘okay, go crazy Doll.’ And she did.”

There was a pause, characterized by Speederman’s fast-chattering teeth (due to the cold November wind) and tapping fingers. Clickety-click click. Clickety-click click. After a moment:

“What, you don’t like it?”

A shrug. “Maybe a, er…a little…uhm…?” here Speederman giggled, high pitched, and ran his fingers through his own hair (thick, red, and thankfully, not rainbow-colored. Let Dolly try to get her hands on his hair. Just let her try!).

Jack’s hair, previously long, thick and ink black, was now cut shorter in the back and long in the front, with dark purple undertones and an extremely thick streak of bright blue through the front going over his face. Splotches of pink in random places suggested that he was a nervous, angst-ridden soul, gay, or possibly just a pushover that allowed roommates to fix his hair how they wanted. It was the latter, but Jack didn’t really care. He picked up a book by his nightstand and, ignoring the rap-tap-tapping of Speederman’s fingers, clunking his ice against its glass, he opened it: Catch-22. He fell back against the bed and read until his head hurt, then sat up and belched, loudly.

Speederman had by now passed out on the bed and was sleeping. He was twitching even in his sleep. The clock said that it was 10:22 PM. Jack had an appointment to make…an appointment that he would rather not make. He debated briefly calling in sick (as if that would work!), then shrugged it off and snatched up his jacket before hurrying out the door. Past Dolly, now curled up on the couch—waiting for Mark, her boyfriend, to get back, Jack figured. Then he saw the spoon and syringe next to her and realized that she was enjoying a fix he would have killed for, probably.

The closest subway was twenty-four blocks away. He didn’t care—for all its problems; nothing was more refreshing than the smell of Brooklyn at night. It wasn’t a scent he could tag down, though. It was musty and breezy and on cool evenings it tasted like rain or grass, and he couldn’t tell which. It also smelled like smoke and testicles, but he ignored that. Usually.

He had to get to Harlem by eleven o’clock, or whereabouts. 111th street, to be specific. Trey had contacted him earlier that day to give him the specifics. Jack wondered if the fact that his hair had changed would make any difference to the customer.

* * *

Arriving at Harlem around 11:30 PM, Jack looked up the official residence. A little Asian-American girl was standing in front of it, tapping her foot in an annoyed manner. As if she had far more influential business to be about, like, say, trying on different brands of mascara. If she could afford them.

She looked up when she saw Jack. Big brown eyes, stringy black hair, short, and cute.

“You the guy?” she asked, popping her gum.

Jack nodded, for once grinning.

“Yeah, well, keep your pants on. Uncle Marty! Uncle Marty! Your guy’s here, I’m sending him up. See you later!”

She ran down the street. Walking up the porch steps, Jack saw the Asian girl meeting up with a boyfriend at the end of the street, laughing, and getting into his car—a beat-up 1970 Chevy.

‘Uncle Marty’ opened the door with a hassled look on his face. He tapped his watch grouchily. “Late, late…”

“Sorry.”

Jack remembered the three rules: General to complete compliance, always use protection, and Never, Never make eye contact. With a capital N. He stared at his shoes. Beat-up converse coming apart at the seams.

Too bad he never actually kept the full sum he made. Even if he did, though, he knew what he’d be spending it on. Looking at ‘Uncle Marty,’ a muscular but balding Asian man, with a fit body and a large stature, maybe in his late forties, Jack was nervous.

“Come in.”

Jack followed the man into the house. Brown, thin carpet. A stairwell, living room to the left with an open kitchen, orange light shining, three cats and a pink backpack that said “CaSSiDY” in iron-on letters. There was a couch facing the TV in the living room with a coffee table, two stuffed chairs, and general mayhem on the carpet. ‘Uncle Marty’ turned on the TV and sat on the couch.

“Right here,” he told Jack, who, reluctantly, obeyed.

* * *

It was 12:22 AM. Jack figured if he got to keep the full sum of money, he could be rich. As it was ‘Uncle Marty’ would pay straight to Trey, who would give him maybe a third of it. Which would go into his monthly rental fee (not too much, considering he roomed with five other people), drugs, and food, maybe. New shoes would be nice, he noted, looking down at the black converse he’d sported since he was fourteen.

Five years was a long time to wear the same shoes.

He got home to the same sight: Dolly on the couch, now with Mark collapsed at her feet. Speederman, still on the opposite bed. Angelica, lying neatly on the floor with one of Jack’s blankets tugged tightly around her miniscule form. He lay down on his bed, too tired to think straight, to wonder why Angelica hadn’t just taken the bed and forget the blanket, but oh well…He slept, and dreamt that he was awake, praying for a normal dream where no one got hurt, no one got cut open…and then he switched into regular dream mode, and there was Angelica lying on the floor, hunched in his blanket, but smattered in blood.
Last edited by Misty on Tue Aug 01, 2006 6:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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You should post, whats the worst that could happen? Reviewers review and improve your writing.

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C'mon-everyone posts their work on here with the chance of it being liked or not liked. And besides, you'll prolly have such a variation of opinions plus you can get some really constructive crits!
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*is extremely proud* You actually put in some of my suggestions!

Two more things:

- The November wind (again). Obviously, it'll be cold. It'll add to the starkness that you're going for if you just get rid of the word 'cold'.

- There's 'general mayhem' on Uncle Marty's carpet...is that referring to trash? Kids' toys? Old French fries? Cigarettes? We're not completely sure. Specify. It'll add to Jack's disgust a little, too- something that will make his situation more evident.
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Put spaces between the paragraphs on this site. It makes it easier to read.
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thank you xanthum, for your meaningful and helpful critique. :P




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THE EXTREMELY CRITICAL HORRIBLE PART [FOR SECTION ONE]:

Hey, you requested it...

1) Your first sentence needs some dialogue doctoring. Why? This is the first impression we get of Speederman EVER, and here...he seems like a pretty normal guy. Except for the fact that he's swearing in German, which we don't get quite yet, so save it for later.

THE ACCUSED: “Whoa,” Speederman said as Jack entered the room. “What’d you do to your der After! hair, Jack?”
CONVICTED OF: Lacking Speedermanness, description, and sense

HOW YOU COULD FIX IT: Get rid of the 'whoa'. Speederman himself is 'whoa'- you don't have to speak for him. Also, make sure it flows. You don't want something choppy at the beginning just because the constant starts and stops make for an environment that the reader can't get a feel for.

TRY: Jack entered the room to a (partially) frozen Speederman, sitting on the bed with twitching eyes as large as golf balls. "Wha...what'd you do to your hair, Jack?"

2) You say that Jack 'ran a self conscious hand' through his hair. This doesn't really make sense, because a self-conscious person attempts to be as chameleon-like as possible. Does neon-pink-and-blue striped hair indicated shyness or chameleonility [hooray for made-up words] to you?

...well, at least it doesn't to me.

3) You could bring out the poverty of their situation by making the mattress just a plain old mattress propped up on crates and a board. It'd be easier for you to avoid the We're In Poverty speech and create some needed Flowy Stuff if you add something like that in. (Also, it's more believable that it might break if it's more makeshift-ish.)

THE ACCUSED: 'plopped down on the bed, the springy mattress groaning under the weight of his body. Jack and Speederman both looked up, holding their breath, to see if the bed would finally collapse, once and for all as Jack was not tiny and the bed was flimsy.'
CONVICTED OF: Blandness and not making sense, plus lots of potential not used

TRY: putting in after the previous fixed sentence, 'The 'bed' was comprised of a ratty mattress propped up a sheet of plywood and several mismatched plastic crates. Jack ran a [insert adjective] hand through his hair and plopped down onto the bed- which groaned under his weight. Jack and Speederman looked at each other, holding their breath to see if it would collapse once and for all.' [You can take out the 'referring to the mattress' after "One more night for sure", as well.]

This poor sentence has been through so many revisions...:wink:

4) Speederman's next quip, ' “Yeah, yeah, what’d you, God, Jack, what’d you to your hair, though. Jack? Kleine Arshlock?” could be portrayed in such a way to bring out his one-track mind. Remember my rant on 'First Impressions'? And also that stuff in Character Development about how to start with a clichè and maybe HINT at deeper layers?

So! What can you do?

Make Speederman blithely trudge along. Cut the 'yeahs', and have him cut right to the chase.

5) The German still needs a little fixing, since it's not consistent through the rest of the story. You could keep SOME of it in this first part, but also make sure that you keep a few little blurbs in later on. (I would get rid of them if you want to hint that Speederman only resorts to German when he's especially nervous...that might be a special touch you want.)

6) Just an idea...perhaps hint in their that Jack's hair is reminiscent of Speed's personality. 'Twould be a 'nugget' if you will.

7) You mention that Speederman's teeth are chattering because of the wind. Guess what?

They're sitting on a bed! :wink:

So...yes, I would get rid of at least the wind part. The rest is questionable because it doesn't justify later teeth chattering- remember FIRST IMPRESSIONS? But yes. Do what you will...

8) Oooer. Another sentence.

THE ACCUSED: ' Splotches of pink in random places suggested that he was a nervous, angst-ridden soul, gay, or possibly just a pushover that allowed roommates to fix his hair how they wanted.'
CONVICTED OF: Awkwardness and not being brought out to hilariosity's potential.

TRY: 'Splotches of pink in random places suggested that he was angst-ridden, gay, or a pushover that allowed roommates to fix his hair however they wanted.'

Notice how I just took out one word and yet it's not awkward anymore?

More on that when I'm sane.

9) The sentence that says he 'read until his head hurt' and 'belched' has these actions...in the same sentence, implying that the action happened in a short space of time. That is, he picked up the book, five seconds later he puts it down, and then he belches. It takes less than a minute.

A good way to combat this when a character is reading (either a well-known or a made-up book- for made-up put in a clichèd situation, such as 'Susie and Bobby broke up') is to have the character stop at a certain point- and mention that.

You might want to read Catch 22 just because I'm fuzzy on details at the moment, but you could also incorporate Jack's headache into the picture for humor- "After awhile, Milo's worldwide syndicate system was making Jack's head hurt, so he closed the book and belched."

You've got to have him start reading, though...

10) First off, this: 'Speederman had by now passed out on the bed and was sleeping. He was twitching even in his sleep. The clock said that it was 10:22 PM. Jack had an appointment to make…an appointment that he would rather not make. ' is choppy.

Wanna know how you could make this flow AND bring out the all-important fact that Jack left while Speederman was asleep? (Since we're going to have to remember it for the next 18,000 words...)

Try: 'The clock said it was 10:22, the time for Jack to make an appointment he would rather not. Making sure Speederman was passed out on the bed- twitching even during sleep- he crept out the door, dreading every step.'

Gah, but that sounds too much like me...hehe, you know what to do, nonetheless.

11) Jack envies Dolly for her 'fix'.

I thought he didn't do drugs like Speederman?

Hmm, I'd clear that up.

12) ' He had to get to Harlem by eleven o’clock, or whereabouts. 111th street, to be specific. Trey had contacted him earlier that day to give him the specifics. Jack wondered if the fact that his hair had changed would make any difference to the customer. '

This paragraph is so, so, SO important because it's our first glimpse into Jack's 'world'. At least, it's the start of his dark side as a character.

I would combine the first three sentences because they're not as important- you want the last line to stick out.

Something like this: 'He had to get to Harlem by eleven- 111th street, to be specific- relying on Trey's call earlier that day to give him the details. Jack wondered if the fact that his hair...' you get the point.

13) Save the testicle reference for later. As good at it is for portraying his world...it's just one of those things you don't do in a first page. Darn censors. :wink:

THE GUSHY STUFF YOU PROBABLY WANTED ME TO START WITH:

For this section, probably my favorite thing was the hair. It's such an original way to start something off- and it adds just a touch of conflict that's needed. It also gives Jack a bit of ambiguity, since he's (at the moment) Mysterious Man.

...honestly, you wore me out the other day when I was supposed to gush. :wink: But don't worry! It's all sincere.
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THE EXTREMELY CRITICAL HORRIBLE PART [FOR SECTION TWO]:

1) 'Big brown eyes, stringy black hair, short, and cute. '

The order of this is sort of confusing- is her hair short and cute? If so, do this:

'Big brown eyes, stringy black hair- short, and cute.'

If it's her body that's short and cute:

'Short, stringy black hair, big brown eyes. Cute.'

Other than that, I thought that was a pretty clever line- as far as poeticalness goes.

2) I would also have him being a little worried. A weak-looking girl out alone at night in Harlem? Make it obvious that the boyfriend is waiting at the corner, right from the beginning- and have Jack be a little disappointed. Remember...first impressions? :wink:

3) 'General to complete compliance, always use protection, and Never, Never make eye contact. With a capital N.'

Get rid of the 'with a capital N' if you want to leave the nevers capitalized- which you don't.

Instead, make them lowercase and add another 'never' at the end. Like this:

'and never, never make eye contact. Never- with a capital N.'

4) ' Too bad he never actually kept the full sum he made. Even if he did, though, he knew what he’d be spending it on. Looking at ‘Uncle Marty,’ a muscular but balding Asian man, with a fit body and a large stature, maybe in his late forties, Jack was nervous. '

This is a very confusing paragraph. Why? The first and second halves have nothing to do with each other, which is a little unnerving for a reader even if you're not consciously aware that you are unnerved.

And besides, some of it goes without saying. You could also bring a little humor into play:

'Too bad he never got to keep the full sum he made- he knew what he would be spending it on.

Boxing gloves? he mused, looking at 'Uncle Marty'- a muscular and fit but balding Asian man, maybe in his late forties. This time, the customer made him nervous.'

Of course...it's dark humor, but you take what you get. :P

GUSHY STUFF YOU PROBABLY WANTED ME TO START WITH:

The Asian girl at the beginning is very good and well thought out- great for a background character, in fact.

I also liked your cut off at the end. Very suggestive- and not too provocative. We've got room to dream. :wink:
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Misty wrote:She just goes, ‘Jack, lemme do your hair,’ and so I’m like ‘okay, go crazy Doll.’ And she did.”


Should be: go crazy, Doll. Just add that little comma in there. :D

Apart from that and Sam's numerous suggestions, all of which were very good, this is looking really great so far. I look forward to reading more (read: POST MORE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, OR ELSE!!!). :D

But seriously, great work. Sorry I haven't got anything else constructive to say--Sam's already said it all--but I just wanted to pop in and tell you that I love the idea, and your characters. Poor Jack and his hair! XD




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i think you have an excellent style here. what i really love about it is that you write outside of the box and more like a slick person would with snazzy vocabulary and inserting specific locations there so that if feels real and could be played off as an original.

all the things you have create a great picture of a person that lives in new york.

what a great end too. idk the only thing i would say is that you spice it up a bit more. or maybe go into some spinoffs with the other characters.



The ink in which our lives are inscribed is indelible.
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