You know, I bet the average teacher could spot us right off. Most students probably can too for that matter. We all know the type. The kid you sat next to on the bus who did nothing but stare out the window, while you wondered how the heck she could do that without getting a neck cramp. (And what on earth was there to look at on a road in suburban Arizona? And could this possibly get any more awkward?) The kid who you can just tell will be more familiar with the cast of some fantasy novel than with their homeroom class? Yup. That’d be us. Us weird, quiet, lame loner kids. My teachers and parents have been trying to rationalize my behavior pretty much since I was born. “Oh, Emma’s only having trouble making friends because she’s new!” “She’s just a little shy, Mrs. Harbor, that’s all...” “Don’t worry; she’ll grow out of all this eventually” “Erm... I’m sure this is all just a phase she’s going through....” “... A very long phase” Blah blah blah. They never seem to have much hope or conviction about this all. And who would? This is me we’re talking about. Emma Bering, age 14, certified nerd, straight-B student, friendless, unpopular, annoying. Now tell me, what kind of person would have much hope or conviction about some one like that? Anyone…? Exactly. The only people who think that there’s somehow still a chance for me are those who’ve just met me, but they all learn eventually.
Vernon is right. This needs to be broken up. And since I don't have a better way, I will simply repost his--with my edits:
Vernon wrote:You know, I bet the average teacher could spot us right off. Most students probably can too, for that matter. We all know the type: The kid you sat next to on the bus who did nothing but stare out the window, while you wondered how the heck she could do that without getting a neck cramp. (And what on earth was there to look at on a road in suburban Arizona? And could this possibly get any more awkward?)
The kid who you can just tell will be more familiar with the cast of some fantasy novel than with their homeroom class?
Yup.
That’d be us.
Us weird, quiet, lame loner kids.
My teachers and parents have been trying to rationalize my behavior pretty much since I was born:
“Oh, Emma’s only having trouble making friends because she’s new!”
“She’s just a little shy, Mrs. Harbor, that’s all...”
“Don’t worry; she’ll grow out of all this eventually”
“Erm... I’m sure this is all just a phase she’s going through....”
“... A very long phase.” Blah blah blah.
They never seem to have much hope or conviction about this all. And who would? This is me we’re talking about. Emma Bering, age 14, certified nerd, straight-B student, friendless, unpopular, annoying.
Now tell me, what kind of person would have much hope or conviction about someone like that? Anyone…? Exactly. The only people who think that there’s somehow still a chance for me are those who’ve just met me, but they all learn eventually.
Yeah. All I got is grammar and spelling in this section, except the bolded line. I would suggest cutting it down to: (What on earth was there to look at on a road in suburban Arizona?) I suspect the "and" and the second part aren't really necessary.
I might as well get it over with while I still have my senses.
I'm not sure, but a different phrase might work better here. However, as I've none to offer, it is totally your call.
Before first period begins, we have almost an hour with nothing to do until classes start, owing to the stupidity of our bus schedule.
Pick one of these, since they mean the same thing. My preference is given to "before first period begins," but you pick.
The Boulder Ridge School Library is a huge and tiny building at the same time. I know that doesn’t make sense; bear with me. It doubles as our sub-division's public library so it's huge
It really seems much smaller than average though, since everyone directs their attention towards five shelves and the computers. That’s because 75% of the books there are nonfiction, and almost all of the rest were written for small children by authors with a certain disdain for their wide-eyed, drippy-nosed audience
Use "since" instead of "because", because you use "because" in the next sentence. **blinks** Wow, that sounded weird. I hope you get what I meant.
“Your card is bent.”
I take a deep breath, reaching into my very final reserves of patience.
“Listen. This is the very same student ID I’ve been giving you since I started middle school.
I would cuts the very's. It sounds better without them.
“Coolness,” she says in a bored voice
We all start running--jogging, actually, trying to keep from tiring out before the end of our first lap. Not that that will help much. I can already feel my breath coming short, much sooner than usual.
The double dash is an em dash--a long dash. I guess it's just my preference; it seems to flow a bit better. Also, you should break the second sentence into two with a period.
One lap finished. “Four minutes,” the PE coach tells me.
I keep tripping. Probably I’m stepping on some rough patch of uprooted grass or something, but when I look back, I can’t see anything.
Split the sentence.
I’m vaguely aware of falling; I must have tripped again.
I do not have a fever.
Serious nitpick. I would say "don't," because you use contractions everywhere else in the paragraph.
I know that it’s Elizibeth’s cell phone because it’s on the corner of her desk
I realize then that she’s been working on the discussion questions for the past forty minutes
Nitpick again. "Then I realize" might flow a bit better.
There has to be a logical explanation, I’m sure there is.
Explanation of what? Of Mendel? Or of what's happening to Emma? Make it clear.
You’ve been reading too many weird fantasy books lately, I tell myself firmly.
I would not admit this under torture, but I love taking notes off of PowerPoint Presentations. It requires no effort or creativity or brainpower of your own, yet you always know you have the answers right. All you need to do is remember them. I turn to a blank page in my Social Studies notebook and scribble down the title at the top of the page while the rest of the class complains.
Try "I wouldn't admit this to anyone, even under torture, but...".
“C-c-c-c-c-c." She sounds like a disk skipping.
“C-c-c-c,” suddenly, my Mom’s voice is interrupted, or, is it interrupting?
Should be:
"C-c-c-c." Suddenly my mom's voice is interrupted, or is it interrupting?
“That won’t be necessary,” Mom says.
After this you need to have something about the end of the conversation. Maybe something like:
"That won't be necessary," Mom says.
"Alright," I sigh, and hang up.
I turn to leave.
Or something like that.
Now the parts I found very good (only some of them--otherwise I'd have to type up the whole chapter):
I’m sure there are people who have it much worse, people who would think I’m just being a whiney loser who doesn’t know anything about life.
Yes, I know, smart kids aren’t supposed to hate school, right? We get good grades, what are we supposed to complain about? We should love school. Sorry to disappoint you all, but if that’s a requirement, then I don’t qualify as a “smart kid”.
owing to the stupidity of our bus schedule
almost all of the rest were written for small children by authors with a certain disdain for their wide-eyed, drippy-nosed audience and firmly believe that they are only allowed to write monosyllabically about empty little stories that probably have a hand in creating the average American kid’s hatred of reading.
This little oasis is the refuge of a good 200 kids seeking, quiet, air conditioning, and boredom relief.
The “library security guard” (must… resist… rolling… eyes) is technically a member of the faculty, and all.
While this fascinating conversation proceeds, a small but very irritated line of people has formed behind us, trying to push past me and walk in.
I can take this as an omen of just how much the rest of the day is going to suck, but nooo, I decide to remain optimistic, heaven knows why.
She should start her own business: “Kathleen’s Character Reviews: Have Every Flaw I Think You Have Ridiculously Blown out of Proportion for Only 75 Cents!”
Whose stupid idea was it to throw 50+ eighth graders into the Arizona midmorning and have them run for an entire class period?
Apparently, all these facts combine to make me “healthy” despite having passed out five minutes ago. She sends me to Science.
But it’s a little difficult to be grateful when you’ve been listening to something that sounds like that first victim in a horror movie for forty-three minutes.
It’s “girl” handwriting, neat and happy and evenly spaced. Every girl at Boulder Ridge School writes like that except me. My writing is tight and scribbly and illegible.
Teachers here are very strict about the great anti-cell phone rule.
Doubtless tomorrow she will panic at the sight of her test study guide and beg me for answers as though we’ve always been best friends and she’s never been rude to me.
I’m smart enough to figure out that my mom wishes I was some happy preppy cheerleader and not this weird silent loner with no friends and no life.
So, overall, this looks like a long review, but almost all of it's grammar and spelling. (I'm OCD about those, so expect it whenever I review.) There are very few things I would change about this chapter. Congrats!!!!!
