Sweet Sweet Air

Spoiler

For Mikko. My attempt at something happy. Rip it to shreds if you please

Such a wonderful sight,
it brightens up once again.
The sweet sweet air comes near
and removes my cold fear.

Distract yourself with words:
it leads to temptation.
But now things have died down
I shall forever be proud

that I have stopped it good.
That I have prevented
it from all crumbling down-
like a man of decay.

Sweet sweet air, golden hair.
A skin so coloured with pure,
gold, smiling wisdom. Your
laugh always warms me up.

Spoiler

This is why I should stick to depressing poems

AJ man! This is amazing my favourite yet! i love the simplicity yet the impact it holds!
Well done!

Hey there Adam,

Alrighty now...nitpicks first, I suppose.

Such a wonderful sight,
it brightens up once again. this line is a little awkward...maybe better to say, "It brightens me up once again" or "It brightens again"
The sweet[insert comma here] sweet air comes near
and removes my cold fear.If I were you, I would be very wary of rhyming (even if accidentally) so early in the poem. If a line later on happens to rhyme, your reader can accept that as coincidence. But the first stanza of your poem sets the tone, and as the reader I then thought that maybe the rest of your piece was also going to rhyme.

that I have stopped it good. This line is a little confusing.
That I have prevented
it from all crumbling down-
like a man of decay. This could be your golden opportunity to insert a beautiful metaphor that leaves your reader speechless--don't waste it!

Sweet[insert comma here] sweet air, golden hair.
A skin so coloured with pure,
gold, smiling wisdom. Your you've already used "gold" twice. Can you pick a different word?
laugh always warms me up.I guess for me this seems like a somewhat anticlimactic ending...just personal preference, though.

Overall nitpicks:

1. Be careful with formatting. Your punctuation should be deliberate. Capitalization should be deliberate. Where you break stanzas--this was a little awkward--and even lines in places should be absolutely deliberate.
2. Don't be afraid to use common literary devices (I'm thinking metaphor). In this sort of poem, when I try to write specimens like this, I usually try to give my voice something of a tender edge, a caress of the words. Try to put that into your voice here. Try to sound soft.

Overall compliments:

1. I like what you're trying to do here. Also, I think it's really good for you to come out of your comfort zone to do this sort of writing, and that you should keep doing a balance of your usual and this sort of stuff.
2. I like that this is short and sweet, and not overly obvious about what it's trying to say without being so painfully obscure that I have no idea what's going on. I especially liked your second stanza (notice that I didn't nitpick on it). Nice job with that!

Hope this helps, nice writing!

~sarebear

Oh Adam, this is truly, really beautiful. I'm touched, I really am. What's more touching is that you had a go at writing a "happy" poem eventhough it's not what you're used to - I'm honoured that you made that effort (and you've achieved it in my eyes).

I swear, I felt my heart flutter when reading this because it's really not like you. I was expecting that sarcasm and that touch of rude you almost always put in your poetry but I loved this. I agree, I love the simplicity because (and I hope ;D) it comes from your heart, your true emotions -- without the exaggerations and dramatic expressions (that I love about your other poems).

I don't quite agree with Sear on the breaks in sentences -- I believe it's creative and artistic, not strange at all.

Your
laugh always warms me up.

:3 Even if you can't really hear my laugh, I love this.

You always find a way to surprise me, pleasantly that is, and I appreciate it. <3

I really wish I could say more but I think what I have to add would be quite useless and probably just more rambling about how much I love y-- this. xD

Whether depressing or happy poems, keep writing!

I liked the poem although... and this might just be me.. I didn't really understand the meaning of it, you're probably wondering how someone can like something yet not understand it, well this is how; there's much more for me to take from the poem the next time I read it. I like the last stanza and found it worthy of putting in my review

Sweet sweet air, golden hair.
A skin so coloured with pure,
gold, smiling wisdom. Your
laugh always warms me up

I don't know what the description has to do with the air though. The second stanza was the one that confused me the most because it started with a line from the first stanza and it doesn't make much sense to me.

But other than that nicely done short and to the point, keep writing and have a little fun with it.