[pre]Lonliness hugs me tight
Envelopes me like darkness
I wander alone, hugging myself for comfort.
I'm cold. I'm tired
But there's no one there to say,
"It'll all be alright."
There is no one
I am alone.
I trip and stumble
Blinded by tears
Dust billows as my feet fall
Sound echos .... echos .... echos ... into nothingness
I am alone.
There's no one to here me sob
No one to see I need comfort
No one to hug me close,
And whisper in my ear,
"I'm here. It's going to be fine, I'm here."
There is no one.
I am alone.[/pre]
Oh, you're angry! Click your pen.
--Music and Lyrics
"I," "Me," and "My" seemed to be used a little bit too much. Maybe you should change it to a third person...I was overwhelmed by the huge amount of times you referred to yourself.
Last edited by Chevy on Thu Jan 20, 2005 11:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
Erm...I see no originality. This is exactly what's been written a thousand times by a thousand teens on a hundred lonely Saturday nights. sorry, it was all right, but...bland, hackneyed, overused.
El, you used alone too much. I sould suggest a different adj there.
Envelopes me like darkness
i do agree, you refer to yourself too many times, so rephrasing would help. Just a thought (ex: envelops like only darkness can, no that's not it... hum...closes in like darkness on a cold windy night. ok, that was improve, and kinda beside the point..) I'll just point out a few lines that i think can be rephrased, and leave that part up to you, ok?
There's no one to here me sob
here, or hear?
No one to see I need comfort
This line doesn't flow. Not sure hwo to rephrase, or if you should just omit it.
No one to hug me close,
don't like close, how about tight?
Also, i not on cliche adn overused topics-not something i particularlly agree with. Everyone writes what they write, and soem genres are used more then others. I think what makes a genre cliche is lesstalented writers writing obsessively in that genre. Thus you have far too much oh the genre, and it get "old" quickly. (end rant before i get started)
Good job, El. You just need some revision, like all writers.
***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.*** (Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)
Medieval Lit! Come here to find out who Chaucer plagiarized and translated - and why and how it worked in the late 1300s.
Oh, goodness darling! So cliche! Honestly, I just don't care about this person. Yes, they're alone and crying--but why on earth should I care. Get me inside the speaker's head. SHOW me her despair, don't just TELL me about it. I'll do something pickier when I have a bit more time.
Sing lustily and with a good courage. Beware of singing as if you were half dead, or half asleep; but lift up your voice with strength.
Ok, so maybe it's a little self centred, but all people are selfish. Some are just more honest about it than others. There's a lot of emotion in this piece which comes through well and I like the echo-y bit (yeah, that's not a word) though it could do with a bit of work.
I've seen this topic done a lot, kind of lacks originality. I agree with Chevy, u used 'I, me, my' too much. how bout u look this over again? It has some potential, don't want to waste that! but yeah, work on it a little bit more, u could probably bring something out of it.
Whoa! This topic's old. Ha- in both senses. Well I guess you've already revised this or maybe even forgotten about it but I've started so I'll finish...bit cliched, bit repetitive, just generally not me.
Best wishes,
Eimear
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
This feels a bit trite to me. Don't slip into all those cliches (sic) about being alone, wanting someone to hug you etc. The first image was fresh and enticed me into the poem, but after all it was all TELLING. If you SHOW more of your thoughts and feelings, we as readers will be able to grasp your meaning and picture the sense of loneliness and longing that the speaker feels.
Don't use the passive either: this is also a sign of telling. Turn the construction around. "Tears blind me" is much more straightforward than "blinded by tears."
Having said that, this poem has some interesting ideas and shows potential. Good luck!
Gahks
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." William Faulkner.
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first i would like to say something about your spacing. i don't know if you did it on purpose, but if not i would just like to say that it gives the affect of tripping over the words. it is very catchy i should say. i think that it might bug some people though so if you didn't do it on purpose you might want to edit it. or you could take the minimal readers into mind and explain to them about your writing style because i don't exactly remember the word 'tripping' in there but if it is good job, but if not i would put it in there for added affect.
