contrition in a-minor

as much as I’d love to forget her, she’s become a gossamer on the wall,
a deadlock on the door that will keep good out
_________________________________and evil in.

it’s like the first time I touched a needle. like
the rush of fire to the heart when the ground is miles away
and you are between planes.

unlike Shakespeare, I dream of forgetting her, to have never
loved at all, and yet so many nights will be spent sleepless,
staring into those bright eyes. as much as I should hate her,
as much as I should want revenge, I just want to love
her and be loved in return.

she’s a fresh cut. she’s the sour of hot whiskey in the summertime.

Spoiler

Written in early March of this past year. I'm posting to shape it up.

Hey Lumi! Dogs here with your review today! I read lots of your work and I don't think I've ever reviewed any of your poems as much as I love them. Anyways overall this was a very good poem, I really love the different and unique kind of formatting that you use that I don't see everyday on YWS. This poem is deep in description and Imagery and emotion which is why I really love it. You have successfully incorporated all three major things that I look for in poetry so props to you on that.

So I also realized that you don't capitalize any letters beginning your sentences, given such a great poet as yourself I would suspect that you did it for a reason. Personally I don't like that style of formatting but thats just me and I was curious as to why you were writing that way. Anywho, Really quickly I have a few quick nit picks:

"staring into those bright eyes'

This is a great line but I feel like you could do better with it. Maybe describe what color her eyes are and if the shine. I feel like just "bright" doesn't sufficiently describe her eyes.

"she's a fresh cut. she's the sour of hot whiskey in the summertime."

This line bugs me so much. And especially more so because it is the last line of your poem. It is my philosophy, especially in poetry, that the last of your poem, story, or book is the strongest line. It should leave an impact on the reader, or be the driving point to getting your idea across or your metaphor across or just your entire poem. This line just seems thrown in at the end and doesn't fit in really well with the rest of the poem. I think you should leave it out, but thats just me.

I really love this because of how fantastically it was written and how you took a rather simple idea and explaned it beautifully with wonderful words such as "gossamer". I love that line soooooooooooo much. And I really love your comparison to Shakespeare. I've read many of your other works and I don't think that this is your best piece but it is still amazing. Keep up the good work!!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hi Lumi, isn't it bright tonight!

I like your work, Contrition in a-minor. I think this is because it was said in a very cool and handsome way. You didn't put up much fuss in putting the words, making the poem seem to be written nonchalantly.

Your words and structure were also brilliant. Watch out for the capitalization and punctuation though!

Brightness Rating:

Your revuer for today,
Al

Hiya Lumi, it's been a while.

After reading through this a few times, I think the poem grew on me bit. However, there are a few things that you may want to look at.

The first commentor said something about the last line of a poem always being the strongest. Personally I see poetry the same way I see music, and I was always taught that music should be strong all the way through-- there are no weak points. That doesn't necessarily mean there can't be any simplicity in writing... it just means that each phrase should serve some sort of purpose, otherwise it's just fluff.

That been said, the dullest point (for me, at least) is the very first stanza. Your "as much as I'd love to forget her..." approach offers a first impression that says "cliche" all over it, not to mention the "keep good out and evil in" line. The problem with being cliche in this case is that it made the rest of the piece predictable, and that's never really a good thing unless there's deception involved later on. Perhaps rewrite the first three lines? Or maybe scrap and replace them? Your choice.

The second stanza is where the poem starts. I'm assuming that the "first time I touched a needle" bit followed by the "rush of fire to a heart" is a reference to the first time the speaker falls in love, and "between planes" is your way of saying that the speaker has his head in the clouds, 'flying high' and all that jazz. You don't really need to elaborate here, I don't think, though your word choice could better support the overall tone with a few tweaks. Other than that, I love the feel of these lines... that first time you dive into the unknown, and the rush that follows.

Haha, (<-- yes, I actually laughed) to be honest I think bright eyes part bears the most weight in that entire section of the poem. You start out by saying that you dream of forgetting her, of never loving in the first place... it's like the first stage of regret. Typically people don't think of fixing the problem, but instead they think of it vanishing completely, denying its existence. If this girl were to never surface in the speaker's life, the pain would follow suit. But! Just after wishing this girl away, his mind wanders back to her bright eyes... he can't let go of her. It sounds like he's more hurt than angry, and he's conflicted between the torment spiraling within heart and yearning to "love her and be loved in return." Maybe you think that this stanza could be stronger, and maybe you're right. I guess there's always room for improvement and refining, but I really like this part of the poem and think that you have a really good foundation going. (Unless I interpreted this all wrong-- then that's just embarrassing on my part.)

As for the last lines, while it does sound different from the rest of the poem, I like them all the same. Whether you want to change them is your choice.

And of course the title is love. It's awesome that you write poetry in keys. I actually composed a piece in a-minor three days ago for a theory project. Coincidence? yeahprobably.

So this was pretty much not helpful at all-- sorry about that. Pleasure to read, anyway.
c:

This is old, so I’m cutting you some slack.

What you need to work on I think is probably pretty clear to you. It’s cliché with well used phrases and some pretty uninteresting imagery. Not least because while I feel a little from this, there isn’t much there for me at all. My favourite line is very much “like the first time I touched a needle” because it’s a perfect description. A sharp, sudden stab amidst confusion.

I have always thought lack of punctuation is mostly gimmick, and I’ll let you have it here because you can argue that it’s relative to an attempt at forgetting. Using the device of uncapitalised and therefore less noticeable and important words across the whole.

It needs an overhaul to make it fit where you are at the moment – this is a marked difference. Your current work is more to the point with less... waffle? Pointlessness? I don’t know how to phrase it. You’re developing a good sense of immediacy in your new poems which is lacking here. Mostly through the long sentences and slow pacing. “Summer hot whiskey” is a good concept, I’m into that because it’s searing in taste and suggestion. More of this, less “bright eyes”. The as much as is repetitive and you probably know, rather pointless. It’s just adding filler.

It’s good to see, here, the difference in your poetry. You’ve improved dramatically since this, in such a short time. You can look forward to improving more in the future.

Any questions, hit me up.

-Penguin.

I found this to be a very lovely poem, the beginning didn't make much sense to me although it might mean something personal to you.
other than that keep writing good job.

This is good, but I feel like I don't know enough about the speaker. However, I loved your metaphor, "gossamer on the wall." Who would have thought of that? It's so unique. Strive to be this original with all your lines. This line: "it’s like the first time I touched a needle." is a little more cliche. I think you could make this poem even better! But other than, I thought it was very easy to read and relatable.