Queen of the Harpies

Hello Myth ^_^. Just a quick crit of The Beginning,


‘Behind them were the tops of trees and few chimneys, in the far distant was a clock tower’

- The comment about chimneys feel awkward. I’m thinking it could maybe do with an ‘a’ in there (‘Behind them were the tops of trees and a few chimneys,’).
- ‘distance’ = ‘distance’.


‘What happened next was much stranger than anything either had seen,’

- Maybe it’s just me… but I don’t like this. I don’t think you really need to tell us something is strange before it happens. Just telling us it happens is enough. It’s kind of like saying, ‘he was about to throw the ball. He threw the ball.’
- If you want to say it’s strange, then I think it would be best to say so after it’s happened.


‘for that was the creature’s specie,’

- ‘specie’ = ‘species’.


All in all - I loved this. Although, I’m a sucker for stories such as this (and I have to admit, Fred acted in much the same way I would have). What I love the most about your story is that it produces pictures - as I read through this, I get flashes of images (something few stories on YWS have succeeded in doing).

However, this does feel a touched rushed (pacing-wise). Although this really depends on how long the full story is going to be - if it’s 50,000 words or less, then I’d say it’s a fair enough pace. If it’s more than that, I can’t help but feel that you’ve rushed into the story too fast.

Anyways, I’m loving the story so far . I’ll read chapter one tomorrow .

Sureal: Okay, glad Fred's actions were 'realistic', had a bit of trouble with that. That you for pointing out the errors, they'll be fixed once I'm ... not so lazy.

The pace of the story is quite fast, I hate dragging things but I'll take another look at slowing it a notch and I'm especially happy you were able to 'imagine' this for yourself.

Thanks!

I hope I'm not trespassing impertinently on story-territory left to the edge or buried.

But Myth, this is lovely. Your fantasy is tangibly real and commonplace, intermingled with the ordinary only to be stunning when it really shows itself. Brenna's excellent, and the beginning, for its slow-paced everyday appearance, is not merely an apt contrast but a deft entry into a strange world and way of letting reader familiarise themselves with the characters.

There's something in the family relations and some of the incongruity that reminds me of Diana Wynne Jones - but not as if you'd taken leaves of her stories and pasted them in. 'Tis all Myth here (double-entendre intended ^_~).

Some of the imp's exchange seemed least smooth. But I'll have to come back to it to be specific, when I have closer to an hour rather than five minutes. ^_^

I hope you're published, and soon - the English language will be bereft without your imagination and stories.


IMP

The One and Only Imp: *bows* I'm afraid I got confused with all my chapters so I've had to rewrite a few so it will probably be some time before I update.

Being compared to Wynne Jones is - just "Wow!", as you already know I love her work (though I didn't realise it was anything like her work, entirely based on my own life).

I'll get on to the imp soon, he's a lot trickier than I hoped.

Hey, Myth!
Well, it took me an Age and a Day to get this crit to you, but here's the crit of the prologue!

There was nothing strange about two children walking down a road. Behind them were the tops of trees and few chimneys, in the far distant was a clock tower—it struck twice to denote the time—and the air was warm and rich with the fragrance of honeysuckle and freshly cut grass.

Though not traditional, I like this opening. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

At eleven she was taller than most girls of her age.

You can take out the “of.”

Brenna was contemplating over the last few days. Her parents had arranged for her to spend the coming summer holiday with cousins living in France but she was not very fond of the idea—Brenna’s cousins were very distant and had never seen her before.

Okay, I know you’re setting up the story here, but it feels too much like an information dump. Is there any other way to convey this information without it feeling like the narrator’s getting in the way?

Fred, a step ahead with hands in pockets, was whistling and his eyes followed the faint cracks on the road.

Do you mean “as his eyes”? “And” seems... wrong or something here. Not sure why...

“This is so strange,” she said. “I’ve never seen this happen before.”

Since both of these are obvious, maybe you can reword this. It seems a little too generic for Brenna.

What happened next was much stranger than anything either had seen, the bees turned into dust particles and were picked up by a wind and all traces of their existence vanished.

I’d make this two sentences if I were you.

Along the lane, growing rapidly, were twisted black trees with branches extending upwards and outwards.

The “were” here slows down the sentence. If you’re trying to convey a suddenness, you might try a direct “Twisted black trees (descriptive verb) along the lane, branches extending upwards and outwards.” It moves the sentence along faster.

That said...

Along the lane, growing rapidly, were twisted black trees with branches extending upwards and outwards. Rust coloured leaves fell swiftly and turned to grey ash when settling on the ground. The familiar bushes and oak trees were disappearing, as if Time was pushing itself forward, to be replaced by a dead meadow—wild and festooned with burnt bushes and wilting flowers. A tree rose above their heads, creaking from a non-existent breeze and swished its branches, creating a whispering sound.

Love this section. The imagery is awesome!

Their surrounding was no longer recognisable. Brenna and Fred stared at one another, uncertain whether to be shocked or marvelled or any emotion at all. How could a place change so quickly without having an effect on them?
First to recover was Brenna. She had always been aware of unusual goings-on, though elucidations behind this bizarre power were never revealed to her—some would have called it a psychic ability. Fred looked to her for an explanation.

This would be a great place to do characterization as well as backstory. Brenna’s reaction to this would say a lot about what she was familiar with. I know she does have a reaction-- a small one-- but I think it’d be better if her reaction characterized a bit more.

“What do you think of this? Is it, you know, your ‘magic’?”

“I’m not doing anything. I just see things, not make them happen.”

I’m not quite sure which person says which line here.

A branch poked at Brenna. It seemed to point to a sign nailed to a nearby tree. Brenna, conscious of the swaying trees, found a cricket perched on top of the sign but the painted black letters were unknown to her. The cricket chirped and the words began to swim, they rearranged themselves and, at one point, it was almost legible—Brenna recognised words such as ‘king’ and ‘alight’—yet when she looked for a second time the writing was alien once more.

A bell often rang in Brenna’s mind when danger was approaching but at that moment there was only silence.

Comma after “but.”

“Let’s go,” she said furiously.

Show, don’t tell! I’d suggest putting an action in there, like Brenna tugging on Fred’s arm-- something to show that she’s furious rather than telling the reader.

It was suddenly very chilly. Though the sun was shining and the temperature was rising, she felt the cold creeping up behind her. The aura of the place was filled with a turbulence of pain and suffering and, looking around desperately, Brenna could see no way to leave—the road appeared to go on forever in both directions.

I like this, too-- I get such a strong image of the scene. This is when I wish I could draw better...

She screamed as something touched the back of her neck.

“Screamed” is a pretty strong word. How about “yelped” or “shrieked”?

Fred ignored her discomfort—he was taken up by the trees to notice her glare angrily at him.

Can you glare friendily at someone? I believe the word you’re looking for is “scowl.”

“I know you don’t believe me but I’ll show you. Just because you happen to have magical powers and all that, doesn’t mean I can’t go on an adventure.”

Comma before “but.”
I like Fred.

With that he ran off up the road, his wild hair waving and Brenna groaned—she would regret following after him.

Comma after “that.”
I’d delete the “and” and start a new sentence with “Brenna” for a less run-on sentence feel.
Is “she would regret following after him” her thought or just a narrator line? If it’s her thought, you might consider making it a direct one:
“Brenna groaned-- I’m going to regret this.”

One day. Brenna, you may need to run like the wind, she told herself.

Ooh, foreshadowing! I can imagine this is important later.
The period after “day” should be a comma.

It veered to the right and left until it was a path snaking between the contorted trees.

Coolio. Gosh, I wish I could draw!

“Hurry for what exactly?” Brenna mumbled to herself.

You can take out “to herself.”

A stray branch tapped the curtain, the slow ripples spreading across the delicate fabric gripped Fred.

I don’t understand what you mean by “gripped.” Literally? If not, then you’re shifting from Brenna’s point of view to Fred’s which is jarring.

“Its so ...” he broke off.

It’s, not its.

Nothing could be made out but Brenna sensed life there.

Comma before “but.”

Rain slithered down their necks and they held hands.

“Slithered”-- good image. Kind of snakelike and ominous.

“Hello!” Fred waved. Brenna clasped a hand over his mouth, however it was too late for the glow was immediately doused.

The second sentence seems unnecessarily wordy. Maybe shorter sentences would be better:
“Brenna clasped a hand over his mouth. It was too late-- the glow vanished.”
I’m sure you can come up with something better than that.

“Look what you’ve done!” Brenna hissed. “Now we’re in for it!”

You have tripped over Shafter’s pet peeve! (Just ask Gyr-- she’ll tell you horror stories.) Try to hiss that sentence. There’s not even an S in it! It’s impossible to hiss! *Goes off on a five-minute monologue about how you can’t hiss sentences*

Brenna screamed and stumbled backwards, she still had her hand on Fred’s mouth and he fell on her, his elbow made contact with her cheek.

This is something of a run-on sentence. Can you break it up!

“Get off me, Fred!” she said and smartened her bruise.

Huh? Is “smartened her bruise” an English/Canadian/Australian expression? I don’t understand. *Stares blankly and is American*

The mud and leaves were softening as rivulets formed and the children slipped.

The sentence structure here is a little odd. It sounds like the mud and leaves are softening as a result of rivulets forming and children slipping. See what I mean?

A creature emerged from the pulsating curtain. It was obviously the leader, a silver emblem of a crown was painted on its chest, and was protected from the rain by a self-projected shield—it fizzed white each time the rain pattered on the glossy orb.

*Chews pencil in half wanting to be able to draw better*

Getting to their feet the children turned on their heels.

Comma after “feet.”
You mean “turned on their heels and ran,” right? Otherwise they’re just standing there turning on their heels.

Up ahead the trees blocked the way. Brenna had forgotten about them and, thinking quickly, said,
“Climb the trees!”

The “and, thinking quickly, said,” kind of drags this down in my opinion. I’d delete them.

The tree bent back and forth, dipped low like a catapult and then spun around. It collided with other trees and, like skittles, they piled together.

As if climbing trees wasn’t hard enough...
Uhm, “skittles”? Like those fruity m&m thingies? *Groans and is even more American*

Having been distracted by the trees, the goblin, for that was the creature’s specie, sneered. The purple, vapoury powder was deployed once more.

The narrator is glaringly obvious in this paragraph. No information dumps! Also, the second sentence is written in the passive voice, which “is always to be avoided.”

As soon as Brenna managed to untangle herself from a prodding root, she shrieked. The coloured mist darted towards her and danced, like a swarm of glittering bees, around her. She lashed out but it was too late, the magic was really strong. Brenna’s knees gave way and she collapsed, she was tired and her vision doubled. It was an effort to keep her eyes open and the bell rang on in her head until she heard nothing, not even the words said to her by the goblin.
“We won’t be seeing you again.”

I like the first paragraph because it’s rushing and almost dreamlike. Good ending to the prologue.

Overall, I like this piece. The prologue makes me want to read more. The imagery is my favorite part: I can just see everything! *Miscellanious grumbling about not being able to draw*

Personally, I would like to get inside Brenna’s head a bit more. We can see what she’s doing, but her thoughts are kept to a minimum. If that’s what you’re going for, great. But I’m a sucker for interior monologue.

Okay, I will be back to crit chapter one later. I hope this crit is half as helpful to you as you’ve been to me!

Cheers! ~Shafter

I'm sorry, but I didn't find anything in the prologue or the chapter. It was great!

Shafter: Yay! My 'twin' who has picked up things I've disregarded. Thank you for spending time to look over the prologue, as I've said in my PM you can look over C1 or wait for next weeks update. *gives cookies*
Qamar: Hello, thanks for reading. Lovely to know people are reading my work.

Okay, so I’m finally here xD Sorry it took me so long, but I was a little short wit time lately. Currently sick, so theoretically I have time.

Quote:
Brenna Tandy had changed over the years.
I think you added ‘had’ here, right? Or not? Because if you did, the everything OK with my sanity. -Half of the last week I brooded on: “God, tell her to add the ‘had’ or not?
An afterthought: Heh, you might have already had that. But never mind, I see plotting everywhere these days. Seriously, the bus stop is getting longer everyday. Creepy…

Quote:
She now locked herself in her room, seeking solitude by painting pictures and listening to music
‘Would’, up there? Or maybe its just to many grammar lessons at school ^_^

Quote:
Brenna had dyed her hair, refusing to revert to the original dark brown it had once been—presently it was in shades of green with turquoise.
Comma after ‘presently’?

Quote:
She had then ran her fingers through the newly dyed hair and wondered whether her parents would ever know that mermaids did not exist—she herself had never seen any and a merrow had assured her too.
Assured her of what? Suggestion: (…) assured her that none existed, too.” Suggestion, partly cause the word repeating I am aware of, lol.

Quote:
But when he noticed the four piercing on each ear, he had reason to be angry—hair could be dyed back while holes took time to close up.
Comma before ‘while’?

Quote:
Mercifully, he had asked for the revolting things to be removed and when Brenna disobeyed he stopped her pocket money.
Is it just me, because I don’t really get the usage of ‘mercifully’ up there? (Weird sentence there, I know ^_^) Comma before ‘he’.

Quote:
Her mother always bought her clothes, Brenna would take these back to the shops and use the money for her own choice of outfits.
The link from one part of the sentence to the other is not really clear. Add ‘and’ or ‘but’ or something. Or rephrase it? -Suggestion here, though.

Quote:
some were her father’s colleagues but Brenna did not inform Mr Tandy in fear of losing her precious work.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.

Quote:
At school others had invited her to study groups, once exams were over she had been spat out, unwanted.
Not really a clear sentence. Consider rephrasing it?

Quote:
Brenna admired the black shape and tested the notes, her fingers pressing the silver keywork lightly.
Consider placing ‘lightly’ somewhere else?\

Quote:
She joined in, knowing, from memory, every note.
So many commas needed?

Quote:
Although she had not won Brenna was satisfied, music made her happy, calmed her like nothing else could and it was a drug that always uplifted her spirit.
Comma after ‘won’. Add ‘because‘?

Quote:
Music is my soul.
Because of the ‘my’, I suggest you put this in italics

Quote:
her friend’s belongings were gone, as if there had never been a boy living at Number Forty-Three.
This part a separate sentence?

Quote:
Brenna focused, searching through the house, from within her mind, for the source of the sound.
Too much commas, I think… Last to needed?

Quote:
She had expected to see the intruder in her head but figured a concealing spell was in use—she would have to meet the creature personally.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.

Quote:
Someone was humming. The sound was rather pleasant.
I kind of don’t like these two short sentences next to each other. But lol, I think I am galloping too far now ^_^

Quote:
expect for merrows who generally were friendly towards her, Brenna had no idea as to why they liked her.
The last part a separate sentence or something?

Quote:
Now come here where I can see you.”
Comma after ‘now’

Quote:
It was meant to be the other way around but she was hesitant to give orders.
Comma before ‘but’

Quote:
You look different but you’re the same girl.
Comma before ;but’? O_o Okay, I’m becoming unsure now…

Quote:
it knew her name and, she supposed, it knew about Fred vanishing.
Did I miss something (kind of sick, as I said), but how and why should it now about Fred?

Quote:
She was not sure what to do at first, the imp had said to hurry but how long was she to be away for?
Two sentences?

Quote:
Gone out. Back soon.
Brenna
Make this stick out more, perhaps italics?

Quote:
“Go, create new memories,”
Uh, maybe you should say who said that. As in, I know, but…

Quote:
Recalling all the adventures they had taken up, the trees they had climbed and the ship, now broken, where they were pirates.
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems as if the trees where recalling.

Quote:
The boys tore after her, Brenna cursed but she was good at running—an oath she had fulfilled.
Don’t really get this sentence. A bit unclear.

Quote:
Once it had been quite pleasant to walk through, it only appalled Brenna these days.
Being instead ‘it had been’?

Quote:
He was converting it into a city home but had not yet ordered for the construction to begin—he was rather put off by voices he had heard whilst visiting the site. Posters, warning trespassers of prosecution, were taped on tree trunks and also were scattered all along the road.
Since it had not begun, maybe the businessman ‘wanted to convert (…)? Second sentence: ‘also’ needed?

Quote:
The wood behind the transparent curtain was streaming with green light—it was daytime there too
Comma before ‘too’?

QuoteL
Her tap formed waves to cross the velvety wood scene, she was fascinated and it was as though Brenna was watching from the surface of a richly clear pool.
Rephrase this sentence?



Okay, so this part is done. I’ll write of the characters etc. when I catch up with what you posted on YWS, ok?

-elein

Okay, so I’m finally here xD Sorry it took me so long, but I was a little short wit time lately. Currently sick, so theoretically I have time.

Quote:
Brenna Tandy had changed over the years.
I think you added ‘had’ here, right? Or not? Because if you did, the everything OK with my sanity. -Half of the last week I brooded on: “God, tell her to add the ‘had’ or not?
An afterthought: Heh, you might have already had that. But never mind, I see plotting everywhere these days. Seriously, the bus stop is getting longer everyday. Creepy…

Quote:
She now locked herself in her room, seeking solitude by painting pictures and listening to music‘Would’, up there? Or maybe its just to many grammar lessons at school ^_^

Quote:
Brenna had dyed her hair, refusing to revert to the original dark brown it had once been—presently it was in shades of green with turquoise.
Comma after ‘presently’?

Quote:
She had then ran her fingers through the newly dyed hair and wondered whether her parents would ever know that mermaids did not exist—she herself had never seen any and a merrow had assured her too.
Assured her of what? Suggestion: (…) assured her that none existed, too.” Suggestion, partly cause the word repeating I am aware of, lol.

Quote:
But when he noticed the four piercing on each ear, he had reason to be angry—hair could be dyed back while holes took time to close up.
Comma before ‘while’?

Quote:
Mercifully, he had asked for the revolting things to be removed and when Brenna disobeyed he stopped her pocket money.
Is it just me, because I don’t really get the usage of ‘mercifully’ up there? (Weird sentence there, I know ^_^) Comma before ‘he’.

Quote:
Her mother always bought her clothes, Brenna would take these back to the shops and use the money for her own choice of outfits.
The link from one part of the sentence to the other is not really clear. Add ‘and’ or ‘but’ or something. Or rephrase it? -Suggestion here, though.

Quote:
some were her father’s colleagues but Brenna did not inform Mr Tandy in fear of losing her precious work.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.

Quote:
At school others had invited her to study groups, once exams were over she had been spat out, unwanted.
Not really a clear sentence. Consider rephrasing it?

Quote:
Brenna admired the black shape and tested the notes, her fingers pressing the silver keywork lightly.
Consider placing ‘lightly’ somewhere else?\

Quote:
She joined in, knowing, from memory, every note.
So many commas needed?

Quote:
Although she had not won Brenna was satisfied, music made her happy, calmed her like nothing else could and it was a drug that always uplifted her spirit.
Comma after ‘won’. Add ‘because‘?

Quote:
Music is my soul.
Because of the ‘my’, I suggest you put this in italics

Quote:
her friend’s belongings were gone, as if there had never been a boy living at Number Forty-Three.
This part a separate sentence?

Quote:
Brenna focused, searching through the house, from within her mind, for the source of the sound.
Too much commas, I think… Last to needed?

Quote:
She had expected to see the intruder in her head but figured a concealing spell was in use—she would have to meet the creature personally.
Comma before ‘but’? Not sure here, though.

Quote:
Someone was humming. The sound was rather pleasant.
I kind of don’t like these two short sentences next to each other. But lol, I think I am galloping too far now ^_^

Quote:
expect for merrows who generally were friendly towards her, Brenna had no idea as to why they liked her.
The last part a separate sentence or something?

Quote:
Now come here where I can see you.”
Comma after ‘now’

Quote:
It was meant to be the other way around but she was hesitant to give orders.
Comma before ‘but’

Quote:
You look different but you’re the same girl.
Comma before ;but’? O_o Okay, I’m becoming unsure now…

Quote:
it knew her name and, she supposed, it knew about Fred vanishing.
Did I miss something (kind of sick, as I said), but how and why should it now about Fred?

Quote:
She was not sure what to do at first, the imp had said to hurry but how long was she to be away for?
Two sentences?

Quote:
Gone out. Back soon.
Brenna
Make this stick out more, perhaps italics?

Quote:
“Go, create new memories,” Uh, maybe you should say who said that. As in, I know, but…

Quote:
Recalling all the adventures they had taken up, the trees they had climbed and the ship, now broken, where they were pirates.
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems as if the trees where recalling.

Quote:
The boys tore after her, Brenna cursed but she was good at running—an oath she had fulfilled.
Don’t really get this sentence. A bit unclear.

Quote:
Once it had been quite pleasant to walk through, it only appalled Brenna these days.
Being instead ‘it had been’?

Quote:
He was converting it into a city home but had not yet ordered for the construction to begin—he was rather put off by voices he had heard whilst visiting the site. Posters, warning trespassers of prosecution, were taped on tree trunks and also were scattered all along the road.
Since it had not begun, maybe the businessman ‘wanted to convert (…)? Second sentence: ‘also’ needed?

Quote:
The wood behind the transparent curtain was streaming with green light—it was daytime there too
Comma before ‘too’?

QuoteL
Her tap formed waves to cross the velvety wood scene, she was fascinated and it was as though Brenna was watching from the surface of a richly clear pool.
Rephrase this sentence?



Okay, so this part is done. I’ll write of the characters etc. when I catch up with what you posted on YWS, ok?

-elein

Sari: This is the old thread and the old post which you didn't need to critique. Most of the changes were already made in the new version:

viewtopic.php?t=13338&highlight=

Any further comments should be made on the above thread.