Queen of the Harpies

Gone.

Gone.

Whew! I didn't know it was going to be this long when I started reading it. But it was worth it.

First off--the beginning. It sounds so ordinary compared to the rest of the story. I'm assuming you're kind of mixing the real world with a fantasy world, so maybe you're trying to establish the normal part of this world. I, personally, am a sucker for the two kids walking down a dusty road with nothing to do. I wasn't sure at first about the beginning, but now I think that I like it.

I was afraid of the second paragraph. Afraid that you were going to go into some long-winded description of Brenna, her shining blonde hair, her clear blue eyes, etc. But you didn't. You gave a quick outline of her, made a clear impression of who she is by saying that as usual, she is frowning, and then talked a little about her life. That was good.

Myth wrote:“Wake up Dreamer,” he laughed, using her nickname. He put an arm around her – which she nudged off. “This was fun, wasn’t it?” he repeated. He held the picture between them.

I would put a comma before "Dreamer", so that it's "Wake up, Dreamer,".
When Frederick says "That was fun", I'm not sure if he's talking about what they were doing in the picture, or what they were just doing previously, before they started walking toward the playfield. Maybe you should clarify?

They were discussing other possible activities, each disagreeing with the other, when Brenna shivered. She had felt a cold vibration pass through her, and halted – taking in her surroundings.

Split up that last sentence and instead of the hyphen, use a comma: She had felt a cold vibration pass through her. She halted, taking in her surroundings.

Near the end of the "The Beginning" and throughout the first chapter the commas seem to be oddly-placed. I would suggest reading this out loud. Listen to where you naturally pause as you read and insert a comma.
Also, on a related note and also in the same vicinity (end of "The Beginning" and the first chapter) your sentences all are very similarly structured. For example:

She had spent a long time in her bedroom after that, looking at a treasured photograph, taken during Edwardian week at the local library, originally she had been sitting on the front steps of the library with Frederick.

But she was alone, with bouncy curls, in a lacy white dress and a sash of lemon.

There was a high-pitched squeal, coming from the kitchen, and then a back door opened and slammed shut.

Smiling she returned to her bed, back into her previous position.

It had only been a minor creature, nothing too harmful, but she didn’t want anything magical near her home.

Just try to vary the sentence structure. Make some long an flowy, others short and choppy, you get the idea.

Excellent work--I enjoyed reading this. The story is intriguing, what with the fantasy combined with reality, Fred disappearing (Noooo!!! Not Fred! I like him! Come back!! ), and that awful cliffhanger ending of chapter 1. I want to read more.

Thanks for that helpful critique. I did want the start to be an ordinary world because things get extraordinary once something dramatically change, just wait till I get to the fantasy world.

I have to say I'm suprised you like Fred even though he makes a very brief appearance.

One thing I wanted to know was about Brenna's psychic ability and how she uses music to help her, is that something I should work on or ditch.

Any other comments are welcome.

It's hard for me to tell at the moment about Brenna's powers, I guess because you haven't gotten into it that much. Honestly, I'm not liking it that much right now because I haven't seen her being "psychic" in action. All that's happened is that you've told us she's psychic, but haven't showed us. But hey, this is only the prologue and the first chapter! You have plenty of time to develop it if you like it.

I have to say I'm surprised you like Fred even though he makes a very brief appearance.

Really? Why? *Is curious* Is he suddenly going to turn evil and kill everyone?

Again, great work.

I wouldn't want to comment right now on Frederick.

Well.. Brenna will use some psychic ability in the next chapter or the one after that, depending on how much I write today.

Thanks!

Your imagery, especially of the creatures that take Fred, is very good, and you should continue with that as it is. I definitely want to know why they took him.

I think you should play up a bit more on Fred's personality in the beginning. It was a little hard for me to tell what kind of person he was, so you might want to throw in a few things like you did with the 'dreamer' nickname given to Brenna. Nothing stereotypical, of course, but more definition of who he is would make the beginning really good.

Brenna's character is clear, though. She kind of reminds me of me....
Can't wait for more!

Thanks for reading!

I chose not to reveal too much about Fred, his character will come out more later in the story as I wanted him to have a mysterious side to him.

I'm glad there's another real Brenna out there, she's based on me! Well.. sort of.

Welcome to YWS!

The Beginning

A boy and a girl walked down a dusty road, the two were lost in their own thoughts – thinking about the long days ahead. Behind them the tops of trees and chimneys could be seen, and in the far distant a clock tower struck the hour. It was a lazy summer day and the air was filled with the rich scents of honeysuckle mingling with freshly cut grass. The buzzing bees constantly hovered towards the children – who ignored them. Heat could be seen rising hazily, filling the atmosphere with a lonely feeling.

//This seems a bit of a slow beginning, I like beginnings that start in action or important plot points. It seems a little too "Happy Chappy"

The girl was Brenna Tandy. She was eleven years old with long dark hair and an upturned nose, and, as usual, she was frowning. Her frown deepened as she considered what to do – her parents had refused to take her on holiday. The summer break had already started; she’d finished primary school, and would soon be going to a grammar school. Why did her parents have to send her to a grammar school? Couldn’t she just go to a secondary school, like all the other local kids?

//Instead of describing her all at once perhaps you could hint throughout the chapter.



Along the road, growing rapidly, were twisted black trees with spiky branch-tips. The leaves were brown, some falling swiftly, and changed colour when settling on the ground. The road ran through a meadow with wilting flowers and burnt bushes. The trees made it appear even more sinister, looming above their heads and creaking.

//Finally, something interesting. I like how you have used Pathetic Fallacy to builed up tention.


“Where are we?” she asked, her throat drying. “Maybe we made a wrong turn.”

//This seems a little cliched, Ive seen this line in so many things



“Let’s go back.” Brenna felt goose bumps rise along her arm. She could feel anger and hate in this place, it was so tranquil and dead. She was agitated, shifting from one foot to the other. “How can you be so calm?” she asked Frederick in a quiet voice. She felt it wasn’t right to shout in a place like this.

// The word tranquil seems to sugest peace and rest, you use dead straight after so perhaps another word would be more appropriate.






“Climb the trees, Fred. It’s the only way out!” Brenna suggested.

The trees gave a deep bellow, as if they were laughing. Brenna grabbed the nearest branch, cutting herself with the sharp ends. The trees swayed, dipping low, and spinning until the two children were hurled towards the waiting creature.

The thing sneered, its golden vapour of dust waiting to be deployed – shouts of encouragement came from its friends. As soon as Brenna began to run again the vapour darted towards her and danced around her like a swarm of glittering bees. Then she collapsed.

Frederick had been knocked against a tree when he saw her go down. “Hey!” He ran to her, getting on his knees to check she was alright. Her eyes were closed and fluttered gently, as if she was dreaming, and mud had smeared onto her mouth.

“C’mon, Bre, wake up!”

A whip cut through the air, wrapped around his legs and dragged him away. “No!” he protested.

Another creature had come through the sheet – leering as it pulled on the whip – its loincloth covering its groin. It may have appeared frail but its strength was greater than Frederick’s.

Frederick tried to grab a tree root but it stepped away. Mud and dirty water splattered onto his face, blinding him. He rolled onto his back and wiped at his eyes. With another heave he was launched ever closer to the creature, taking a chance, he took hold of the whip. He tugged on it and heard a surprised screech. The leader of the creatures’, who had gone back through the sheet, once more returned to the scene. In its hand was the pouch, as before it blew, producing the same vapoury dust.

Frederick used all his might to pull the whip, just when he thought he had succeeded another whip cracked and bound his hands.

He screamed with fury, twisted on the muddy ground, and then felt the golden dust tinkle down on him. Before he could stop himself, the magic dust taking effect, he was plunged into darkness.

// This bit is better it has action, suspense and leaves the reader waiting for more.



Overall I found the majority of this chapter quite dull and ordinary, I think you managed to pull it back together at the end but I lost interest at the start.

The prologue is meant to appear ordinary and dull because its the real world and during the middle it changes to a different realm.

I didn't want readers wondering what Brenna looked like, its better to describe her as I was writing a little about her.

The end was very different in my previous installments, I guess its better now, leaving a little mystery to what may have happened next.

I'm sorry to hear you found it dull, hopefully I can change a few things over the summer.

Minor changes have been made to C1, any thing on that chapter would be great as I find it needs a little work.

Thanks for reading and commenting, Adam.

Ill do chapter one tomorrow when I have a spare moment

Additional comments are welcome as I'd like to improve on what I've written so far.

You already know how much I like this story (I commented on it at the Society Revisited) so I'm just going to compliment your work again. The minor revisions make it even better. I really can't wait to read more.

ROAR!

Myth wrote:Brenna was contemplating over the last few days.

The word 'was' doesn't seem to fit properly in my mind, I would change it to Brenna had been contemplating...

The open space was no longer in use by the other local children...

It sounds a little too formal, so you could just change it to 'used'.

...the playfield was an ideal place to act out the dramas of their minds.

This I really liked, the image of them playing out thier imaginations ; )

Close-by was the splashing of feet, enthusiastic chatter erupted and three blue glows lit up

This I don't understand, glows? I'm assuming you mean some form of light, although I'm not sure what, perhaps you could clarify?


I do like the ending of The Beginning though, I'm a fan of unheard words . Anyhoo, to Chapter one!

What bothered the Tandy's was her appearence.

The Norman's had denied having a son,

The apostrophes aren't needed because it's plural rather than possesive. When I'm not sure if one's needed, usualy because there's a plural, I replace it with someone's name to check. So, you wouldn't say 'What bothered Jacob's was her appearance' you'd just say Jacob. Sorry, I'm a stickler for punctuation *strokes an ampersand*.

Music is my soul.

Because when I first read this I was half asleep, I was slightly confused with the first personness, if it's one of Brenna's thoughts I'd stick it in italics.

The music reached its climax, throwing every single instrument of the orchestra into the conclusion, an attempt to linger in the listeners' ears ever after...

I really like this too, I've don't listen to much classical music, but I get this strange sort of lump in my chest when I'm listening to something and it gets to a point like that, reading did that too.

Someone was humming. The sound was rather pleasant.

You tend to use quite short sentances, most are only a single statement long and some of them could be strung together with commas or conjunctions to make them longer. I'd have Someone was humming, and the sound was rather pleasant.

"This is your average troll," the imp pointed at the largest creature in a horned helmet. "You're familiar with goblins, you've come across them before."

She nodded, they were the creatures that took Fred and now she knew what they were. The third creature, smallest of the three, was an imp and she did not need to be told that.

I had to read through this several times to understand it. I don't know too much about mythical creatures so it took me a while to realise that goblins and trolls are different things, so perhaps it too could do with a little clarification.

The crystal flared and dissolved, leaving no trace of scorch marks on the table

Dissolving is something things do in water, so I'm guessing you either had the image of it burning away or fading, and I think something else would make a little more sense.

I might get hungry or the rain will come again

Brenna seems very certain that the rain will be there this time, if you were aiming for a possibility you could replace it with could.


I really did like this, and I do like the character of Brenna, although Fred seems a little arrogant and full of himself to me, he reminds me of someone I once knew. And didn't get on with very well.

You managed to keep hold of my intrest and I could read it through in one sitting. I know it doesn't seem like much but I'm so easily distracted that sometihng like that seems like a big deal for me

I'm looking forward to reading more!

Fish.

First off, thank you a million times and I reward you with cookies or whatever you fancy.

Little Tin Fish wrote:I do like the ending of The Beginning though, I'm a fan of unheard words

I too like the ending, I hate going for soppy stuff XD

Little Tin Fish wrote:

Myth wrote:What bothered the Tandy's was her appearence.

The Norman's had denied having a son,

The apostrophes aren't needed because it's plural rather than possesive. When I'm not sure if one's needed, usualy because there's a plural, I replace it with someone's name to check. So, you wouldn't say 'What bothered Jacob's was her appearance' you'd just say Jacob. Sorry, I'm a stickler for punctuation *strokes an ampersand*.

Hmm... Would it be better to use "What bothered Brenna's parents was her appearance?"

Oops, I always forget to add the italics when it comes to posting. I'm glad you liked the part about the music climax And I'll have to fix the Hob specie thing.

Thanks for reading and I'm glad you noticed Fred's arrogant side early. You'll probably hate him all the way through.

*Locked*