Maple Born

5 posts
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BerlynnRae
Gender Female
Points 1335
Reviews 16
Thu Nov 24, 2011 10:58 pm
BerlynnRae says... · Thu Nov 24, 2011 10:58 pm
"You say my worries, troubles and thoughts are scary-
You believe this because it is not personal-
But I feel it in me. In my fragile frame-
It feels I have been pierced with poison-
Slowly but surely spreading through my veins-
My heart hurts, in betrayal-
why do I bind those I love on the highest pedestal-
Oh! But the great gale tears at me-
rips me-
reminds me of what it was like to be-
Homeless and alone-
It seems though you mock me-
And maybe in deep chambers, you express care-
Outward touch that you relieve me-
From my torment, it's growing more frequently-
Absent-
Healing touch of sunlit fingers-
Busy on those who demand more-
But I just desire you to choose me-
As the lucky fallen leaf-
Preserved-
In the beauty, I am to share with those who catch me-
Before I fall-
Autumn is failing-
Spring is to desperately far-
And as the trees golden offspring-
I am terrified to touch the ground-"
Last edited by BerlynnRae on Fri Nov 25, 2011 11:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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FreshMeat
Gender Female
Points 906
Reviews 5
Thu Nov 24, 2011 11:54 pm
FreshMeat says... · Thu Nov 24, 2011 11:54 pm
Hello I'm April and I'll be reviewing this today. Sorry if I'm an awful reviewer, this is my first one. So bear with me(:

"You say my worries, troubles and thoughts are scary-
You believe this because it is not personal-
But I feel it in me. In my fragile frame-
It feels I have been pierced with poison-Good job here, I love your word choice.
Slowly but surely spreading through my veins-
My heart hurts, in betrayal-
why do I bind those I love on the highest pedestal-
Oh! But the great gale tears at me-I don't know what it is, but exclaimation points always distract me, as a reader. Sorry, just a little nitpick.
rips me-
reminds me of what it was like to be-
Homeless and alone-
It seems though you mock me-
And maybe in deep chambers, you express care-
Outward touch that you relieve me-
From my torment, it's growing more frequently-
Absent-
Healing touch of nurses fingers-I don't really understand this line...
Busy on those who demand more-
But I just desire you to choose me-
As the lucky fallen leaf-
Preserved-
In the beauty, I am to share with those who catch me-
Before I fall-
Autumn is failing-
Spring is to desperately far-
And as the trees golden offspring-
I am terrified to touch the ground-"
Great way to end, I feel a good sense of closure yet it still keeps me thinking. Bravo.



Overall, I thought this was a great poem. Other than a few grammarical mistakes and a few personal nitpicks of mine, this is a very polished piece! I would like to thank you for putting it up so that many others may enjoy your work as much as I have. Keep that ink flowing.


~~April~~
“People have a habit of inventing fictions they will believe wholeheartedly in order to ignore the truth they cannot accept.”
― Libba Bray
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ZombieSquirrel
Gender Male
Points 897
Reviews 31
Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:35 am
ZombieSquirrel says... · Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:35 am
Hello and welcome to a review with ZombieSquirrel (Crowd cheers) stay as long as you like :)

So i'll start by saying I found this intruiging, when I glanced the title I thought "That's original" Too often good pieces are undermined by so-so titles, great to see something fresh there :)

"You say my worries, troubles and thoughts are scary-
You believe this because it is not personal-
But I feel it "Within" me.
In my fragile frame-
It feels I have been pierced with poison-
Slowly but surely spreading through my veins-
My heart hurts, in betrayal-
Why do I bind those I love on the pedestal-
Oh! But "this" great gale tears at me-
rips me-
reminds me of what it was like to be-Homeless and alone-
It seems though you mock me-
And maybe in deep chambers, you express care-
Outward touch that you relieve me-
From my torment, it's growing more frequently-
Absent-Healing touch of nurses fingers-
Busy on those who demand more-
But I just desire you to choose me-
As the lucky fallen leaf-
Preserved-In the beauty, I am to share with those who catch me-
Before I fall-Autumn is failing-
Spring is to desperately far-
And as the trees golden offspring-I am terrified to touch the ground-"


I think this could benifit the reader more if you seperated it into Stanzas? Simply because with poems it can be slightly draining to read the entire thing in one go, especially with poems that go for this length. Other than that I think this is a brilliant piece with a few minor faults that could easily be altered :) Great job! Keep it up :D
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User avatar
BerlynnRae
Gender Female
Points 1335
Reviews 16
Fri Nov 25, 2011 5:16 am
BerlynnRae says... · Fri Nov 25, 2011 5:16 am
To answer the first reviewer "Nurses fingers" Are in fact confusing and I can't think of anything that describes the healing touch of physical in relation to a tree. To answer the second reviewer It is supposed to look like a tree.
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Justlittleoleme
Gender None specified
Points 503
Reviews 30
Fri Nov 25, 2011 8:26 am
Justlittleoleme says... · Fri Nov 25, 2011 8:26 am
Ahhhh, I loved this :3 I have absolutely no nitpicks.Although your symbolism did get a little lost about the middle(especially with the whole "nurses fingers" bit) the rest of the poem was pure gold. I especially loved the last line, it was almost a little too perfect and concluded your poem with a sense of completion while still leaving me on the edge of my seat...I just can't describe it. The only thing that I might do is work on the middle a bit. Like I said you symbolism got a little lost and I started to lose interest...perhaps try to spice it up a little, of course either way it is a masterpiece of its own design. ;)

Keep writing,

Justlittleoleme
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