Lonely

I shiver violently as I sit in the dark street

Cars rattle my little cardboard hut as they race by

My old tattered, green overcoat shield my faded smiley t-shirt

The alley I call my home is cold and wet from the rain tonight

Eyes watch me as they pass by in there crisp and tidy suits

Sometimes I'll peek out of the alley and just watch them as they pass by, phones in hand

My red, tattered hair is usually frozen at the ends this time of the year

Last night a man came back here and I hid, feeling helpless and scared

He told me he would help me as he quietly stalked in-animate objects

Refusing to come out, I shifted behind the grimey garbage can

He finally left and I revealed myself once again to the harsh elements

Rats scatter when I move

I hate my life and I just want it to end

Should I make it end?

Right here?

Right now?

No, not yet, not now, not this way

I want to know everything will be alright and I wont have to worry anymore

Very dramatic, and makes me feel... depressed. Also, I think it's a bit cliché, with the whole, "hobo in a box on the side of the street." Other than that I think you get the point across, if it was to feel bad about the young child who was abandoned by heartlessly cruel parents, not even willing to bring the child to an orphanage. Nice job, in some aspects.

Hi! I'm GenShawklan and I'm here to review. This is a nice emotional poem you have; I just had a few comments and suggestions.

I shiver violently as I sit in the dark street

Cars rattle my little cardboard hut as they race by

My old tattered, green overcoat shields my faded smiley t-shirt

The alley I call my home is cold and wet from the rain tonight

Although this section does a nice job of attracting the readers' attention, is does seem fairly 'listy.' You don't have to end topics with the end of the line; if you continue them and vary sentence structure it helps for an overall stronger poem.

Also, the comma in the third line seemed a bit off to me. You might want to check everyone else's opinions, but I would suggest that if you're going to have a comma after 'tattered' you should have one after 'old' as well.

Eyes watch me as they pass by in their crisp and tidy suits

This line has a minor misplaced modifier; the way the sentence is currently phrased makes it sound like the eyes are the ones wearing the suits, and I doubt they are. You could maybe instead say: "As they pass me in their crisp and tidy suits, they watch me." That draws even more attention to the fact that they simply ignore her.

Sometimes I peek out of the alley and just watch them as they pass by, phones in hand

My red, tattered hair is usually frozen at the ends this time of the year

I'd suggest replacing the word 'tattered' here with a synonym. You just used it a few lines ago, so a repeat can seem repetitive.

Maybe it's just me again - I'm weird with commas - but the one here seemed a bit off as well. Maybe nix it altogether?

Last night a man came back here and I hid, feeling helpless and scared

He told me he would help me as he quietly stalked inanimate objects

Refusing to come out, I shifted behind the grimy garbage can

He finally left and I revealed myself once again to the harsh elements

Rats scatter when I move

I hate my life and I just want it to end

Should I make it end?

Right here?

Right now?

No, not yet, not now, not this way

I want to know everything will be alright and I wont have to worry anymore

I like your ending and the fact that she still has hope. It might be even clearer if you went into a bit more detail in this section, but even as is it's nice.

This poem has a lot of potential and I know that with a few quick fixes it will be wonderful. Let me know if you have any questions or want me to review something else.

~Gen

Okay. This might be written under 'dramatic poetry', but to me, the end sounded more like one of those emails that are like 'so send it forward!'. Everything was okay here:

neonwriter wrote:I shiver violently as I sit in the dark street
Cars rattle my little cardboard hut as they race by
My old tattered, green overcoat shield my faded smiley t-shirt
The alley I call my home is cold and wet from the rain tonight
Eyes watch me as they pass by in there crisp and tidy suits
Sometimes I'll peek out of the alley and just watch them as they pass by, phones in hand
My red, tattered hair is usually frozen at the ends this time of the year
Last night a man came back here and I hid, feeling helpless and scared
He told me he would help me as he quietly stalked in-animate objects
Refusing to come out, I shifted behind the grimey garbage can
He finally left and I revealed myself once again to the harsh elements
Rats scatter when I move
I hate my life and I just want it to end
Should I make it end?
Right here?
Right now?

There beginning was kind of 'listy' as another review said (and make sure you fix the mistakes they mentioned), but the word choice was pretty good. There was definitely punctuation lacking at the end of each line... I think that if you just ended the poem after 'Right now?' it would've been more dramatic, but then you had to turn it all into a commercial with

neonwriter wrote:
My name is Amanda and I was abandoned by my parents

They didn't even have the heart to put me in an orphanage

I was only seven but spending 3 years out here made it feel like I was 20

Please help me and prevent this from happening to any other kids!

See what I mean? Yeah. So, good effort, but I didn't like your poem.
Best of luck writing.
TSM