BROKEN LOOK

Spoiler

It's about me O.O

With burning hands I raised the sun, raised the sun above,
I cast the light across the world, to ashes turned our love,
The healing is false, my friends, they lied, the pain never went away,
I smiled at the face of the lying mouth, as it screamed at me to stay,

The monsters rose from the puddles of tears, crying just like me,
My tormenters; sunk to my level, and cried out the night,
Cried out the night with me,

The sun went cold as the moon came up,
Loneliness sits next to me,
When your not around the sun comes out,
Giving me time to bleed,

I march to the drum beat belt by my heart,
With nowhere to go, nowhere to start,
I walk with a photo, blurred and bashed,
I don't know whose in it,
Their faces are slashed,

Your picture is in both my eyes,
I can't blink you out,
I've tried rubbing, tried crying,
But your images remain,
Your picture's here to stay,

My cold room is painted black,
I stuck pictures along the wall,
I sometimes sit and stare at them,
At the pictures on my black wall,

I lock the doors, i'm left inside,
My light's flickering, left inside,
In my mind, without light,
In the dark, left without, left inside,
Without the light,

Hi there!!

I read the entire poem before reading the spoiler, and when I realized that it was about you, it made me sad, I'm not going to lie. I can completely identify with the feelings you expressed. One of the best things about joining YWS, for me, was to know that there are other people out there my age who feel the same way that I do. So, if it counts for anything, I hope that your life looks up soon. Writing's an awesome way to let feelings out. It's helped me.

With burning hands I raised the sun, raised the sun above.
I cast the light across the world, to ashes turned our love.
The healing is false; my friends, they lied; the pain never went away.
I smiled at the face of the lying mouth as it screamed at me to stay.

This, to me, is the best part of the poem. It has a rhythm, which is an important part of any poem.

The monsters rose from the puddles of tears, crying just like me.
My tormenters sunk to my level and cried out the night,
cried out the night with me.

The sun went cold as the moon came up.
Loneliness sits next to me.
When you're not around the sun comes out,
giving me time to bleed.

I see a few more errors in punctuation like the ones I indicated in bold print throughout the rest of the poem. If I were you, I'd take a few minutes to edit it and perhaps combine a few of the shorter sections of the poem in order to make the poem smoother and easier to read.

Always remember that what I or any other writers say about your work are just suggestions and that you should always stay true to the way that you like to write. Losing your own personal style is the worst thing that can happen to any writer.

Lastly, I just want to say again that I genuinely hope you feel better. When I'm feeling down or depressed, I paint or play music and, well, write. Best wishes!

Always keep writing!!

-Rose

I love this poem, especially the second stanza. The imagery in that stanza and the first are amazing. I would just suggest combining the last two stanza's in some way, but even that is just a preference of mine. I love it either way and can completely relate to it. Great job!

Hi!

Like creativityrules, I didn't read the spoiler until was through reading the poem, which was dark but lovely. I really do wish the best for you.

The only thing that I have caught was that I noticed is the extra commas, but I loved the poem.
Keep writing!

~cheska

Yay! Another piece of poetry from Zombie You made my day better by posting!! hehe ok, now for the review:

I loved LOVED LOVED the first and second stanzas, but your rhythm kind of changed around the third, then changed again around the fifth. This may have been intentional, I don't know. It's not necessarily a bad thing, just different . Anyway, overall it was beautiful and sort of heartbreaking (in regard to the spoiler) but really really good! There were a few grammar mistakes, but you will catch those if you read through it again more carefully and intentionally. They weren't life-altering, just minor. I can't stress how much I love the way you write. It's so soulful and touching because it's not just someone writing down pretty images. This is really raw and from the heart and that, my friend, is what makes you and your writing awesome. Keep it up!

~Jess