Just Another One Gone

I lay here on a rotting bed,
Where others have also decayed.
Now it's my turn to fade off.
Am I ready to face what's ahead?
No matter how hard I try, I'll never be.
Because I am a mere human.
I see you buy the white sheet,
Once I used to, but now it's for me.
The tables have finally turned,
Who'd have thought it would've been this soon?
The life I led so far is about to be judged,
I wish I thought of this when I actually lived.


Everyone I love, gave up on me.
May be I was a burden.
Or may be it doesn't matter who leaves.
Just one less sinner won't change the world.
How many people have I done right to?
I mumble the names in my head & come to a stop.
The righteous ones would've never stopped..
Now I judge myself and shudder.
And wish to end my last breath with prayers.
It's a shame how I redeem when I'm helpless.
Well that's how humans are created,
Always begging at the death hour for mercy.


You just weep and sympathize me,
But I lay here watching you for one last time.
No words to speak but just stare and stare.
Because I know I won't see you in a long time.
I tell you how much I love you,
But you ask me to stop & say it'll all be fine.
You're in tears & I can't wipe it off.
Why make me feel so helpless and lost?
I lie to you about not seeing the light yet.
But the light brightens, filling my sight with darkness
And I finally let go off your lively hand.
Yes, just another one gone making no difference...

This is really good, and I really like the meaning behind it. It has a deep visual and emotional meaning, that you've done a very good job on. The only thing that tripped me up was the rhyme scheme. It was off in many places, and then it kept changing. I would try to reword a few things, just to either take out the rhyme scheme entirely, or to make it constant. Read it to yourself a few times, and decide what fits best. Also, I would do a syllable count on this if it were me. I hate counting syllables, but your rhythm kept tripping up and falling out of beat. Try to keep your beats within one step of each other. For example, a sonnet has 10-11 syllables in each line. You shouldn't have a line that has 5 syllables, and then one that has 8. Again, just proof-reading over and over again, as tiresome as it may sound, is the very best way to perfect your meter and you rhyme scheme.

So I ended up really likeing this poem, it was a little slow at the start but it grasped me towards the second stanza. Its a very good idea the feelings someone who is dieing feels, and how life is precious. I also agree with wewinwelose your flow is quite off sometimes, and counting syllables is really helpful. My favorite way to check rhythm and flow is just saying my poem out loud and seeing were things are jumbled.

For example like here:

Everyone I love, gave up on me.
May be I was a burden.
Or may be it doesn't matter who leaves.

Maybe I was a burden is not fitting with you other two lines, they're both long and have 9-10 syllables. Whereas your middle line has only seven. So just work on finding the right sylabble counts that work and you'll be up and running.

Overall good message, good poem, just a couple things to work on.