Disconnection

I am, a black satin ribbon
twisted
into a smile on
the cold cement

A whisper at midnight,
between
cupped hands and
flashlit lovers

Like the moment
I realised a spiders fang
could commence a cut

of the national grid
with my spine at its core

And with the lights
out in the shadow of night,
comes the dislocation
of middle america

Light and shadow,
harsh lines, carved
in wet sand
deep as canyons

Hi Camron,

If I had to make a presumption it would be that you are not new to poetry because this is a very well structured piece of writing. Your poetic style has great strength in relaying metaphors, similies and other image devices.

"I am, a black satin ribbon/twisted/into a smile on /the cold cement"-Even for a first stanza, this was very impressive as an image tool.

I really liked the start of the sixth stanza 'Light and shadow', not because of those words as individual terms but because there is definitely an overall feeling of conflict between light and darkness, from the initial image of the black satin ribbon, to the darkness of the spiders fang to the shadow of night when the lights are turned out in 'middle america'.

Usually I am able to provide advice for people to improve their poems but I don't feel yours needs any changing because it has been well revised and the language kept simple, unpretentious and visually stimulating.

If you ever have time, PM me providing your interpretation of the what the poem means because while I completely understand some of the connotations I would like your interpretation to get a better grip of the theme and the poems inspiration.

Cheers, Nomad

Hot damn! There are some strong images in there, particularly enjoyed the dislocation of middle america when the power is out(if I have interpreted that correctly.) I don't have a great deal to say, this is my kind of poetry, to the point laden with clean cut images and a clear message. I would say at times you misplace commas, periods and line breaks. But these are small things,the voice of the poem won't be drowned out by these niggling whispers.

Well done.

This is a really good poem . The only problem I see is the punctuation. When there is no punctuation, people can do one of two things: They can read it non stop as though it is all meant to be in one breath, or they can chop it up, and pause after each line. Both take away from the actual meaning of the original poem, and confuse the reader. Here's how I'd fix it:

I am, a black satin ribbon,
twisted
into a smile on
the cold cement.

A whisper at midnight,
between
cupped hands and
flashlit lovers. Flashlit is not a word, did you mean "flashlight lit?" I am not entirely sure what this line is supposed to mean.

Like the moment
I realised a spiders fang Realized**
could commence a cut.

of the national grid
with my spine at its core[u].[/u] I didn't understand this stanza, or why it was seperated from the last.

And with the lights
out in the shadow of night,
comes the dislocation
of middle America[u].[/u]

Light and shadow,
harsh lines, carved
in wet sand,
deep as canyons.
I am, a black satin ribbon,
twisted
into a smile on
the cold cement.

A whisper at midnight,
between
cupped hands and
flashlit ? lovers.

Like the moment
I realized a spiders fang
could commence a cut.

of the national grid
with my spine at its core.

And with the lights
out in the shadow of night,
comes the dislocation
of middle America.

Light and shadow,
harsh lines, carved
in wet sand
deep as canyons.

Also, don't forget to always capitalize the start of every line. Other than that, this is a great poem . Goodjob!

Despite what has been said, you don't need to capitalise the start of every line-in fact most contemporary poets stay away from this. Similarly, the punctuation is fine and the word realisation is spelt with an 's' rather than a 'z' outside the US in many countries.

I am, a black satin ribbon twisted into a smile on the cold cement.

A whisper at midnight, between cupped hands and flash lit lovers.

Like the moment I realized a spiders fangbcould commence a cut of the national grid with my spine at it's core.
I don't really understand where the word national plays in here?

And with the lights out in the shadow of night,comes the dislocation of middle America.
Don't need comma there.
Light and shadow,harsh lines, carved in wet sand deep as canyons.

A very unusual peice. I like it though, it's nice. I like some wording you used and the line about the spiders bite. It's good but needs some corrections and you could add on to this.