Cold Night

Spoiler

Well hello everybody:) I wasn't writing poems for quite a while, but then POOF! I got an idea, and so just had to write it! This is quite raw, so tear it apart!

On that cold, silent night
When you forgot you loved me
You closed your eyes and thought of me
But didn’t wish goodnight

And you neglected thoughts
Of how your dream won’t fade
And how you wanted so
To hear my voice again.

The rain that hit the glass with angst
Did not resemble tears
And the starlight didn’t glow
In your darkened eyes

On that cold, silent night,
When you forgot you loved me,
I cried and cried for you.

I screamed, so not to fade,
But all my voice became:
A whisper in the wind
Of all the hope you kept

But I should turn away
Because our love no longer lived,
And I should let you go,
Vanish in the hopeless, darkest night

When you forgot you loved me...

Wow this is really impressive
i think you can really feel the emotion when reading this which is ahrd when you hear so many songs about the same old dilly dally.

keep writing

Ste x

I really liked this poem! There's actually not much huge stuff I have to say about it, but there's a few nitpicky things.

On that cold, silent night
When you forgot you loved me

You use these two lines twice throughout the poem. However, the title is simply Cold Night, which you expect to be in the first or last line of the poem, but in the poem itself you add 'silent' to it. I think you should change the title to "Cold, Silent Night" instead; it would make so much more sense.

But didn’t wish goodnight

"Goodnight" should be separated; maybe even with quotes around it.

screamed, so not to fade,
But all my voice became:

Two things: in the first line, maybe say " so as not to say" instead, it makes much more grammatical sense.
Also, in the second line, get rid of the colon, it really doesn't need to be there.

So, a few little errors and such, but in general, the tone was awesome, you did well at conveying emotions, and I liked the rhythm as well!

Hey there! This is such a great poem. I love the imagery that you've placed into the this, all the things that are trying to portray the emotion being felt. I like the way you used the words in order to make the theme quite dark. The choice of words that you picked really gave out a great feel. I'll expecting more works from you.
~Vit

Wow. This is so impressive! I liked it a lot.

I like how this is so well-written and the words are nicely chosen.

And I like the repetition lines in your poem too,

On that cold, silent night
When you forgot you loved me

which is relevant for me.

And I thought you should know,these are my favorite lines.

And the starlight didn’t glow
In your darkened eyes

And I should let you go,
Vanish in the hopeless, darkest night

Keep writing! <3

Hello there. I'm here to review your poem as requested.

Here's pretty much the only nitpick I found that hasn't been mentioned

Because our love no longer lives,

I believe it makes more sense written that way.

I would like you to correct the mistakes Blue Raspberry has pointed out as well, because I did see them too. I don't know if it's just because you didn't have time, or something else.

For the overall impression on your poem, it was good. The flow was excellent, I didn't feel like it was cut short at some places, or on the contrary that you talked to much about something else, so for that part it was perfect. The vocabulary you used was great as well, you made great use of certain words to make imagery.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Hey there Polink,

I'm so sorry for my lateness. Please forgive me.

Well, I'd say it was a good poem. You showed the emotions well, and it was quite thought-out. And I loved the way you sort of made it seem like the narrator had realized the truth at the end, but still haven't let go of her feelings.

Mistakes

And you neglected thoughts
Of how your dream won’t fade

I don't know if I'm wrong here, but shouldn't this be "And your neglected thoughts"?

And the starlight didn’t glow
In your darkened eyes

I think it would be better to say, "And the starlight that didn't glow"

And I should let you go,
Vanish in the hopeless, darkest night

Better to say, "Vanish in the hopeless, dark night" as saying "darkest" would break it's flow.

Overall

I liked the variation of poem that you achieved with the acceptance of reality by the narrator. And I also liked how you repeated the sentence,

When you forgot you loved me

even though it isn't even the title of the poem. But the fact I love was that even after accepting the truth, the poem once again says this sentence, as if the narrator still has the feelings.

So, on the overall, well done on the poem, because you showed the emotions correctly and you did not break the flow except for that one before the last sentence.

Good luck and keep writing.

- C -

Hey!! It's Nike, here to edit like you requested.

On that cold, silent night
When you forgot you loved me
You closed your eyes and thought of me
But didn’t wish goodnight

And your neglected thoughts
Of how your dream won’t fade
And how you wanted so
To hear my voice again.

The rain that hit the glass with angst
Did not resemble tears
And the starlight didn’t glow
In your darkened eyes

On that cold, silent night,
When you forgot you loved me,
I cried and cried for you.

I screamed, so not to fade,
But all my voice became:
A whisper in the wind
Of all the hope you kept

But I should turn away
Because our love no longer lived,
And I should let you go,
Vanish in the hopeless, darkest night

When you forgot you loved me...

THIS WAS BEAUTIFUL! No editing, just one misspelled word. This was great, perfect emotion. I liked it. Great job.

Nike

Keep Writing!