Raining in Paradise

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My first posted poem in spanish, my native language.

Hoy mi alma descansa,
Me siento como marinero navegando en aguas placidas.
Mi ser grita al ser bendecido
Por las murmullosas aguas de la paz.

El paraiso que ilusiono resulta ser mas real
Con cada segundo que pasa.
El viento soplandome me acaricia con
Sus besos ligeros que se esparcen despues que me tocan.

El sol calido y protector me,
Abriga y me vigila contra todo mal.
El olor dulce de las flores me lleva
A otro mundo mas tranquilo.

Mientras mi hamaca me sostiene y me eleva
Del piso frio, mi mente me lleva a
Las monta~as mas altas y los valles mas bajos;
Al punto mas profundo del mar y la parte
Mas alto del cielo.

Comienza a llover,
Mi mundo se humedece.
No huyo.
La lluvia es bienvenida en mi paraiso.

Cierro los ojos,
Pienso en amores pasados que no alcanzaron la fruicion.
Pondero mi vida.
Contemplo el amor.

El frio de las gotas efimeras me recuerdan los
Momentos mas desesperados y solemnes de mi vida,
Noto que no es muy diferente que ahora.

En este mundo de pura ilusion mia,
No domina lo ideal, mis sentimientos,
Sino que dominan los pensamientos de un loco desquiciado.

Culpo a el amor.
Last edited by gokubrother on Thu Nov 03, 2011 2:08 am, edited 3 times in total.
‎"If you can't build a fire in your house, you can't expect to set the world ablaze."
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Hola, goku! ^_^

Me encanta! Y el final es perfecto. Tienes mucho vocabulario y eso es bueno. Me lo disfruté, sin dudar. Pero te faltan los acentos, no hablo mucho de eso, porque a lo mejor es que se te hace difícil ponerlos en la computadora. Pero está bien, no molesto, porque el poema en general está precioso.

Te hago algunas sugerencias en italic, okay? ^_^

Spoiler
Estrofa número uno. Última línea: "Por las murmullosas aguas del agua.

Estrofa número tres: Primera línea: Quizás querías decir, "El sol calido me proteje"?
Tercera línea: "El olor dulce de las flores me lleva". :)

Estrofa número cuatro: Es mi favorita. xD Está perciosa.
En la última línea: "Más alta del cielo"

Estrofa número cinco. Última línea: "La lluvia es bienvenida en mi paraíso."

Estrofa número siete. Primera línea: Creo que sonaría mejor así... "El frío de las gotas efímeras me recuerda los momentos más..."

La última línea del poema: "Culpo a el amor".


Brillante trabajo! Si tienes alguna pregunta, pués... envíame un mensaje. xD

~Vale
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."




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From the limited amount of spanish i know, i think it is creative that you posted this poem in spanish, your native language. Perhaps you could put it in english also the rest of us englees could enjoy it to? por favor? Thnx!
~rosey
My best friend always told me to reach for the moon because the worst I could do was land on a star.




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My Spanish is quite rusty, but from what I understood, this poem was lovely. The language struck me as being a bit simple at times, but the simplicity is what made this poem so beautiful, because even though the language was simple (which made it easier for me to understand), it was also quite precise. I also noticed that all the images you used were reused/mentioned throughout the poem, which was very nice and gave this poem a sense of completeness.

I think, since there aren't as many Spanish speakers around, that this poem could benefit from having a recording of someone reading it aloud. At the very least, non-speakers would be able to appreciate how the poem sounds and comment upon that, even if they do not understand the language. Just a thought.

Anyway, I've included my understanding/translation of the poem below the spoiler. Feel free to correct it/me. I really would like to understand and really appreciate this poem.

Spoiler
Today my soul rests.
I feel like a sailor navigating placid waters.
My soul cries out to be blessed by the sound of water. (iffy about this sentence)

The paradise that is illusion becomes more real with every passing second.
The blowing wind caresses me with his light kisses that spread after I play. (not sure about this sentence)

The sun is warm and my protector, sheltering me against and watching for all evil.
The sweet smell of flowers leads me to another quieter world.

While my hammock lifts and holds me above the cold floor, my mind takes me to the mountains — to the highest heights and lowest valleys, to the deepest depths of the sea and the highest heavens.

It starts to rain.
My world is moistened.
Do not run away.
The rain is welcome in my paradise.

I close my eyes, think about past loves that did not reach fruition.
I ponder my life.
I look at love.

The cold drops remind me of the most desperate and serious fleeting moments of my life.
I notice that not much is different now.

In this world of mine of pure illusion, it does not dominate my ideals, my feelings, but dominates the thoughts of a deranged madman with no future. (really not sure about this sentence)

I blame love.
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
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H'okay...

My Spanish only goes so far(really, it's quite sad), but this translated so beautifully I had to stop by to lend a quick word. With whatever I can manage to be of help with anyway. Apologies if I misinterpret you. For one this is poetry, and for two, it's in another language. xD So here I go.

Now, one thing that tends to be a little flimsy with reading poetry in another language and then interpreting it into English is that here and there things might read a bit rougher. Not that it's a major issue, but it is nice when words can translate smoothly this way or that, and you seemed to have quite a few lines in here that were golden.

La lluvia es bienvenida en mi paraiso.


I love this so much. Honestly, it is quite the multifaceted line, and can be interpreted in so many soft spoken ways. And, again it just translates beautifully. (Though I do think Sol's comment on how it could be re-written made sense.) You want to be dynamic like this with your audience. It's always a pleasure to read that way.

Another thing I quite liked about this was that you mirrored ideas front to back. To be basic, you had a clear opening line and a clear ending line. Here, simple was beauty. Hoy mi alma descansa, Culpo a el amor. You give a statement and a reason, but not before thickening up the gist of why first. Which puts meaning in the simple beginning and simple ending. I can only say nice work.

To get constructive, or at least try, I will say I was a bit iffy about the way your imagery and feelings flash so sporadically. But then again, perhaps I was just seeing things a bit too rough to understand. In any case, I think what you have written here is beautiful. Clearly you have a gift for seeing poetry in its most concentrated form; just honest and beautiful.

Sorry if nothing I said made any sense to you, seeing as you obviously understand your own poetry better than I ever will. But I figured I'd give it a shot! Wonderful job though, Goku.

-Smylin'
Paul is my little, evil, yellow bundle of joy.




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That was absolutely beautiful, and translated so well I was absolutely amazed. You definitely have an amazing English-Spanish ability here and I'm curious what you could do if you combined the two into a poem.....I've seen it done before and it's beautiful :). Just thought I'd put that out there, about the poem all I have to say it that it was gorgeous....I loved it :), great job.
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