love poem

Skin the color of dark chocolate
and eyes prettier than anys
he's my infatuation
as he is manys
if love was a real thing
and existed outside of movies
he'd ask me out on a date to the movies

First of all, welcome to YWS, I hope it helps keep writing fun and allows you to meet many people as passionate about it as yourself.

This poem feels really sincere to me, which is good, but I think there are one or two technical points holding you up, so let's go to it.

Skin the color of dark chocolate
and eyes prettier than anys
he's my infatuation
as he is manys
if love was a real thing
and existed outside of movies
he'd ask me out on a date to the movies

To create more of a physical presence in the poem, you may want to go further into description with specifics, scent, sound, the way he moves, the way he eats, what are his hands like, what is he like around other people? What is distinctive about him, what is similar to the narrator? It may help to write down everything you can possibly think of, and then there will be a few phrsases that pop out at you, and these will be pivotal points in the poem. How do you want him to look at you? What is his hand like? How does he treat you? How does he make you feel? What happens to you when you see him? Try not to go for the usual stuff, be mindful of when it happens to you and note down anything weird, maybe there is like an electric current under your ribs, or your cheeks feel heavy, it's different for everyone.
Second of all, and I do not say this lightly, I would abandon the rhyming for now. I think that if you choose a word because it rhymes rather than because it feels natural, the phrase isn't right. When you use a traditional structure like a sonnet or a villanelle or a quatrain, the trick is to make it feel like you're not, that you were writing your thoughts exactly the way you thought them and they just happened to fit rhythmically together and rhyme through their natural gesture. They always tell us musicians, "The audience doesn't want to see the effort, they want to hear the music". It is ruthless and impossible, but true. Be honest and observant and it will be poetry, everything else will come.
Hope to see more of your work.

It's really good!It's sincere and emotional.Keep writing.

Hello there,

I can understand the story line behind this poem and thought that you expressed the story well ;3

However there were some things that I would change...

- The poem is too short .... (you may have just decided to make a very small poem ) But the problem with that is that it doesn't show as much emotion and story as it should ... Most poems are two or three verses long and even that's considered small. If you went back and added just a few more verses I'm sure you would get your point across much better.

- The last two lines are a bit confusing... you say "and existed outside of movies , he'd ask me out on a date to the movies" I don't think this is considered a rhyme as both of the ending words are the same and don't really fit in ... It breaks the flow of the poem ;3 .... if you were stuck for words that rhyme for movies google it! ;3


thank you
sianniiee