She gives

Spoiler

Just a little something I came up with while I was trying to sleep....the title is definitely subject to change. Help me out with that please?

Walking on the beach,
a tall figure I see.
It is a pretty girl,
despondent though is she.

She walks alone,
slowly and silently,
unaware of what's around her.
None to hear her plea.

Then, as slowly as she steps,
upon the golden sand,
while looking at the stars above,
she merges with shadows off land.

Never to return to a life,
that was once hers to live.
The deep blue ocean beckons,
and then, the girl, she gives.

Spoiler

Rip it to pieces, if you must!

Is this about a ghost? Sorry if it isn't, but that's the only guess I have about what's going on here. I loved the overall idea, it was short and simple and easy to read. At some parts it didn't flow very well, though.

She walks alone,
slowly and silently,
unaware of what's around her.
None to hear her plea.

Here, the rhythm is off kilter. The first line is too short, whilst the last two lines are too long, but you can just get away with it. The third verse is my favourite, but that's a little bit off rhythm towards the end as well. The last line is about two syllables too long. The only improvement I can think of there is '...while looking at the stars above, she merges with the land.' (although that might not be what's actually happening.) The only verse that's rhythm perfect is the last one, but here I get confused. I'm not quite sure what's going on. It seems like you could have used another verse to straighten the whole thing out. As for the the title, I have no idea.
-Anna

Comments and Corrections in Violet:

Walking on the beach,
a tall figure I see. (I know you're trying to be creative and figurative, but talking like Yoda is a bit much)
It is a pretty girl,
despondent though is she. (Refer to comment above)

She walks alone,
slowly and silently,
unaware of what's around her.
None to hear her plea. (I like this stanza the best. Very short and simple, but it gives me a good idea of what you're referring to)

Then, as slowly as she steps,
upon the golden sand, (This is quite awkward. This line is a bit unnecessary unless you have a hidden meaning and it's just not going through my head)
while looking at the stars above,
she merges with shadows off land. (This is a very stressed rhyme, try using different syllables or words to get the same message across)

Never to return to a life,
that was once hers to live.
The deep blue ocean beckons,
and then, the girl, she gives.(You are not quite clear on what she's giving. I don't quite understand what you mean. Is she giving her life? Giving up a love? etc.)

Overall, I thought it was really nice. You did a good job of keeping a very soft, eerie mood throughout the poem. I think the only thing you have to work on here is just making the message a bit finer and clear cut so I (the reader) can understand better. That's all I really have to say, sorry if I was no help.

FADE.

Bubbly!

I think this poem is nice. It's short and simple and gives a basic (but I'm a little unsure) meaning to it.

First of all - I can see no mistakes with grammar or punctuation which is good
Second - I think every poem should begin with a strong opening and end. If it has an intriguing middle as well it is usually one of those poems that stays with the reader for a long time. However, I think your end line needs a bit of improving on. But nothing that cannot easily be fixed.

HarryPotterRocks wrote:and then, the girl, she gives.

What is the girl giving? Whatever it is that she is giving, then that is what the title of this poem should be. But leaving it like this leaves the poem a little bit incomplete and I think it will leave the reader a little bit confused.

But this poem was good! Just needs a little more touching up.

Deanie x

Hey harry! COME ONE IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME AN IDEA FOR A NICK NAME I'LL JUST GIVE YOU ONE AND YOU MAY OR MAY NOT LIKE IT! lol anyways..... Dogs here with your review today. very nice poem, great imagery and short and simple. You have some really powerful and deep words in here, but compared to your other poetry this isn't nearly as good as most of your amazing poems! There are aspects that are excellent about this piece and some that arn't as fantastic.

Anywho! In the first stanza the 2nd and 4th line:

"a tall figure I see/despondent though is she"

Great use of the word despondent it sounds amazing! But...... this is sooo awkwardly worded. It kinda seems a little forced rhyming wise. Now you probly know by now that in a lot of poems I urge people to broaden their vocabulary whenever they can! I think in the 1st line of the 2nd stanza

"She walks alone,"

You should replace walk with something more ominous or powerful. This line dosn't hinder your poem at all but you can defnietly make it stronger.

Now for the 3rd stanza, perfect. Absolutly lovely please don't change a thing.

"And then, the girl, she gives"

Awwwwwwwwwwww noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you were going so well in the 3rd stanza leading up to such a fantastic ending and them WHAM! It just ends on a note that dosn't make sense . This is just me, but maybe you could change this to basing it off of the sea and focusing this poem more on the ocean and the beach and the "golden sand" (my favorite line!). I think you should focus more on that, talk about what she looks like, what color is her skin, what facial expression she has, what her hair is like. OH! You should talk about how her hair flows in the sea breeze like... like.... umm mmmmm i don't know i'm thinking on the spot here..... i give up! Anyways that is your job lol.

As for the name of the poem you should call it either "Golden Sand" "Mournful Sea" "Shadows of the land" something like that. Anyways thats all I have to say KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK ALICE! Your name is Alice now because you failed to give me a nick name and Alice is my favorite name for a girl. Followed closely by Val and Rose . Keep writing my friend!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh

Hermy!!

Wow, I love this poem a lot! The somewhat dark yet confusing subject matter is quite intriguing and begs to be asked the question - 'What in the world is she giving?' lol. xD But seriously, That's the part that I really didn't get and since the whole poem leads up to that, I have a sort of feeling that she's about to attempt suicide or either let herself be free and enjoy the gentle waves of the sea.

The rhyming here is okay at best and I do love the choice of words. Just don't make it sound like you've been trying too hard with the piece. An important thing with rhyme is to focus on syllable count on each sentence. If the syllable counts on each sentence are equal or close to it, the rhyming will come along perfectly. There were a little glitches here and there with the rhyming, but overall, a very deep poem with a really a n interesting undertone that I think you need to further broaden and give more description.

So right now, I can safely say that you're coming along quite well as a great poetess. Just remember, all you need to do is go through your piece time and again and you'll find for yourself all the areas which you could improve and make this poem better than it already is.

I enjoyed reading this poem, Hermy! And you've done a great job writing it as well. So keep the ink flowing!!

Murtuza