“Already? Gees,”Lose the comma.
“Congrats, when he gets big, we’ll toss around a football.”This would read better using 'bigger' rather than 'big.'
The smell of Gain was tickling my senses, as my mother had probably washed my sheets and pillowcases with the detergent. [I understand the sentiment of it, and it's a good opening line, but from a reader's standpoint it seems rather flat, especially coming from this character.]
Opening my eyes I began to wake up, my internal alarm clock let me know that it was morning. [This sentence bothers me. Shouldn't he begin to wake up before his eyes open? Consider rephrasing this.]
Tonya got out of bed and stretched her little fourteen year old body. She was just a kid but she already had the body of a woman, which was the reason why she was staying nights at my house. [In my opinion, these two statements are somewhat contradicting. Her 'fourteen-year-old body' gives me the impression of, well, a girl who looks fourteen. But if she has the body of a woman, that means early physical maturity and not the body of a young girl.]
A nervous chill ran down my spine, crap, I hadn't expected to get caught. ['A nervous chill ran down my spine' should end with a period, and 'crap, I hadn't expected to get caught' should start as a new sentence. There are quite a few of these run-ons throughout the story, so you might want to do some proofreading.]
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
