Efflorescence

Okay well, I really don't right much poetry but this came in on me the other night and I quite like it. I really want CONSTRUCTIVE responses. I don't really give a **** if you like it or not. I want to know how I can improve my poetry.

Also, about the title, it was a kinda last minute thing. I'm not really sure if it fits the poem or not.

Efflorescence

Scrawling in this god-forsaken,
hopeless heart,
lies a secret--
deep within.
It doesn't move,
it rests pitifully
in the well-kept chambers
where it waits to leap.
Where it waits to
bound out the open eyes
and catch the wisp of a smile
which glances spitefully off the
ever-solemn face of a girl
forever caught in my solace.

Constructive it is

lies a secret--
deep within.

This sounds a little bit cliché. You hear a lot about things deep within hearts. Especially secrets. I can see the point of the imagery, but maybe consider different wording.

which glances spitefully off the
ever-solemn face of a girl
forever caught in my solace.

The repetition of ever/forever is a little bit jolting. It doesn't really flow as well as the rest of the poem. Actually, it isn't necessarily the repetition of the 'ever' but the way it works with the rhythm of the poem. It just doesn't sound quite right.

The title doesn't quite make sense...unless you mean it with the literal French translation. The first time I read it, I thought it said effervescence, which makes slightly more sense. Anyway, I think titles aren't that important, at least not in comparison to the writing.

Oh and also,

Where it waits to
bound out the open eyes

This doesn't quite work, I think the first line is too short when contrasted with the line above it.

I hope that all makes sense

p.s. I really like it (sorry I couldn't help it)

Hey, dogs here! So yeah this poem has a lot of potential in it. It is a good topic but firstly you should expand upon this, broaden the understanding for the reader. Right now i see that it is telling us someone have a secret in their heart, but what of it? How does it make them feel? Bring out some emotion in this, if thats really hard to do on this particular piece write a piece of poetry in the future that you are really passionate and emotional about. In some ways this poem is really good because it keeps the reader wondering and makes the reader try to create ideas about what the secret could be. But you have to find a balance in between what is giving the reader too much information and what it just to vague. For example when you say:

"bound out the open eyes/ and catch the wisp of a smile..."

Why does this secret want to do this? Expand on this! I am a huge fan of short poems but only if it can get the point across to the reader so much so that it leaves an impact. This piece can leave a huge impact on someone if you broaden it, often people can relate to that which can be another quality of a great poem. What message are you trying to tell us? Be sure to encrypt that in your poem.

FInally just a few technically errors as far as flow so we can take out some of the choppiness of the poem. And by taking out choppiness i don't mean it has to rhyme, a lot of great poems don't rhyme. But anyways here's what i would suggest:

"Where it waits to/ bound out the open eyes/ and catch the wisp of a smile/ which glances spitefully off the/ ever-solemn face of a girl"

Ok so this is an excellent line in a book, but not so much in poetry, firstly it makes it a little difficult for the reader because it doesn't flow smoothly, also the length of each line are all very different. I would suggest you should work towards making each line relatively the same length. If you want it to be short thats fine, but try to make each line short. Also grammatically i would suggest you add in some more punctuation in this. For example:

Where it waits to/ bound out the open eyes,/ and catch the wisp of a smile./ THAT glances spitefully off/ the ever-solemn face of a girl

Thats just an example of what you can do. This poem has a lot of potential and props to you for stepping outside of your usual writing zone to make a poem. Keep up the good work!



TuckEr EllsworTh