J.A.P

Inside out.
Hack it out with a knife.
All your pain and sufferings.
And all will be left will be your stoned heart,
An emotionless heart…..
If that’s what you want to do then what can I do??

But, I am telling you again,
No please don’t,
Don’t do it for you will become a heartless being, a doll.
No, No don’t go in the darkness for,
You will not be able to return
You will not be able to get your soul back,
As it will already drown into darkness

But, no you
Did not listen to me
And now,
What have you become??
Just look at yourself,
You look pale and lifeless

As I look at you from afar
I see you looking at the clouds in the blue sky
As emotionless as ever
But, I know that
there are so many things going on your mind.
I know you still worry and care for everyone.

Your eyes are filled with darkness
As if your soul had been drained out.
And, you stay so still that
No would dare to mess with you for,
You rule and ride in the dark.

You are surrounded by darkness.
What do you really want??
Playing the ‘bad guy’ what will you get??
Are you waiting for your light that will pull you out?
From the darkness??
Or have you given up trying yourself.

As I look at you from the sealed shadows,
I realize that I cannot help you
No matter how much I want to…
For faith for bids me,
Someone else is destined to help you,
Be with you forever, to be your light.

So, all I can do is watch you,
And pray for you that
You may get your light soon that
You will be able to come out and
Overcome the dark that is within you.

I will always watch you from the shadows
For, that’s all I can do……………
….look at you from the dark.

This part had to be my favorite.

ERZA wrote:Inside out.
Hack it out with a knife.
All your pain and sufferings.
And all will be left will be your stoned heart,
An emotionless heart…..

I think your a good writer but with a little work you could be a great writer. The poem was good no doubt, but there are some things you could improve on. Like for instance:

And all will be left will be

I got the gist of what you were saying but that particular wording made that line a little more confusing than i think you intended for. Your grammar was perfect though, i don't recall you making many errors. The other thing, and forgive me if i sound like im nagging or being to harsh, you might want to establish a general idea or core fore your poetry. I wasn't sure if it was soely based on two people in love struggling or saving someone who was losing control. I could sense the intent of some type of battle but i didn't know who it was with and for what reason it was occuring. But enough with the bad, i also want to commend you because i know you intended for this to be a complex piece and it was indeed. It was very well written and creative and i really hope you continue because you do have talent. So with that said great poem and don't think im trying to tell you to change your style i was just giving some pointers. Great job though!

Lovely! There was such a lot of emotion in the poem, it genuinely moved me. That pain, that care, that sorrow, everything was brought about so naturally, fluently. It seemed as if it all came from within. A very expressive poem. Touching and moving. Great work. Keep writing.