Gamophobe

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Taken down.
Last edited by Audy on Tue Nov 08, 2011 7:30 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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The fishes jump over the bridge,
soaring upstream to reach the high waters.
They catch plump flies, green,
that hover just below silver boughs
which in the sunlight do gleam,
of summer days stretched by the stream.
To eat a fish, to pin it, and boil it
and spit out the bones, makes me feel most uneasy.
Until that warm and tender flesh
that is ever so heavenly fresh.
I know and love, leaves my mouth in a haste,
headed down the line, felling full in the body and in mind.
I have not wasted time, for fish understand the likings of my kind.
For when the school swims away
there's no longer any reason to stay.
Spoiler
justkidding
Davantageous




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First of all, thank you for titling this as you did, because now I have a new word in my vocabulary. :)

I liked the imagery in this a lot, and I especially liked the line "summer days stretched tautly." I also love these lines:

"To eat a fish, to pin it, and boil it
and spit out the bones, will leave me
full in the body, but empty at heart."

I only have one improvement to suggest:

The last two lines rhyme, which I'm sure wasn't done intentionally, but it just feels weird after the rest, since the rest doesn't rhyme. Also I feel like the poem's not quite over, even though I'm at the end - which may just be because of the sudden rhyme, I'm not sure.

But that's it.

So I hope that helped...

~Blue




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I have found your piece a work of beauty and nature. A picturesque scene is displayed right as I read. Keep it up. :)
"At this very instant, I augment the spacetime that permeates and weaves our beings."




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I read it, and thought it was very quaint, certainly simple enough for me to wrap my head around, which is always a good thing.

At some points, however, I felt like it staggered, almost as if you were afraid of a little ambiguity. Instead of over-wording something, try trusting the reader to derive your meaning without any wordy flourishes.

Here'd be my revisions:

All the (Need "All"? Need "the"? I'd pick one of them to delete.) fish jump over the bridge,
soaring upstream to reach the high waters. (Delete "the.")
They catch plump flies, green, ("green" made this line stagger a little bit. If you feel that "green" is necessary, perhaps try reworking this line to fit it into the rhythm.)
that hover just below silver boughs (Great line!)
of summer days stretched tautly. (Change "tautly" to "taut." Yes- I looked it up- "stretched taut" is grammatically allowed.)
To eat a fish, to pin it, and boil it (Simple- it does wonders.)
and spit out the bones, will leave me
full in the body, but empty at heart. (That comma after "body" adds a nice pause. Good job there.)
For when the school swims away
there's no longer any reason to stay. (Meh. Seeing as you don't have rhymes for the rest of the poem, I'd contend that "stay", here used, seems forced, as if it popped into your head last second and you thought it was blindingly genius. I'd replace that word with something more concise, but that still effects your meaning.)


Overall, it's dandy. Obviously, it took little effort. And (at least on paper) it seems to have very little emotional value except some blitheness.

CON: A little bit superfluous at times
PRO: Simple and blithe

Keep writing!



Mudwesterner
— BlueAfrica