Bare

Bare

I feel naked
Flushing at the way
Your eyes burn through my skin
Right into my soul
Analyzing the parts of me
I didn’t want you to know

You take my words
Muddling through
The insignificance
To find the implication
I never thought you’d understand

You don’t touch me
But send a smile that
Folds itself around my heart
And shrouds it from
Its own vulnerabilities

Your assertions incise
My skin to reveal my heart
And you use my reveries against me
But that smile buffers the blight

And I’d like to think
You only hurt yourself

well, it could use a little help, but overall its understandable, the message should get clearer, if you make it longer, but im just saying, i liked it, i guess its kinda like someones slighest movements, make you smile? understandable, well great poem, if you get a chance please check out my poem called Black Box

I really enjoy reading it, even so it needs a bit more into it.
I can sense the rush of emotion that you have for this, but it seem to be missing something.
Even so I loved the rush of this poem.

Hey Amy! Isha here to review.

I've decided that I'm going to do something a little different than I usually do and go trough this poem stanza by stanza, as opposed to jut throwing you a huge block of text to slog through and make sense of, because if I did that this time around, you'd be faced with a long list of ramble.

So, to start with, I want to talk about your first line:

amygabb wrote:I feel naked

Do you really now? How interesting. Actually, to be totally honest, I found this to be a weak opening. It's a fairly overused line, and when I read this as your first line, I honestly didn't know what to expect from the rest of the poem. First lines are crucial in poetry- they're the hook, which I'm sure you've probably heard before. There's got to e something better than this that you can use. 

amygabb wrote:Flushing at the way 
Your eyes burn through my skin
Right into my soul
Analyzing the parts of me 
I didn’t want you to know

Okay, so honestly, there wasn't much that I liked about your first stanza as a general rule. The lines and the unwanted can only pass as 'decent', and it's an overall cliche idea that you have here. Now, this is also more or less what the rest of your poem is about, so it's a little tricky to get rid of it. 

Is there any way that you can think of to make it stronger? A better first line, rephrasing, exploring your word-choice, your idea. Rather than say 'right into my soul', which is a very worn out line, what else can you say to get the emotion and the point across? A synonym for 'soul' or another way to phrase it? 

Anyways, I hope you get my point there. Moving on.

amygabb wrote:You take my words 
Muddling through 
The insignificance
To find the implication
I never thought you’d understand

Okay, so you're getting stronger here, but there's still that extra dash that you're lacking. The imagery is just barely more than decent, so I won't focus on that. Instead, I want to point put the flow. It's a little choppy, and even though some people don't, a lot of people make sharp cuts at the end of lines. The lack of punctuation doesn't help- it sort of reads like a bunch of short sentences, so add something to imply that it keeps flowing together tater than just chopping off.

A simple comma or semi-colin is a very effective way of doing this, and it's something that I'd like to see applied throughout the poem.

amygabb wrote:You don’t touch me
But send a smile that
Folds itself around my heart 
And shrouds it from 
Its own vulnerabilities

Alright, so there isn't a lot that I'm going to say about this stanza. It's okay. I didn't mind the imagery, but it was a bit boring, and the idea of shrouding a heart in or from anything is a bit of a cliche. Once again, exploring word choice is probably your best bet for improvement as far as this one goes. 

It could also use a bit of expansion. Is this shrouding good or bad, does it offer a sense of security or fear? Nervousness? Give me a little emotion to work with, no?

amygabb wrote:Your assertions incise
My skin to reveal my heart
And you use my reveries against me 
But that smile buffers the blight

Alright, so this is by far my favorite stanza. The second line is my favorite in the entire poem, and after reading this, I can't help but feel that you were holding back while writing the rest of the piece. The imagery is clear, and it provokes emotion, as all poetic imagery should do. 

It's a nice wrap-up, but it makes me want even more than I previously had from the former stanzas. If you can do what you did here with the rest of your poem, I do believe you have quite the piece! 

amygabb wrote:And I’d like to think
You only hurt yourself

Okay, so this is a fairly strong last couple of lines, but I'm pretty sure that I've heard it in other places. It ties everything up, yes, but I was expecting a bit more, and to be honest, I can't place my finger on what it is. This could be because I have a migraine and I am struggling not to fall asleep, but oh well. I'm sure that you'll figure it out.

Keep writing,
~~Ish.