Celeste

O Celeste!
I could drown in those cerulean eyes.
Quam serenus! and filled with sparkling light.
Like fallen stars, they draw out heartfelt sighs,
As they blaze with brilliance in the night.

O sweet hyacinth!
You are ambrosia to a heavy heart.
Quam castus! that I would dare not defile.
Thou very sight makes my demons depart,
And that pure voice eases many a trial.

O golden sprite!
Your words and actions thaw my icy core.
Quam laetus! and overwhelmingly so.
Your moving cheer I can't but help adore,
Set alight, my own heart begins to flow.

(Quick translation of the Latin: Quam serenus: how serene? Quam castus: how pure? Quam laetus: how cheerful?)

Wow! I was impressed when I figured out you included Latin! Very cool. Anyway, here's what I thought:

O Celeste!
I could drown in those cerulean eyes.
Quam serenus! and filled with sparkling light.
Like fallen stars, they draw out heartfelt sighs,
As they blaze with brilliance in the night.

I think this is a great stanza. The only thing to make it better -cerulean eyes (great word by the way) implies sky blue and since you talk about the heavens later in the stanza I don't think that 'I could drown' works in that sentence. Maybe something like, I float when she looks with those cerulean eyes.

O sweet hyacinth!
You are ambrosia to a heavy heart.
Quam castus! that I would dare not defile.
Thou very sight makes my demons depart,
And that pure voice eases many a trial.

Just a fantastic stanza. No suggestions here.

O golden sprite!
Your words and actions thaw my icy core.
Quam laetus! and overwhelmingly so.
Your moving cheer I can't but help adore,
Set alight, my own heart begins to flow.
I wouldn't use cheer again in the fourth line because of the Latin. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by 'your moving cheer'.

I think this is a really solid piece.

Good luck and write always!

Hi there Arciade!

I'm Solly, here to comment cause I can't actually give you a review.

I can't believe this story has only one review and only one like! This is amazing! If one day I have to tell someone what beauty is, I'd show them this poem. It looks like poetry in Spanish, fearless poetry that expresses the heart out<333 And thanks you fro the translation.

This is amazing! You've done a lovely job! Keep writing!

~Solly<3

This is great! Its one of those poems that stands out because of its unique qualities. This poem will go far.
First of all, I love your structure. I love the simple rhyming scheme and it's one I use quite often. The out-standing line at the begginning of each stanza is also a very intelligent touch. The repetition of "Quam ......." Is perfect aswell. I love the use of Latin.

O Celeste!
I could drown in those cerulean eyes. Cerulean is a perfect word!
Quam serenus!And filled with sparkling light.
Like fallen stars, they draw out heartfelt sighs,
As they blaze with brilliance in the night. I love this line. The language and imagery is exquisite.

O sweet hyacinth!
You are ambrosia to a heavy heart.
Quam castus! That I would dare not defile.
Thou very sight makes my demons depart, The use of thou when you've used "your" for everything else is a bit out of place.
And that pure voice eases many a trial.

O golden sprite! Golden Sprite is fantastic!
Your words and actions thaw my icy core.
Quam laetus! And overwhelmingly so.
Your moving cheer I can't but help adore,
Set alight, my own heart begins to flow. Brilliant finish!

Also is this a fictional character or a real person? I'd love to know. And by the way, one of the best things about this poem is the name of the character- Celeste. I think it has beautiful connotations and is so uncommon that it really is the icing on the cake.

This is one of the best poems I have read on YWS so thank you for posting it. You are obviously are far better poet than me so I would love it if you could review some of my work. Please tell me if you post anymore poems. Thanks.
PollarBear.

amygabb wrote:Also, I'm not sure what you mean by 'your moving cheer'.

The meaning I was trying to get across was that the cheer that the subject of the poem possesses is so energetic and inspiring that it incites a similar feeling within me, thus moving my own heart. Perhaps I might need to revise the language in that line. :/

PollarBear14 wrote:Also is this a fictional character or a real person?

A real person. My emotions were ablaze while I was writing this poem. :3 I highly doubt my capability to produce anything like this about a fictional character. xD Also, you can probably guess, but Celeste isn't the real name of the person. I chose it for it's connotations and sound. I felt the need to frame the subject as a concrete personality in a way that would fit in smoothly with the rest of the language in the poem, and the name 'Celeste' worked brilliantly, I feel.

I see what you mean about my pronoun usage, very good point. Although, I have to say I can't agree with your revisions to my capitalization. That was somewhat intentional. The preceding exclamation mark is more emotional, rather than grammatical, if you catch my meaning. I read the line without it; the exclamation mark is just to indicate my surge of emotions. I don't intend it to break the line. That's why I've left the words uncapitalized. I hope you see my point. ^_^

Also, I'd love to put up some more of my writing, but I don't feel it's appropriate until I've reviewed a bit more. xD I'm somewhat prevented from doing so due to time-restraints and my NaNo novel right now, so I will be in a posting blaze come the end of November! I'll be sure to check out your works and give them my critique.

Thank you, amygabb, GeeLyria, and PollarBear14! Your words mean more to me than you can know.