Detachment

Persistence is the ultimate barrier
For the arguments of one's sacred law
To give you my own reflection
To show the immovable flaw
Protection of another's kisses
So father is in my cold eye
A sudden sprint into nothing
A realised waste of such time

This detachment
This detachment
This detachment

Mother I will give you permission
To continue your search for false love
You can proceed to let them touch you
You can proceed to dream of being fucked

This detachment
This detachment
This detachment

And if you could just stare at me forever
You'll notice a very monotonous trend
Never did we have a beginning
There is only truly the end

This detachment
This detachment
This detachment
This detachment
This detachment

Firstly, welcome back Aj . This is a really good poem. The flow of the poem is smooth and perfect. This is what I liked best about it. The theme, though dark is powerful. Its good, the idea of emotional detachment, which happens when the pain is too much to bear. I look forward to more of your work. Cheers!

i find dark themes really remarkable, and your work fit that category perfectly:D so i won't be able to find any fault in it. i am mesmerized by the way you wrote it. your flow was completely uninteruppted and the whole idea was magical (well in the dark sorta way i guess)!

Hello.

I really am not a poet and am much less a poetry reviewer, but since I offered and you asked, here I am. I'll try and make myself useful.

Let's start at a very technical level and talk about your punctuation and capitalization. Let's see: you don't have any punctuation and you capitalize the beginning of every line. As for the capitalization, it's not really my kind of aesthetic, but whatever--if it floats your boat then it's fine. But the punctuation? I'm not really sure what you're going for by not having any, but I don't think it works because it just comes off as one big run-on of words and phrases, and I don't really get an idea of how they work together on a whole. I think actually that the two issues (no punctuation and capitalizing the beginning of each line) play against each other to make an awkward sort of contrast between cohesion and compartmentalization. You're sending contradicting signals.

Maybe this is the point? Maybe you're trying to portray "detachment" through this confusion? Maybe. In all honesty, I don't think I know enough about what you were trying to evoke with this poem for me to say. It's very possible that I don't have enough experience to be able to read this type of poem--but in any case, I can tell you that the feeling I got after reading this poem was not one of satisfaction.

I feel like I skimmed the surface of your poem and when I tried to get through to see what was inside, I couldn't find anything there. Wither I couldn't see what was there, or there was nothing there at all. I can't tell.

If that's what you're going for, then great. Maybe you wanted to write something that would "detach" the reader from the words and the words from their meanings. That's perfectly valid, and if that's what you're going for then you've done a good job.

But otherwise, maybe try thinking about this: your poem feels somewhat sprawling and unfocused. You throw images around but it's hard for me to understand how all the little images work together to make something bigger. I've tried my hand at poetry a few times, and this exact thing has always been a big struggle for me. I would suggest picking one or two of themes you have going on here, and really focusing on that. It would give more depth to the poem, and more sense of accomplishment for the reader after reading this.

I hope this helps. I'm sorry if it comes off as harsh--just remember that chances are I have no idea what I'm talking about.

a

Ajt!

Clearly, you've been through some hardship or struggle and with the stressed out usage of words and the raw emotion of this poem, it's plainly visible. The imagery and description of this is quite powerful and despite being somewhat of a negative tone, manages to pull off the seriousness of the situation that the persona is trying to describe.

The subtle hints of rhyme along the poem give it a good flow and don't seem forced. The frankness of the language and the words give that personal feel to it. The story about the 'detachment' of the persona to his/her parents and the clear animosity held for them can be clearly seen through the lines. The anguish of it all makes me sympathize for the persona.

However, for me, there were only 3 stanzas that really stood out from the entirety of the poem (the first, third and fifth). The other three stanzas for me, felt like they were just fillers trying to occupy space to provide for length. Reading 'The detachment' over and over again in the stanzas is quite monotonous. This steals whatever appeal the poem already has and leaves me bored. Maybe emphasizing on the detachment a little more in the stanzas instead of just repeating the word would definitely give it more depth. Even if those stanzas were omitted, the poem would do just fine with the rest of the 3 stanzas. But if you still think that you would like to stick with them, then by all means, so be it since only you know how you would like the poem to sound. Jus' saying

I don't like changing others' poems or correcting them because it is an original creation from them and only they should truly judge the 'correctness' of it. But I say this to everyone - Read through the poem again and again and find place where you can alter/correct. That way you can make it better than it already is. And practice, practice, practice!

All-in-all, I greatly enjoyed this read and it really allowed to catch on to the emotions emitted. Great job and keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Great poem! The emotion his carved in extremely well to the point wear I have never felt this way but can now understand a little more. The flow was wonderful. Keep writing and I will gladly keep reading.

Man, I loved this!