(Mr K is the head master)
(Miss S is the Hockey team trainer -more on that coming soon-)
DETENTION WITH MISS E
(Miss E runs ten minutes late into the classroom, gasping for breath. Church has a radio turned on full blast; Zach, Kayleigh and Camilla are playing on the computers at the back, and the rest of the class are drawing rude gestures on the board)
Miss E: NOOOOOO! THOUST CLASS IST DESTROYING MY ONLY WEAPON AND METHOD OF REVENGE – THE WHITEBOARD!
Cameron: Hey, Miss E, this one’s for you!
(draws fingers on the board. Miss E applauds)
Miss E: Thoust is an excellent drawer, Cameron – thy shalt receive a tick on the whiteboard – that is, you would if there was any space.
Zach: (from the back) What a shame, I’ll have to draw it on the computer screen instead. (seizes permanent marker and draws a gigantic tick across the screen)
Miss E: NOOOO! That computer has all my dark and deadly secrets on it!
Zach: Cool miss, where are they?
Miss E: My Computer, drive C, file no. 23. NOOO, DO NOT LOOK ON IT!
(Leaps wildly across the room and grabs Zach’s bright red hair and drags him back)
Racheal: NO PHYSICAL CONTACT! It’s one of your own rules!
(Points to the sheet stuck on to the wall. Miss E screams)
Miss E: I CANNOT AVENGE THE BREAKAGE OF MY OWN RULES! THEREFORE IF I CANNOT AVENGE, I WILL TAKE REVENGE! DETENTION!
Class: You can't do that miss. You’ll waste our freedom opportunities!
Miss E: (straightening wig angrily) I do not care for freedom, I only care for learning! You shalt ALL come back Monday Lunchtime!
Racheal, Ellie and Sophie: But we’ve got hockey!
(Miss S barges into the room and Judo-kicks Miss E to the floor)
Miss S: Hoy-YA! You shall not waste hockey opportunities!
Racheal: (to Sophie) That’s the first time she’s ever stuck up for us. In fact she’s usually the one mowing us down. (To MISS S) I thought your style was to beat people up with hockey sticks.
Miss S: Oh gosh, sorry, I forgot.
THWACK!
Miss E: OWWWCH! You stupid hockey-person. NO PHYSICAL CONTACT!
Miss S: It’s not physical, it’s Hockeystickographical.
Miss E: Look, can you get out of my lesson?
(Racheal slaps Miss S over the head, something she has been yearning to do for ages)
Miss S: THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING! WE MUST TELL THE PRESIDENT! (Dashes out of the room, Miss E sighs)
Miss E: Oh all right, Tuesday.
Tuesday lunchtime…
Class: Can't we go now Miss E?
Miss E: But we’re having such fun.
Zach: (from the back) Yeah we are!
(Everyone looks at him. Zach is surfing the net, looking at skiing club subscriptions in Austria. Class and Miss E watches in awe)
Zach: (muttering to himself) Name: Miss E. Age…hmm, dunno, about the age of an average pine tree. Four hundred years. (Types it in) Skiing experience…(turns to class) Have you skied before, Miss E?
Miss E: What is thoust skiing?
Zach: (muttering to himself again as he types) What…is…thoust…skiing. Habitat? Er… what animal is she…alien. My science teacher didn’t exactly mention that as a specific group, but maybe he missed it out. So Miss E must live on Pluto.
Racheal: Boy, Miss, you sure commute a long way to work.
Zach: (muttering to himself) Pluto. Subscription price, £220 a year. OK with you, Miss E?
Miss E: NO, Zach, I don’t want thy random skiing sub! (Lunges across the classroom again but Zach has already clicked ‘Send’.)
Zach: Your first lesson is tomorrow, all right?
Miss E: ZACH, you shalt have an after-school.
Kieran: But you won’t be here, miss, you’ll be breaking your legs in Austria.
Miss E: Thoust shall have a tick, Kieran!. NOOO! Whiteboard opportunities are being missed! I cannot tick!
Zach: But I can! (Pulls rifle out of school bag and BANG shoots a tick shape on the Smartboard)
Miss E: Now thou art wasting Smart opportunities, Zach Thomas! That board cost over ten thou-sand pounds!
Kieran: (Cunningly) but if you don’t go tomorrow you’ll be wasting skiing opportunities.
Miss E: Another tick please Zach.
(Zach shoots tick shapes in desks)
Miss E: A tick for thee. (another tick is shot on the desks to the amusement of the class. Bell rings. Class storms out past Mr K, who is looking thunderstruck)
Mr K: I EXPECTED BETTER OF YOU, E, THOU IST HEREBY FIRED!
Miss E: But it wasn’t me, it was Zach!
Mr K: Don’t compound your crime by lying.
Miss E: Sorry, Kev, I hast to catch thy noble plane to Austria.
(Runs past K and sprints as fast as her ugly long skirt will allow her)
Mr K: I shall be sending the fashion police after you!
Miss E: (from her car) I DON’T CARE SO LONG AS I CAN KEEP MY LEARNING OPPORTUNITIES!
Mr K: But you can't because you’re fired!
Miss E: (as she speeds away) You shan’t catch the great EEEEEEEEE any more than our troops can catch Saddam Hussain!
Mr K: (roaring with anger) But they did catch him!
Miss E: Dang, you got me there. Ah well, off to thy noble Austria I shalt speed at thy noble speed of thy zillion miles per hour!
(backs out car and crashes into lamppost)
Miss E: Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep beep beeeeeeeep! BEEEEEEEEEEP my not so noble brake lights have beeping smashed. THOU SHALL NOT STOP THE MISS E! (cackles madly)
(Leaps out of car and sprints down the road. The last time she was sighted she was swimming across the Pacific Ocean – in entirely the wrong direction – with the complete fashion police and fifty-nine asylum workers swimming after her)
Fashion Chief: We must catch that old Miss E in her ugly skirt.
Asylum guy: I dealt with her before, but she got away.
Fashion Chief: Oh? What happened?
Asylum guy: (trying to shrug as he swam and swallowing a mouthful of seaweed) We gave her therapy, but it just seemed to make her more hyper. She has a disease, you know, a rare one, in fact she seems to be the only one ever to have had it. It’s called HyperMissEwhosevoiceisstilloneoflivinginShakespeare’stimesogiveupon7LH.
Fashion Chief: I was afraid of that.
a little wierd, but still good. But whats with the crazy teachers? is this some weird messed up school? Oh never mind, I have to addmit it was funny. funny in a stupid weird I cant bieleave this is for real kind of way. But still funny. Keep writing my crazy story writer! we need more abstract stuff in this world! 
