Becoming Waves

Shimmering waters of
turquoise tranquility
are suddenly broken
by pasty white skin
and mousy brown hair.

I'm encompassed,
devoured by the cool,
sinking in cheer,
finally home.

There is no pain,
no cutting looks in the
hallway, slicing me up.

There is no stress,
no Ivy League dreams,
weighing heavily
upon my shoulders.

I am a dancer,
in the azure waves
of time and space.

I am a bird,
soaring through skies
of cool indigo treasure.

I become the waves
and forget the land,
my feet planted
firmly off the ground.

I really enjoyed the poem and i am very exited to be the first one to review your work!!!!! I love the poem and i think that you are a very talented writer!!! Keep it up!!!:)

Hello, there, hon. Here to review. ^^

First stanza - I'm not sure how I like the opening. It's so full of description that the sentence under it all is basically "The tranquil waters are broken by skin and hair" and all, and that's what the reader picks up even when they're reading all those adjectives. Yes, the right adjectives at the right places can improve poetry, but it's like you just peppered them throughout and waited for one or two of them to be right. I like "Shimmering waters", but "turquoise tranquillity" does nothing for the image in my head. Also, it feels like you depend on the "ee" sound from the Y to carry you through the stanza, and that doesn't really work. This is probably just me, but I would say cut down - turquoise gives me an image; tranquillity doesn't. "Suddenly" feels out of place to me. Personal preference, yes, but it's not a good start to a poem.

Second stanza - and now you rely on commas to carry through the stanza. This is a case of comma overload, I would say. The first few are okay, but before "finally home" the reader - me as the reader - stops and says "now isn't this enough?" I would suggest separating "finally home" from the phrases in a different way, by full stop or the like.

Third stanza - I think this is the first stanza I like, but it's totally out of context with the shimmering waters and the coolness that I have to stop and say "the hallway?" So far, you've set up a wonderful vision and setting, and then we're jolted back to the world. It could be a little smoother, though I can't think how at the moment.

Fourth stanza - Okay. One nitpick here. No comma after "dreams". And maybe one more: could you make "No Ivy League dreams" into a different sentence in the stanza? "There is no stress;/no Ivy League dreams/weigh heavily/upon my shoulders." I mean, do whatever you want, but I think that would make more sense... though if I've got you totally wrong, feel free to PM me or something.

Fifth stanza - I'm going to be nitpicky again when I say no comma after "dancer", unless you're going to add another noun after the comma. "I am a dancer,/a ballerina" etc. Because otherwise, that comma is distracting. Also, here you return to the water imagery when you've been all realistic for the last couple of stanzas, and that leaves the reader a little lost.

Sixth stanza - see, here you use the comma correctly. But you change to bird imagery instead of water imagery, and it makes me imagine a duck or something instead of a graceful little thing like you were probably envisioning.

Seventh stanza - I like the end, but you go back again to the water imagery. I know I'm not the best person to say this, but a metaphor or whatever ought to stay the same throughout the poem; I understand that the bird and realism may have been a sudden strike of inspiration, but it makes the whole thing seem a little... schizophrenic, I think. You keep jumping back and forth, and it confuses the reader.

Overall, I like the poem, but it's not a favourite. I think it could use some kind of consistency - change the imagery from just waves, mention shells, mention sand, mention coral reefs or fish or something, they're all wonderful water imagery, other than "waves" and "turquoise". Even if you're envisioning a lake, there's uniqueness in the lake! Mention looming mountains or whatever. This poem feels like it's missing something.