Past, Reputation, Love - Chapter 1

LOOK AT THE SPOILER BEFORE READING!

Spoiler

Hi guys Well this is a new novel and it's going to be pretty short. But not as short as an short story. Rambling aside I really need constructive criticism on everything! Especially on my past and present tense, it's all over the place! OK so basically this story is about 4 friends that are the popular group but each of them have their own struggles but are all scared to face reality and throughout this book find themselves, fall in love and learn to love yourself.This is told in the perspective of all of them. So if their name is at the start of the chapter, that chapters told in their perspective I also need title suggestions!! Please help me Thank you all, love you<3

Mia Freeman

He ran his fingers through my silky long blond hair and repeatedly whispered ‘I love you’, as if he said it enough times, he could convince himself that this relationship is real. Our eyes briefly met, his eyes tried to search for that ‘feeling of connection’ that everyone is going on about, so we wouldn’t be the clichéd popular couple that just date for the sake of it. His pupils tried to rapidly pierce into my heart. Maybe I should stop lying to myself just to please others, or I should just take the easy way out and pretend that my life is a fairytale story. I’m in the arms of the quarterback, I’m popular, smart and practically destined to being crowned prom queen, because that’s all that matter in life to a 18 year old girl right?

It’s funny how a person lack of disinterest even on the littlest things can have a drastic impact on the person receiving the blow. When my boyfriend says something, I’m not even listening half the time, I know he gets hurt by it. His eyebrow crease together and his eyes, his deep blue eyes reveal all the pain inside, but I just can’t act on my feelings. I was a little kid when my parents kept fighting and got divorced, I realised that the person who cares less about the relationship is leading the other one. Just look at my parents, my dad cheated on my mum numerous of times and who got hurt the most out of it? My mum. My dad didn’t even care he just walked out gracefully out the door, out of my life, just like that. While my mum went to 5 different counselors and took anti-depressants for a year. She still has that vacant look in her eyes, her body still goes stiff when we express a sign of love towards her and now she has shifted to a slightly darker pessimistic personality. The past is what shapes us into the person we are now.

I am also cautious in baring my soul to Jag because it’s all for the show. When we are alone together he’s just so cold to me, barely says two words, no pain nor happiness. But when we near people we know or just going out, he suddenly becomes this soft and loving person. He gets hurt at the slightest things and his eyes go wide and innocent. The personality shift is dramatic. I’m assuming that he doesn't want to look like a jerk by treating as bad as he does privately, and girls love a nice and caring guy don’t they? My theory looked promising when, as we walked slowly toward our group that was all sitting in the quiet part of the field, he 'shyly' reached for my hand and enclosed it in his. It was all for the show. As usual I went along with it, because fantasy is better than facing reality.

We were greeted as always, Jag gets into a mock punch up fight with the guys, of course all part of the football team and I calmly sit down with the girls and discuss the latest gossip. Plastering a fake smile on my face is a daily habit and I do it so much that now it feels real to me. But when I actually rarely reflect on my emotions inside while I’m smiling it’s not happiness, it’s longing, longing to be happy.

The group consists of Jag, , Tyler, Rose and me, we have friends on the side but this was our main circle of friends. We were the main group of the school, the girls would suck up to us and the guys would act tough, just to be considered our friends. Behind the white teeth and make up, I believe each of us has a story to be told, a deeper side to ourselves that we have yet to reveal to each other and more importantly, ourselves.

Spoiler

I feel as if there is a lot missing in this first chapter, please help me

I can see, like you said, your problem with tenses. You have to decide if you want to write it in past or present tense, because I don't know which one to edit to. PM me with an answer and I'll take another look at it.

I do agree with the tenses, but I'm sure crescent can help you with that and already offered.

The big problem I find with your story so far is the kinda cliche-ness to it. It seems like the classic high school television show and just seems unrealistic to me. I am in high school right now, and I believe you should be too, and it really isn't like that. It seems almost fictitious to me. I like the idea of the people learning to know themselves and growing up and that concept because I personally love character growth. I just think you need to make it different somehow, make some kind of twist to the idea, and well make it your own. I'm sure you can do that.

Now that's the only real comment I'm going to make on your plot so far, because I don't have much to work with. I am going to talk about your voice and writing format.

First off, I want you to look at your work and well mainly notice how it is like giant text blocks and a lot of information. What I want you to work on is making it more exciting and creating a hook for the beginning of your novel. You see, hooks are one of the most important things in a novel for it is what keeps the reader reading. If you have a good hook, then your reader will get into the story right away and continue to the end, for the hook basically just creates questions.

Generally, the hook is the first three paragraphs of a novel and the first three sentences of a short story, and basically all it really is is describing something that peaks the readers curiosity. You have a good basis for it, that is for certain, because the first paragraph made the reader kind of feel the detachment and secularism. Though what I would usually recommend doing for a hook is to start out with actual actions and dialogue, for inner thoughts can get dull and can get overbearing. I would actually recommend instead of just telling all of this, by showing.

You probably have heard that before. Most of us have. You need to describe the actions and display the feelings and emotions through them, and not by simply telling them. You need to add breaks to thoughts and make the actions more obvious and not blended in so thoroughly with the story.

When my boyfriend says something, I’m not even listening half the time, I know he gets hurt by it. His eyebrow crease together and his eyes, his deep blue eyes reveal all the pain inside, but I just can’t act on my feelings.

Like this for example. Instead of just stating it, make it happen, then add somewhere that it happens all the time. It would make the readers also get a better understanding of Mia for they would actually see these things happen and get a taste of how she acts and who she is. By just having lots of inner thoughts, you have a strong voice, but then again it gets lost with it all. Maybe when you explain about her mom, rather than just tell, show the oddity of it, the depression and solemnity.

Next, I want to establish Mia's characterization for that is very important to a story like yours. From what I can tell, she is sardonic and very cynical because of the happenings with her parents. But that is the only evident part in your story. Her cynicism shows her unhappiness and shows she likes to fool herself. What I would do is add dialogue and actions that showcase her as a total different person, and show how she knows this is not who she is. It would be a lot more impacting then just stating it because then the reader will be able to get a taste of it for themselves.

A problem with stories like this is that writers tend to lose the individual characterization of everyone. What I would recommend is making character profiles of them, and make sure they are all individuals. By doing that, your character based story will be outstanding.

I am interested, and will read the next chapter when it is up. Keep up the good work.