Crimson Heroes: The Silver Hero- Chapter 2

Chapter 2
I woke up the next morning with sunlight flooding my room.
I went out into the kitchen and saw that my mom was already up making eggs for us. “Good morning, Drake,” she said with a smile. I couldn’t help but notice that she looked uneasy this morning. “Morning,” I responded.
She set a plate of eggs in front of my seat at the table. I sat down and started chowing down on the eggs. Mom always made the best eggs.
She sat down on the other side of the table and began eating her own portion of eggs.
“So,” I began casually. “Who was that guy last night?” She looked surprised at what I said.
“Uh…” she said. “That’s Hal, one of the main guards for King Lucius.”
I couldn’t help but ask, “Is he my father?”
Mom shook her head. “No, he’s just a guard.”
“Why was he here?”
“He was… trying to recruit you.”
I got hopeful. What I thought was real. I was going to be someone finally!
“What was he recruiting me for?” I asked.
“Listen, Drake. You don’t have to do it. I know that you don’t really want to.”
Don’t really want to? Does she know me at all?
“Yeah I do! I want to be a knight! What was he trying to recruit me for? Was it to be a Sky Breaker?”
She stared at her food for a moment. “Maybe you should talk to him; he lives in house twelve by the castle gate.” She almost looked sad. I wondered if she didn’t want me to become a knight. I didn’t want to let her down, but at the same time I didn’t want to give up this opportunity.
“Thanks,” was all I could say. Then I was out of the door.

I looked at my map over and over but I couldn’t find the twelfth house. In fact, the map actually skipped house twelve. So it was useless.
Sigh.
I tucked it away and proceeded to search by eye. The calm town always seemed to give me some sense of security inside me. I didn't know whether it was the birds chirping, or the trees swaying back in forth that gave me a feeling of ease. I sighed again. These were the moments I cherished.
I found house eleven and thirteen, but in between there was no house twelve. I searched all around the houses for some clue of a twelfth house. Then I found a trap door behind a large tree in between the two cottages.
On it, painted in white, were two big numbers that I could easily discern as one and two. Twelve.
I opened it with the small handle on the edge.
Inside I saw stairs leading down to darkness. I shrugged my shoulders and took the first step downward.
Each step seemed to take longer and make me weaker. I felt like the air had been sucked out of me. I had never been this deep before. And what’s worse is the stairs just seemed to drag on and on.
Finally I saw some source of light further down. It looked like a lamp hanging on the ceiling. Behind the lamp was a door with gleam coming from it. On the door the number twelve was painted in small white numbers.
I knocked on the door and I felt how hard and cold it was. It was like metal, but it looked like wood. It was dark, so I guess I couldn’t really tell.
Then the door swung open and I saw a familiar man. He was tall and pretty muscular and he had a beard starting to grow in. “What can I do for you, mister..." He looked me over a little better. "Drake? Drake, is that you?
“Yes, sir,” I answered confidently. “I’m Drake Bone.”
“Good. Come on in, Drake.”
Inside was a bit intimidating. There was a lot of darkness and cold walls surrounding me. Hal gestured toward the couch in the middle of the room.
I sat down and he started to speak. “Okay, Drake. Did your mom tell you that I came over last night?”
She didn’t really tell me—I told her—but I guess I could say that. “Yes.”
“Then do you know why you’re here now?”
“You were recruiting me for something?” I asked. “I just wanted to know what, sir.”
“Indeed,” he said with a grin. “You look like a capable sort for what I want you for. Not too much muscle to weigh you down, but not too little so you are a weakling. A bit tan, so you can easily blend in with your surroundings, that is a good thing." I didn't see how being tan could let me blend in with my surroundings, but okay.
All of the adjectives Hal had described had nothing to do with the five knights. I had no idea what he was getting at.
"I shall let you in on the details later, but for the time being there is a place we must be, care to join me, Drake?” before he finished he was already out of the door I just walked in. I followed him.
For once I wished someone could just tell me what was going on.

Hi there,

So, now I'm hooked to the story. Because I couldn't stay away from the 2nd chapter even though I reviewed the 1st chapter only hours ago

Okay, on with the review.

Mistakes

I woke up the next morning when sun-light flood my room.

"sunlight" and it should be "flooded"

I was going to be something finally!

We are talking about a person, so it should be "someone"

I tucked it away. I had to search by eye.

Connect these two sentences, and write something like, "I tucked it away and proceeded to search by eye" It makes the story flow more smoothly.

On it were painted in white two big numbers I could easily piece together as one and two.

Correct this sentence as "On it, painted in white, were two big numbers that I could easily discern as one and two"

In front of the lamp was a door with light coming from it.

I believe you meant, behind the lamp, because you won't be seeing the lamp if the door was in front of it.

Plot

Hmm, not much of a plot development from chapter 1 is it? Nonetheless, there is some progress. But I'd recommend lengthening the chapters so that you get to include a lot more of story. The overall plot is good thought. But I do hope you intend to add more characters so that we won't always be following the same character.

Descriptions

Descriptive sentences should be added wherever possible to let the reader know what you are imagining and to let the reader imagine the exact scene where the character is. It let's them see the environment through the character's eyes, feel what the character is feeling and hear the imaginary world you created. That's what description is for. Giving life to the lifeless world. It's one of the most important facts to remember when writing a story.

For example,

“Thanks,” was all I could say. Then I was out of the door.

I looked at my map over and over but I couldn’t find the twelfth house. In fact, the map actually skipped house twelve. So it was useless.
Sigh.
I tucked it away. I had to search by eye.

There's a huge amount of description you can add in between to make it realistic. You could describe the environment he's in, the time of day, the road he took, even the weather. It all adds to the realism of the story.

Character development

I'm still following a faceless character. You are developing his personality well enough but the 1st few chapters are the best times to include physical descriptions about the characters. You described Hal well, although it was rather direct. So, why not slide in a few key characteristics of the main character so that we know what he looks like.

Overall

The chapter was pretty small, but it added it's essence to the plot and I'm glad about that.

Side note

The next time you read a book, pay attention to the descriptions, not the story. See how the authors are so subtle and sneaky in adding descriptions that create those wonderful images in our mind. You can learn a thing or two by doing that.

Good luck, I hope to read the next chapters as well

-C-

Thanks these things really help me, and I guess I was so anxious about the story that I forgot about all the descriptions, I'll try to work on that. By the way there are more characters being entered into the story pretty soon, it's important to the story that he's alone in the beginning, because it later turns into empathy towards another character. Not to ruin the plot or anything. But anyway I'll try and fix these things you mentioned so thanks for letting me know.

Hey, no problem. I'm glad I had helped.

By the way, I didn't read your comment until I started reviewing the 7th chapter, so If had repeated things about character descriptions and what-not in the other chapters, please forgive me. Because I didn't see that you've edited the facts about the character.

But I did find another mistake you made after editing,

A bit tan, so you can easily blend with your surroundings,

It should be, "blend in with your surroundings"

and also, I got confused by this sentence,

All of these adjectives seemed to explain none of the knights that were available.

It seems like you are trying to say that none of the knights even came close to the description Hal gave. If that is what you are trying to say, then change the wording to something like,

"None of the adjectives, Hal mentioned, even came close to describing the knights that were available."

Alright, that's about it. And the descriptions you gave were good. Well done on that.

Good luck

- C -

Oh hey. Just stumbled upon this story, but ahhh in the last chapter you said they hadn't seen a animal in along time and that there wasn't any meat left... Well if that's true, where do they get their eggs, milk, cheese, etc? Because eggs come from chickens and since there are no chickens....?

Sorry just had to make a comment about that, it really brought me out of the story. Otherwise it's fantastic.

Kthanxbai

It meant that he and his mom were too poor too afford meat, not that he hadn't seen any. Sorry I could see how that can be confusing.