Revel.

The incessant rumble of a slaughter house,
The sweetest hum,
The sight of a fire at long last,
And the burning desires they arouse.

"Please", she begged.
So weak and desperate.
So distorted, yet beautiful,
The pieces of her flesh I shred.

Tumbling beneath the canopy tonight,
With the poison in my veins I can't fight,
I see a new shade of dark,
A new form of evil and might.

I savored my prey,
Every inch of hers.
Then I carved her,
Into the shape of my curse.
It added to the void, made it deeper.
And her,
Weaker.

I reach the moonlight,
I breathe it in, dissolving away my shame.
The lonely shadow it cast beside me,
Does the same.

I send a howl,
It penetrates the fog.
Then it reaches my ears to become a moan;
A moan escaping the breath of a wounded dog.

Oooohhhhh, creepy!! But so good!
There are no grammar mistakes I could spot, here is the bit I really liked:

Then I carved her,
Into the shape of my curse.

The 'shape of the curse' is a very good choice of words.
I also liked how you saved all the scary bits in italics, it creates a nice effect.

dissolving away

The 'dissolving' seems a bit out of place, and it makes the overall beat longer. May I suggest wash away, vanish, melt away?
But other than that, I really liked this.
Keep going:)
polly xx

Dankie.

Jensen Acke ahwt? Now my Waht's even messed up.

samumph wrote:The incessant rumble of a slaughter house,I don feel the rumble sounding in here as the right term
The sweetest hum,
The sight of a fire at long last,
And the burning desires they arouse.i thought it wouldn't rhyme, oddly did

"Please", she begged.
So weak and desperate.
So distorted, yet beautiful,
The pieces of her flesh I shred.I'd like to know why this is in italics.

Tumbling beneath the canopy tonight,Tumbling- canopy? hmm...*thinking* Maybe your work's for ppl who know vocab
With the poison in my veins I can't fight,
I see a new shade of dark,
A new form of evil and might.

I savored my prey,
Every inch of hers.
Then I carved her,
Into the shape of my curse.
It added to the void, made it deeper.[i]This void id within you? Not clear to understand.
And her,
Weaker.[/i]

I reach the moonlight,reached I guess, since the last para was past tense
I breathe it in, dissolving away my shame.away feels redundant
The lonely shadow it cast beside me,
Does the same.ah! cool!

I send a howl,
It penetrates the fog.
Then it reaches my ears to become a moan;
A moan escaping the breath of a wounded dog.

I didn't quite get the end- but I'm guessing your a were wolf here. And I have TRIED to be as rythless to ur poem as u were to ur victim, hahah- I still like the professional style you have to your work, but still sound genuine and natural.

This is amaaaaheeeyyzzzinngggg

Over all I thought it was decent. I liked the contrast of the italicized bits that helped add to the narrative nature of the piece. I did not like, however the rhyme scheme, to me it lacked regularity and rhythm that good rhyming needs. But the narrative worked really well, and I loved how dark the story was. That part gave me chills.
Thers[user][/user]