lady sings the blues

diary,

this rose smells of a morgue, of a hymn book
open on a torn page. our garden fluxes with lyrics,
each splash of carmine a reminder of how angry I pretend to be.
but she’s a tease.

out by the bird bath, beneath the weeping willow
is an ocean of violets from that very first year.
the kisses, the touches—it’s all there, all down to
not-a-mother Mary on delivery day when she
walked home and left me with the car.
and beneath those violets is every amorphous
photograph of her darling angel.

and the orchids by the bedroom window
are all click-and-print snapshots of 1998;
that’s when the doctor turned honest and gave her
a purple pamphlet on adoption.

the neighbors think I hate her, think
that she cries for bruises beneath her ribcage.
the police drive by every day when I get home,
and she watches me watch them, both of us
so deep in our own anxiety that we forget we’re alive.
but I hate her and those tears of hers. every day
at eight a.m. she’ll sit alone on the park bench and
sing up another patch of daisies and play childish games.

today I loved her.

Spoiler

Posted way back in February under the prompt attack thread, but I wanted to get reviews and actually construct it.

Lumiee-Lu!

I still haven't found my reviewing-spirit but I'll give you my opinion on this anyhows xD

First and foremost I noticed the absence of capitals - bit annoying. But part from that there were no significant grammatic errors what I could see. As for the structure, personally I find it difficult to read when sentences end and begin in the middle of a line but that's just me I guess.

I loooved the content though, it was very neatly told with great imagery and choice of words. The second stanza was espacially colourful and beautifully written.

It was really cool how at first it was bit confusing and hard to understand what the poem was about but how when nearing the end it all made sense.

I also like how there is alot of emotion in this piece without really revealing too much, it's mostly just random description of things and events yet there are loads of emotions displayed in these stanzas.

Finally - The ending was simple but I loved it and how it was tied together with the first line in the stanza above.

So I guess this is mainly "This I liked" and "This I didn't like" but I hope I could be of some help at least!!

Oh, grades! I give this... 4/5 icky, sticky spiders served on a silverplate!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I realize this is old but, yes, this is fantastic. Beyond it. This is what I was talking about!

Alright so I'm not going to do the whole 'I'm insane' thing and ramble for a good week or two on why I think so. Merely, I'm going to try and be critical and not simply write a lot of <3's and '8D' faces. Deal? Deal.

Now, I'm going to start off with the critical because if I don't, I'll simply end up burning myself out on good things, which will not benefit anyone. So, critical. The big thing about this poem that might be seen as undesirable would be the fact that we are getting a lot of different images and ideologies being thrown around. An eclectic mix of ups and downs, which is sure I'm what you were trying to achieve, yet at the same time we get almost swamped out by them.

In fact, the big one for me was when you went into the bit about the police driving by. It almost felt unnecessary, yet at the same time I can understand why it was put there. Merely, it gets a bit jostled and hard to keep up with.

Next, I would like to note on this;

but I love her and those tears of hers. every day
at eight a.m. she’ll sit alone on the park bench and
sing up another patch of daisies and play childish games.

today I loved her.

Now that last line is quite the strong line to end this off, and I particularly like it next to the rest of the poem. The problem being, though, is that you state the part of 'I love her and those tears of hers' which almost detracts from the power of that last line. It takes away from the bitter, harshness of 'loved' and sort of mellows it down. Makes it seem like today, like everyday, I loved her rather than simply 'today I loved her'.

And that would be it for pointing out errors unfortunately. You'll have to go to someone with a bit of a stronger eye than myself if you want more dug up from this.

That being said, this would be my section for praise.

First and foremost, I congratulate you on leaving capitalization behind on this one. Except on the I's. I find that rather peculiar but it a good way, of course. Merely, this poem is very much surrounded by sensations and the emotional tie rather than whats actually happening, yes? Its why the idea is so eclectic and kind of back and forth. Not your usual 'blatant' stuff, which brings me to my next point.

This has some of the most profound lines. Like;

each splash of carmine a reminder of how angry I pretend to be.

and,

every day
at eight a.m. she’ll sit alone on the park bench and
sing up another patch of daisies and play childish games.

With lines like these, we get a sense of not only the mood and the emotion of this piece, but also the folly and the childishness, or the differences between the two people in mention. Its very subtle and rich in that sense, connecting and flowing into itself rather than being brutally upfront, which is definitely interesting to read and interesting to digest. One needs to take a bit more time for this poem.

So yes, this is good. In fact, its very good. I'm not being a big help, I understand. Sorry about that! Maybe I'll come back and see what I can add.

~Walker

I see, now, why people use the line-by-line style of reviewing. It's so much easier. -_- But I hate line-by-line, so...here goes. (I feel woefully inadequate.)

The beginning gave me pause, though not in a bad way. After all, works that start out this way are normally written in journalistic style. It's different, and I think I like it.

I don't understand why the torn page of a hymnbook would smell like rose petals, but at the same time I can understand it, because books have smell. Well, obviously. *flails for words*

our garden fluxes with lyrics,

AD;KFJA;DJ I LOVE YOU.
*cough* I just needed to say that.


I don't understand the last line of the first stanza. How is she a tease? To me, a tease is someone who reveals themself--by flirting, by the clothes they wear, etc--and then denies the person who tries to make good on that casual invitation. Or... BRAIN. STOP. I am not going into aspects of flirting right now.
Even though I'm used to non-capitalized poetry, I paused again at the lack of capitalization at the beginning of this same sentence. I guess it's because it's further emphasized by the fact that it's on its own line--I didn't even notice it in the sentence before. (I should probably have quoted this line, but I already have a paragraph here. So.)


It took me a while to transition between "oh, this is a love story" to "her baby died!" because it happened so quickly.
I liked the bit about the pictures--it was an interesting.... I want to say tidbit, but tidbit just seems so wrong for describing this poem. Tidbit is a cheerful word! So.... I'll go with detail. *nods* It was a very interesting detail.

and the orchids by the bedroom window
are all click-and-print snapshots of 1998;
that’s when the doctor turned honest and gave her
a purple pamphlet on adoption.

(I was 7, that year.)
I think you mean that the orchids contain memories of that year--as in, the protagonist looks at them, and they bring pictures to mind--and not that there are many photographs hung by the window. (It may seem obvious, but hey, someone might think that...)
And I didn't understand on the first, second, third readings. I thought she was finding out that she was adopted. Then it finally hit me, and I teared up. The whole thing came together. (This is the sort of poetry I have to read at least three times before it makes sense to me.)


The last stanza is just d'aww, in a sadly sweet way. The part about him loving her tears, though.... it seems almost sadistic. Not sadistic.... youknowwhatimean. *hides* (If you don't , this is a good thing.) My impression is that he loves her tears because she feels so deeply for the child they could have had, and because he can't help loving her, no matter what she does.

The last line is wonderful. I completely agree and disagree with Walker, and I don't have as much of an explanation for it. It's just... she already explained why it wouldn't work, but it's still a very powerful, beautiful line.


Oh, and one last thing--



SMILE.

Lumi,

two features, you fancy huh?

I enjoyed this more then your other featured, in fact this is probably a favourite of yours. It's personable and quirky without highlighting that over and over until we can't see past it. Your imagery is not quite at the standard it needs to be at to support this poem with stable feet, but it's got a deep sense of presence that's kept a little neater then I usually see from you.

Your opening stanza is awful. Just awful, it's one of those things I like to think of as warm up stanzas. The ones you need to swing into something good, the ones you use as a starting foothold even if it's nowhere near where you need it to be. It's hard to do without an opening stanza to get your momentum from, but you have to construct it well enough that the transition is smooth enough for us as the readers to not be thrown off by the sudden change in quality and voice etc. Because then we find ourselves in the mist of you finding your pace but we haven't been brought along for the ride which makes it more difficult to appreciate a poem we haven't been properly introduced to.

You don't want your poem to be that one guy at the party who joins in on a group of friends and starts laughing at their jokes when no one knows his name. Make it easy to us, build steps up if you must, but try your best to start us off with the kind of fluidity you follow through with.

and the orchids by the bedroom window
are all click-and-print snapshots of 1998;
that’s when the doctor turned honest and gave her
a purple pamphlet on adoption.

this is a great stanza.

I'm not quite as big of a fan of the way you draw an end to your poem, it strikes me as rushed and like the easy way out. Careful to keep your poems consistent, and if you want to vary make sure it has a purpose, but save your reader the trouble of grasping onto your hook with all their might when it should be far more effortless. (And once we're hooked, don't drop us before you land on the ground)

Kamas

Hello Lumi,

When I read this I wanted to scream with jealously. Your poetic talent is so amazing and the poems that you write are indescribably good! I can't tell you how much I loved this poem. Seriously I could write a whole review of compliments, but I think a review would be far more appreciated and constructive. But seriously, this was insanely awesome and I love your style of poetry. I won't try and bore you with a line by line review, instead I'll just give you my general impression of this poem.

First and foremost I noticed the absence of capitals - bit annoying. But part from that there were no significant grammatic errors what I could see.

I agree although it isn't major it would be nice to see a little capitalization, I know this is a poem and it doesn't desperately need punctuation but i think it would be a nice touch if you just punctuated this a little more. Sorry to sound like a grammar freak, I just think that even for poetry punctuation still counts for something.

Next I think you need to work on getting each stanza to have an equal amount of lines. Most poems have the same amount of lines in each stanza or follow a specific pattern like '4', '6', '4', '6' and so one.It's just something to think about because I think you could try and stick to a pattern or just have the same number for everything. It just helps flow and it looks better.

but she’s a tease.

That was confusing. You didn't actually explain how or why she is a tease, you just sort of came out with it and I think it would have been better had you taken the time to actually describe any behavior aspects that made her a flirt. Otherwise it just sounds a bit odd and out of place.

My favorite parts would definitely have to be these quoted ones here:

our garden fluxes with lyrics,

simply because. Oh and this one here

out by the bird bath, beneath the weeping willow
is an ocean of violets from that very first year.

It sounds so descriptive and beautiful and it is full of imagery- an aspect which I love in poems.

Overall a very nice poem, if you have any other works that you would like reviewed or you have any questions or concerns about this review then please Pm me and I will try to be as helpful as possible! Keep up the amazing writing, I look forward to seeing you around!

From DreamingForever