Sticky Sun

Your skin is a desert--
a mirage of golden sand,
dead wings and twitching things.
Dust spills out your mouth, wet words
from mine: they will die in your ear.

My body curls like burning leaves
(parched tongue, sticky sun)

so I wander from stone to stone,
looking for an oasis. Tell me,
are your hands dry as desert or
are your eyes clear water?

You feel so much more than you show--
inside there is a river of you,
and I am dying for a drink.

Spoiler

I can't seem to get the first few lines right, what do yall think? Also, thanks for all the likes!

Holy what the heck! It’s a Mars! How long it’s been since I’ve last seen you! Too long! But this really isn’t the time or place for introductions because I’m going to review this poem…dawg.

So, right when I started reading this, I actually started thinking about part of the play I’m currently in, Metamorphoses, namely because the biggest part I’m in has this big chunk of narration when the character, Hunger, crawls up onto stage. And the imagery here is very similar to the imagery of your first stanza which is, by the way, amazing. But I do have a few nitpicks.

a cracked mirage of hunger,
dead wings, and twitching things.

I read this line over and over again trying to figure out where this sounded (out loud) not quite right. Something about that line seems just a smidgen off without an “and” to my ears anyways. Because without “and” I keep thinking that the sentence should carry on but it doesn’t. “And” is like the precursor to a period, at least in this situations.

are your hands dry as desert or
are your eyes clear water?

This chunk just feels very clumsy. Like you were striving for parallelism, got it pretty near perfect, and then found out that pretty practically perfect parallelism isn’t what you needed. Or something. The wording is off. That’s all I’m trying to say.

You feel so much more than you show--

I’m not sure how strange this sound but “feel” feels wrong here. It just doesn’t seem to have enough strength to carry the rest of the line because such a certain ending needs something as definite as the word “are” to push it.


But overall, the description in this poem shows through with the most power. You have this hungry, starved out, dried up imagery that really makes a reader pause and look for something to drink. And you did a great job of avoiding unneeded language/words. You’ve got a great poem right here! *snugs*

Happy to see you back, Mars!

This is great.

It's one of those rare poems that not only radiate with beautiful imagery, but radiate from beneath the surface. The representations are so simple, so parallel with the images, yet so intricate in this short of a poem. Of course, complexity is overrated; who needs it, when one can orchestrate a poem so simple and elegant as this? With such unmuddled symbolism and such crisp descriptions? Anyway. Liked this. I guess you want some critiques, yeah?

Look at the desert of your skin--

Loving the imagery here, but the rhythm of the line is so hackneyed: five-syllable statement, pause, three-syllable follow-up. The thing to do would be to play with the line break between this and the next line some.

Dust spills out your mouth, wet words
from mine: they will die in your ear.

Clearly the incongruity between "out of" and "from" is intentional, and I'm sure you decided against homogenizing them for some strong reason that I can't decipher, but "out of" sounds somewhat clunky. To me, "from" seems like the better alternative.

inside there is a river of you, and I am dying for a drink.

This bothered me. Shouldn't it be "inside of you there is a river?" Of course, that would have a slightly different meaning. The current phrasing implies that inside, the person is a river, whereas my rewording simply states that there is a river inside of him/her. Still, it seems a little off-balance.

So! Like I said, it's great poem you've got here. Hope this review helped a bit.

-Kafka

Mars! Long time no see!
So I really like this. Like really, really. This poem is so eloquent and it flows nicely and the imagerly is excellent and your diction is to die for! You didn't waste words; almost every word you did use meant something to the poem. The extended metaphor was carried out flawlessly. But. Of course I have more to say than that.

Look at the desert landscape
of your skin--a cracked mirage

Like Kafkaescense said, the line break here just doesn't work. Right from the start, the flow is off; it later gets better, but still, it's not a good way to start off.

of dead wings, twitching things.

I agree with Lily; there should be an "and" in there. But I like this little accidental rhyme (or maybe it was intentional?). It sounds nice and not at all like you were trying too hard, as rhyming is often prone to do.

Dust spills out your mouth, wet words
from mine: they will die in your ear.

This is some strong imagery, but I do not feel that there is enough separation between the two halves of the sentence. I'm sure you meant there to be a sharp contrast between "your" and "mine," but the comma just doesn't do it. Maybe make the line break after "mouth,"? Not sure if that'd mess up the rhythm though... I don't know, I guess just play around with it.

are your hands dry as desert or
are your eyes clear water?

The only problem I have with this is that I think the "or" should be on the next line. It feels a little awkward as is, but other than that, this is beautiful.

inside there is a river of you, and I am dying for a drink.

I like your wording, but I feel like this should be broken up into two separate lines. It's a tad long and messes up the rhythm.

Overall, like I said, I loved this. It's nice to see you around again, Marzipan. I've missed you and your writing. =]

Okay....First I'm like, wow and then I'm like, what? I found this poem confusing and disturbing. However, oddly enough, I like it. I don't even really know why. I think it was the imagery you used. It was unique and different.
So on the plus side, your use of langage is amazing and fresh, on the down side though, the mental picture I'm getting from this is of some one with flakey skin. Yeah, yuck.
Also felt like the lines of your poem were broken up weird. When I get to the end of a line in poem I'm reading I always pause, but when I do that with this one I end up stopping in the middle of a sentence and it totally messes with the flow. Here is an example.

Look at the desert landscape
of your skin--a cracked mirage
of dead wings, twitching things.
Dust spills out your mouth, wet words
from mine: they will die in your ear.

I would have put it like this.

Look at the desert landscape of your skin,
A cracked mirage of dead wings, twitching things.
Dust spills out your mouth,
Wet words from mine:
They will die in your ear.

I think it would make this an easier read, but that's just me. This is great the way it is and I enjoyed it. Thanks for posting it.
~DG
*like*