Hours Leading Up to a First Date.
(A Satire on Behavioral Patters of Teenaged Males and Females.)
Written March 2005.
This is a little less "Mean Girls" and a little more ... "High School Musical." I was revisiting some of the things I'd written last year before I spazzed into my "dark(er) period," and thought, "What the heck, I'll just post it." So here we go:
4:31 PM: Maxine, age fifteen-and-three-quarters, bursts into her bathroom armed with a large supply of beauty products. The unfamiliar scent of ‘first date’ lingers in the air. Three hours before the actual date goes underway, she climbs into the shower and begins to exfoliate, shave, shampoo and condition.
4:45 PM: James, age sixteen-and-a-half, is on his way to a soccer game in his old beat-up Pinto, wearing equally dilapidated clothing. The thought of a date three hours later has yet to cross his mind with all the playbook strategies preoccupying it. The sky opens up and sends down a slight drizzle. He winces. It’s going to be a muddy game, that’s for sure.
5:00 PM: Maxine exits the shower stall, a cloud of tropical breeze trailing behind her. Sighing at her reflection in the steamy mirror, she promptly gels, mousses, and blow-dries her hair, praying that it will cooperate all the while.
Meanwhile, James is just beginning to break a sweat in his game. The rain accelerates, practically pouring out of the sky...
5:15 PM: Hauling a make-up bag out of the medicine cabinet, Maxine applies a good pound of foundation, blush, eye shadow, mascara, and lipstick onto her face before deciding it doesn’t really match the outfit she’s planning on wearing.
5:20 PM: James leaps into the air, screams, and performs a victory dance upon the scoring of a goal for his team.
Maxine leaps into the air, screams, and performs a victory dance upon the finding of her long-lost make-up remover.
5:34 PM: Maxine finishes off her re-application of make-up, deciding that the warm color palette she went with matches her skin tone much better.
5:36 PM: The rain has let up, but that doesn’t keep James from slipping as he falls face first into a pile of fresh mud, cutting open his knee. A pool of blood seeps through his gray pant leg.
5:59 PM: Maxine chooses a blood red nail polish to adorn her nails. Glitter quickly follows.
6:15 PM: The game ends. Final score: 3 to 2. “Hey James!” a teammate calls. “You have to come celebrate with us!” How could he possibly resist? Date? What date?
6:28 PM: Maxine pours over an article featured in Teen Magazine: “Dos and Don’ts of a First Date.” She memorizes the ‘tips’ religiously.
6:32 PM: Maxine gets dressed.
6:34 PM: Maxine changes her clothing, deciding that the first outfit she’d chosen really doesn’t “flatter her figure.”
6:37 PM: Maxine changes outfits. Yet again.
6:39 PM: Maxine changes clothing. For a fourth time.
6:53 PM: After 17 costume changes, Maxine finally decides on the outfit she’d originally chosen in the first place. But, she also decides, her hairstyle doesn’t look quite right with that skirt...
6:57 PM: It is in mid-chomp of his The Everything Burger that James comes to the realization that he has a date tonight. He drops the burger and races to his Pinto. He’s supposed to be meeting Maxine up at the theater in a half hour—there is no way he can stop at home now.
7:04 PM: Maxine pulls her hair into an up-do, still not satisfied with its less-than-perfect state.
7:09 PM: James arrives at the movie theater and rushes into the bathroom, glancing at his reflection in the mirror before delving into the sink and washing his muddy face. There isn’t much he can do about his sweat-soaked clothing or bloody knee.
7:12 PM: Maxine begs her older brother for a ride to the theater. He reluctantly agrees to give it to her.
7:14 PM: James begs an old lady nearby for a comb or some type of deodorant. She reluctantly agrees to give it to him.
7:25 PM: James thanks the kind elderly woman and takes a seat in the front lobby of the theater. She wishes him good luck, ‘cause “the good Lord knows it’ll take a special girl to forgive his sorry behind.”
7:31 PM: Maxine arrives ‘fashionably late.’ She spots James and is tempted to laugh out loud. His misshapen hair droops down into his face. His clothing is ripped and dirty. She marches right up to him, but is tempted to turn around when she gets a whiff of his stench.
“Hi,” he grins, nonchalantly. “You look nice.”
“Want to know why, James? You want to know why?” She explodes. “Because I spent three hours getting ready!”
He is stupefied.
“THREE!” she shouts in his face, to emphasize her point. Heads turn, mouths gape, little kids point, and a woman calls “You go, girl!”
“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t walk out the door right now. Give me one reason why I should forgive you and your sorry behind for showing up looking like this.”
“Because I love you?” He feeds her this line almost feebly, but she buys it. Heck, he does look kind of cute drenched in sweat like that.
And.. so, so true.
