noisullI

i am but a thoughtless thought
an idea without a maker,
a truthful lie
an itemless payer.
a living dead
without the apocalypse.

i think without thinking
of a blackened rose,
still fresh and bloody
in the core i chose.

like pretty plastic nails
i wear my past as a cloak,
hide myself from every tomorrow
so on the truth i don't choke -

it's a corpse without death,
an agonizing ache,
false remembrance and
a future so fake.

i don't like it.
i don't want it.

so i prance with my unicorns
and kiss her slowly,
i prance with my unicorns
and I forget reality

Spoiler

I literally wrote this four minutes ago. Mostly just pouring some aches onto paper - or a computer screen, but that doesn't sound as cool - but it turned out pretty okay in my opinion. This is rather personal to me, but don't let that get in the way of critiques of the poem itself.

This is really good; you put a lot of feeling into it which pretty much grabbed me. Good work!

I really, really like how you describe the I-person in this poem

However there is a lot of pace-shifting. It could be intentional though.
The lines in the first verse are descriptive except for the last line. There is the first pace-shift.
The second and third verses are okay regarding the pace.
The fourth however again seems to go on a different rythm

I think without thinking
of a blackened rose

I would leave out the "without thinking" part. You probably did that because you mentioned in the first verse that you are but a thoughtless thought. That doesn't have to mean that you can't think for yourself. I personally would like that verse better if you left out "without thinking". Then it also says that even though you are but a thoughtless thought you CAN think. If you can think, you can have feelings. That would be easier to sympathize with.

The unicorns in the last verse seem a little abundant to me. I don't know where they came from, seeing that the previous lines are all dark and more realistic, even if you touch unrealistic subjects you keep them unreal. The unicorns in the last verse are touchable. Which is completely different. And therefor abundant to me.

Still, I liked the poem very, very much. The words you're using really spoke to me and my imagination. I'm quite positive that others could have that same feeling when they read your work.



(excuse me for the typos and grammatical errors)

Hello.

Your first stanza was rather bland to me. It was a list of who you are, which didn't hold a meaning for me. While you had some interesting imagery ("a living dead without the apocalypse"), most of it was etherial concepts that didn't connect to anything within the poem, each other, or me.

There's also the rhyming of the piece. It's rather inconsistent. There was barely any rhyming in the first stanza, then you seemed to force a rhyme for the 4 line stanzas. Then you fall into rhyming something with the same thing, which can really kill flow. While it's mildly better than forced rhyming, it's not used consistently enough for me to really consider it a repetitive technique.

The stanzas overall feel just a bit disjointed— without a consistent format (rhyme, rhythm, line length), I found myself paying more attention to the format than the actual content. There also doesn't feel like there's any one set image to convey the emotions. So each little part of the poem stands alone, which makes me mentally shift each stanza.

I do, however, feel that you have some decent images you could really exploit. One I mentioned early, another was "wear my past like a cloak". Those images are different and have some substance to them. I didn't quite get "like pretty plastic nails", because it seemed to come out of nowhere and was never mentioned again. Some symbolism I'm missing, maybe?

The last stanza just felt like it came out of nowhere. No mention of forgetting reality, girls, unicorns... anything in that stanza, really, before. If you're going to do such a sudden shift in imagery, try to work in some subtle hints earlier in the poem so we don't get a random imagery.

Overall, you have good parts to this poem. But it shows you wrote it in a very short time, because of how disjointed it is. Let the poem rest a few days, then try to cut the straight angst (blanked roses, agonizing ache, other images that seem really overdramatic for no mentioned reason) and expand on the gems.

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey