Contradictions

You seem so wrong.
You seem so right.
I go along.
I try to fight.

I love you.
I hate you.

I miss your smile.
I will you away.
You seem so vile.
I want you to stay.

I love you.
I hate you.

My mind in chaos devine.
My heart beating for you alone.
Still wanting to call you mine.
Despising you with flesh and bone.

I love you.
I hate you.

Longing for your hand to hold.
Wishing you were at my side.
Cursing you for being bold.
Wond'ring why you even tried.

I love you.
I hate you.

Why can't I just let you go?
Why weren't you my shinning knight?
When can this nightmare end its show?
When were you gonna end my plight?

I hate you.
I love you.

I love how you used the i love you and i hate you through the whole poem. It gives people persecutive of how the narrator doesn't change her feelings through her " self evaluation". Tough topic to write about, I give a "clap clap" for your efforts!

Poetry is an expression. Its a way of stating emotions and getting points across in such a short amount of time that it could not possibly be duplicated by prose. Its why poetry is such an art form. Such a means and a subject all its own. Of course, that means that we should not treat poetry as we treat prose.

So first I'm going to compliment you on starting. Making that effort to take emotions and things in which you want to come across and putting them down. You used a piece of poetic device that usually does not work out to people's advantages and is rarely ever used effectually. That is, repetition. And I would also like to say that you took on a subject matter that so many could relate to and understand.

I'm telling you all of this now so that when you read the rest of this review, you know that there are things I admire and things that you are doing well, okay? You have a fantastic start. Its merely a matter of getting a good shove in the right direction.

That being said, the big problem with this poem is how frontal is it. How 'this is what I'm feeling' takes away from the fact that what you are trying to write is a poem. What is really poetic about this, other than the fact that you spaced your lines out not in sentences? What makes this a piece of literature rather than a diary entry or a blog ranting about your problems? Is there a difference, and if there isn't, how do we change it to make it a poem?

Its starts with a little friend I'd like to call metaphor.

This poem is so blatant and straight-forward that it lacks anything really poetic and enchanting. Words that are mean't to inspire emotion rather than to simply state it. Finding that balance takes time and effort which usually revolves around finding parallel images such as, rather than stating 'I love you' you could say, 'A heart's deepest wish rendered in passionate thought towards what is truly immaculate in this world'.

Now, before I continue on, I would like to touch on structure. You spend a great deal trying to keep your ABAB pattern and it definitely takes away from this whole of this. I recommend writing with free-based poetry until you are comfortable enough with diction and metaphor to be able to take on such things as rhyme schemes and structured poetry.

That being said, the next big thing I want to see you working with is imagery. What sense are you appealing with this poem? Sight, hearing, tasting, smelling? Did you poem make me see into the depths of your heart or did it make me hear the sweet song of remorse and bitter contradiction? Could I taste defeat or victory? Could I smell the first blossoms of love? All these senses are key to creating poetry that appeals to the reader as a whole. Work with them.

You are off to a great start, Redrum. There is substance here and the passion to create. Now its merely refining that passion and creating something that can be admired by even the most idealistic of readers.

~Walker

Hi there.
So the concept of this was good, but the execution was a bit lacking.
First of all, please add in some punctuation. Without it, this seems a bit hasty, and it really throws the rhythm off since we don't have commas or periods to tell us where to pause.
The rhyme also hinders your poem. It seems really forced and it restricts whatever message you're trying to get across.
I agree with Dreamwalker; the main problem here is that you are very up-front, which makes this a sort of halfway-there poem. You've got the idea, you've got the structure, but you don't really have the poetry. You know, metaphors, similes, all that jazz. The only way to fix this is to read poetry and take lots of English courses.
The repetition of "I love you, I hate you" got a little old. Repetition's a really tricky thing to pull off though; even experienced poets can't do it well.
That's about all I can think to say. I'm sorry if my review's a little all over the place. It's been a while since I've reviewed anything. I hope I helped, and if you ever want me to take a look at anything else you've written, don't hesitate to ask. =]