Earthquake

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 18916
Reviews 530
So I wrote this today, writing bits in each of my classes. I've only done a quick proofread so there still might be some spelling and/or grammatical errors, but I don't think so. I'm also thinking there's the potential to extend this, so write a bit more. It's staying a short story, but I feel the ending leaves much to be desired.



I get the call in the middle of a math lesson. The teacher waves a lazy hand at me, beckoning me to the front. In my head, it’s nothing bad, nothing bad. But for some reason, there is a thought beholding something heavy and ominous. I think to myself it’s only paranoia.
As I approach the desk, I can see her eyes sag downward, weighed by sadness – or is it sympathy? Her usual smile has disappeared, abandoning all but a thin rose line of coloured lips. I am stubborn, however, and I refuse to think something horrible has happened.
Her mouth moves, articulating words with sharp precision but I cannot hear anything – my ears are in denial. And then there is a terrifying earthquake and the desks are falling, chairs are sliding but everyone is sitting steadily. Nobody tumbles even thought it must be a nine on the Richter scale.
Why am I falling and no one else is?
*
Everyone always said that my mother was insane. That she’s been ‘on holiday’ from reality ever since the thing with my dad. Everyone said that she was odd and needed to be, put lightly, taken care of.
But I know who my mother is really. She’s my hero. She's an artist.
If I ever came home from school distressed, my mother was there. She’d listen quietly and then take my hand and we’d go to the attic and paint.
The attic was – is – my favourite place. It’s always in organized chaos, cluttered with half-complete canvases that my mother got frustrated with. The walls are a giant collage of graffiti words, newspaper and magazine clippings and large, life-size forms of insects from stick bugs to slippery, acrylic earthworms. And from the ceiling hangs a chandelier, crafted by my mother using broken beer bottles and milky-white litre jugs. I remember she had to rob the light bulb from the basement stairs. I’m afraid of its darkness now.
We would paint up there and sometimes draw. I like splattering the paint from afar best, though. There were huge white potato sacks that we wore and then it was like a dance. Twisting and twirling, sidestepping, letting paint fly from these magic wands. (Mother always called paintbrushes ‘magic wands’ because they created.) It was chaotic and exhilarating and still one could see what had transpired on the spotted canvas. Interpretations are personal, Mother said. Nonetheless, colours betrayed emotion and the paint flung only screamed of anger and frustration. Fatigue.
Fatigue.
I wish I’d known. Seen it. But I was too possessed by my own world.
I only wish.
*
It’s a struggle to retain the acid that keeps making its way up my throat. It stings bitter and sour and my eyes are watering.
The smell of the place is vile, managing to invade each sense – somehow. It’s a vomit-inducing stench of disinfectant and a sickening odour of chicken soup. And beneath, the underlying scent of blood.
I loathe hospitals.
And waiting.
I slouch down in the black leather seat that’s far too nice for a hospital waiting room. I want to melt, become the polish on the seat. I want this to be over.
A nurse strides with angry purpose, brows furrowed, tight-lipped like my math teacher. Everything about the nurse is frighteningly fierce and I abruptly pull myself into a proper sitting position when she stops before me. Her hard gaze does not falter and she speaks with predictable harshness: “Amethyst?” I see her look over the name on the paper a second time. Like everyone else who thinks my name’s the equivalent to a hooker’s alias.
“Amy,” I say with equal frigidity. She nods, almost saying alright, understandable, I don’t blame you.
“Well, then, Amy, please follow me.” The nurse turns on her heel, demonstrating expertise in the movement. She tells me no name, only expecting me to trust and follow her. I’m led down a smelly corridor, neutrally painted white. And ‘just to jazz it up a bit’, the baseboards are a disgusting colour of turquoise. I’m sure that it coordinates nicely with the hospital scrubs and gowns.
Eventually, the nurse stops at a room where the door is slightly ajar. I can actually see her name now – Sylvia - an atrocious one I decide. She simply pushes open the door a little wider. Her eyes are large and intimidating. They prompt me to go into the room. A room I’ve never laid eyes on before and I already hate it so much.
But I have no choice. My unwilling feet take a few steps forward and before I can realize it, Sylvia is closing the door behind me. I don’t know why, but a shudder runs through me as I turn my head and really take a look at the room I’m now in.
The lights overhead are dimmed, casting a sepia glow over the small room. Up against a wall there’s a television, but it’s black and I can see a remote placed carefully on the table beneath it. A patient wouldn’t be able to watch television anyway, in that case, then. On the far end of the room, on the outside wall is a large window, twinkling with the city’s electricity from its other side. It plays almost like a one-way mirror, skilfully offering a detailed reflection of everything the hospital room contains.
In the center is the bed. And on the bed is my mother, hooked up to countless machines, all programmed to keep her alive.
My reaction is immediate and unplanned: I slide as quickly as I can to her bedside and I take her hand in both of mine. Hers is chill and clammy and my own warm ones work desperately to transfer heat. I subconsciously run my thumbs down the underside of her wrist, feeling for a pulse. I know she’s alive or else she still would not be hooked up to all the machines, but still my heart plummets to my navel when I feel the pulse at last. It’s so light. Just like the feathering wings of a monarch butterfly, leaving to migrate to the warmer areas of the south.
For some reason, I find my lungs struggling to gather oxygen and so I pull up a chair to the bedside, still breathing like a smoking marathon runner. Gasping for air, I slowly began to regain composure. Nevertheless, I tremble inside. I want to say something meaningful to this shell of a woman – my mother who didn’t seem like my mother anymore – but I have no idea of what.
“Mother.” The single word wavers and I ignore the tears that start to flow silently down my cheeks. I can taste their saltiness as they slip over my lips. I continue now and this time my tone is more assured. “Squeeze my hand. Please.”
There was a fraction of a second where nothing happens and then I feel the cold hand stir. The fingers twitch slightly – I sigh with relief, a smile spreading wide.
However, it disappears as fast as it came. She slips her hand from mine and lets it rest solitary against the hospital blankets.
I am forced to walk away.
Last edited by Lavvie on Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
this tender selfmetamorpoiesisi have returned with the swell

What is to give light must endure burning. – Viktor Frankl




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1259
Reviews 6
This is my first review, I'm sorry if it's not quite up to scratch.

First of all, I really loved this. It was interesting to read and I wanted there to be more when I got to the end, which for me, makes it a successful story! It was a good idea too, from the very beginning I was curious as to how the story would play out. You developed your main character well too, I learnt more about her as the story progressed and it helped me read into the story better, very well done!

The opening of the story was done very well, in my opinion. I also like how you've varied your sentence structure to make the story flow and keep it interesting, it's something I struggle with so it's nice to see such a good example of it being done well.

Unless it was intentional, I think you could improve how you open each part of the story. They all open with one sentence that leads into an explanation, it would be nice to see you use a different way of introduction to each part. I think it could show off your writing skills some more!

Also, I noticed this when I was reading.
I’m led down a smelly corridor, neutrally painting white.
Should 'painting' be 'painted'?

You have made good use of metaphors in your writing, they are very well thought-out and I really like them, especially:
the feathering wings of a monarch butterfly
They emphasize the image created, and make reading and imagining the story easier.

Your story left me wanting to read more, and find out what happened to your characters, so on the whole, you've written a really good story! I loved reading it and I didn't want it to end.

I hope this is of some use to you!
I am accustomed to sleep and in my dreams to imagine the same things that lunatics imagine when awake. ~ Rene Descartes




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1078
Reviews 2
As it happens, this is also my first review. First and foremost, I will say that I love your descriptive style. You have incorporated description in a way that helps the story flow and makes it vibrant. I noticed that you referenced colors very frequently, and I think the psychological effects of your psychedelic imagery draws in the reader effectively. Consequently, your vocabulary and description are your short story's defining qualities, I believe. Every once in awhile, however, I'd find myself wondering what you meant by certain phrases. I'll give an example.

LavenderBlue wrote:There were huge white potato sacks that we wore and then it was like a dance.


I read this sentence a few times, for I thought the word usage was primitive and confusing. You do elaborate on this in the very next sentence well, but I still dislike this sentence.

In the work as a whole, I noticed that you sometimes overdescribed situations, which made me almost impatient, for I wanted you to continue the story. I encountered this especially when Amy was in the hospital. Also, I noticed that you left out many commas. These are my only gripes with your story, and overall it was a joy to read. Keep writing!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5391
Reviews 114
Hola!

Alright, right in the very beginning, I thought there was something a bit contradictory.

The teacher waves a lazy hand at me, beckoning me to the front.


Okay, so. Lazy hand. This makes me think the teacher isn't really concerned. That she is bored.

As I approach the desk, I can see her eyes sag downward, weighed by sadness – or is it sympathy? Her usual smile has disappeared, abandoning all but a thin rose line of coloured lips.




But here, she doesn't seem very bored. She seems concerned and sympathetic.

So..is she concerned about the narrator or not?
And then there is a terrifying earthquake and the desks are falling, chairs are sliding but everyone is sitting steadily. Nobody tumbles even thought it must be a nine on the Richter scale.
Why am I falling and no one else is?


I love this. This was fantastic!! Simple, freaking brilliance.

I also really, really loved the way you described the attic and the way the narrator and her mom would paint. It made me picture the whole thing clearly, I enjoyed it. :)
Like everyone else who thinks my name’s the equivalent to a hooker’s alias.


Hehehehehe. Love this.

“Well, then, Amy, please follow me.” The nurse turns on her heel, demonstrating expertise in the movement.


That sentence really bugs me. Your description is great, but you don't really have to describe the way the nurse turns on her heel. Get me?
Hers is chill and clammy and my own warm ones work desperately to transfer heat.


I think 'chill' should be replaced with cold, because 'chill' makes me think of the slang word for someone relaxed.

I could taste their saltiness as they would slip slippedover my lips.


Grammar. ^.^

Apart from those nitpicks, I liked this. It flowed really well, and your description was awessommee!!! Great job! Keep writing :D
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30280
Reviews 529
Hey there!

Why am I falling and no one else is?


I loved the imagery here. It really was great. I think, however, this sentence could be better. Maybe if it was written more like - 'Why am I the only one falling?' It's a lot more to the point and I think it helps to single out the fact that she's the only one experiencing this 'earthquake'.

And ‘just to jazz it up a bit’, the baseboards are a disgusting colour of turquoise. I’m sure that it coordinates nicely with the hospital scrubs and gowns.


I get that you're trying to link in how the nurse is dressed, so we get a clearer picture of her and the hospital, but I don't really think this sentence brings anything to the story. It almost pulled my attention away from what was going on.

***

I definitely feel like you could expand on this. As it is, it's fine. I loved the way you described things - in particular, the earthquake and the butterfly pulse. But I'm left feeling a little dissatisfied. I want to know why her mum moved her hand away. Had something gone on to distance them from each other? From the painting scene, I'd imagined them being really close. Especially seeing as you mention that the dad isn't around anymore. I want to know why she hurt herself. Or Amy's views on why, anyway.

Also, I want to know what Amy thinks of it all. Is she sad? Angry at her mum? Think her mum was being selfish? Or concerned? It'll paint a deeper picture of how the relationship is between Amy and her mum.

I understand that you want to keep this as a short story, and that's fine, but the ending seems a little abrupt and open ended at the moment. That may have been your intentions, but I'd like to see a little more added.

I hope this helps :)

Thanks for the read!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.



the heart is the best part
— soundofmind