With Love, From Albany

You are a blatant burden,
an archetypal demand that I should be
beyond my being, that I should b r e a t h e
sweeter air, softer air, with quieter breaths
because every breath is more than just air;
everything has a flip-side, a duality
that can tuck me in at night
when I’ve had too much to drink.

And you’re the half-breath between my panic,
the heartbeat suspended in my lungs
like a corpse from the ceiling of a locked bathroom.
Please dial 911, we have an emergency.
The indefinite pitch--the bending between two notes
that makes my ears bleed as sirens wail in the driveway--
you’re the madness in my music.

And you’re the roll of thunder on the front door,
the shriek of stained glass hitting the floor,
and the dark hum of a radio on a man’s belt
when he’s the first to see my body.

Yes, you’re the rope, too--I think that’s important;
you’re the force keeping me tethered where you
want me to be, and not where I need me to want.
You’re not the knife that cuts me down,
nor the gasps in my mother’s chest,
but you’re the flowers that I hold in my hand,
and the blush they put on my face.

Lumichu, you poet you.

This poem is very, very open. The subject matter is something in which is dark - though I know you're not a fan of your depressing bits - and deep. You make the perfect subject for a poem simply because of the fact that you are such an open book and, though I'm sure it was not the easiest of poems to write, it was definitely one that gives the reader an insight into you as a person, and into the thoughts in which many people could find themselves relating to even if only so much.

That being said, this was effectual. It got your point across and will most definitely be a hit.

Now, as you know, I'm a big fan of your poetry. The simplistic voice. The confident way in which you sculpt words. I've always been. What differentiates this poem from all the rest, though? The subject.

I love how flighty you are, Lumichu. The way you approached the Ronson Kiss, perchance. There is a metaphoric subtlety that makes it so poetic and so deeply attuned to you and the reader that the connection is instant simply because the power of the words rather than the lines themselves. This, on the other hand, makes a connection through its lines rather than its words. The power is in the fact that I totally understand what you are writing.

The problem, though, is that now we have hit that inevitable road block. The 'poetry or prose?' road block. And in this case, as much as I adore you and your work, this might have been better in prose form only because it was not individual words that made this powerful but the voice of the narrator. The spoken word. You went through the motions with this one, creating a sardonic, almost too first person ideology which comes across as being strong when put in a short story, per say, or a monologue.

That being said, you went through the motions. You wrote this in a way that makes each stanza look as a paragraph might, taking on certain aspects rather than flowing into each other. Its drilled by education to do that, but in poetry, its not exactly the most artistic thing to do, though constant.

Now, I would like to pull out the best part of this poem, in my opinion.

You’re not the knife that cuts me down,
nor the gasps in my mother’s chest,
but you’re the flowers that I hold in my hand,
and the blush they put on my face.

You are the king of making the end the most powerful part of the piece. This is sharp, realistic, and enough to make a person feel something after they finish reading. And that's important, especially with a subject matter like this. If it was superbly constant yet melodramatic all the way through, the reader would get bored and see it as another piece of angsty, teen poetry.

You're smart, though. you know how to work an ending to make the poem come alive after reading it, whether or not the during part makes that list. Every word makes sense as soon as that ending is put in place, which is magical in its own right. In any other case, I would have been a bit annoyed by the ending having such a sharpness, but because of the tone of this, I will admit that I enjoyed it.

So, basically, what I want you to take from this is that you are fantastic when you're not simply jumping going through the motions. This is still fantastic in its own right, and deeply emotional, but I don't know if it really compares with the Ronson Kiss (though I'm sure I'll have people disagree with me on this one).

You amaze me.

~Walker

I don't think sanity has much use her, and I mean that in the very best of ways. I LOVE this poem. You had me hooked from the first line. "You are a blatant burden,an archetypal demand that I should be beyond my being" That's just breathtaking. You have some awesome alliteration going on, is that intentional? Eirther way it works beautifly.
The last stanza doesn't grab me the way the rest of the poem does. I can't put my finger on why though, so that's not particularly helpful...

Hello, Lumi!

This is great here. First stanza is fantastic. Overall you've achieved some excellent imagery, tone, and voice. I get that this is a letter addressed to someone. But the meaningfulness of this poem gradually vanishes as it's read, because this someone–this "you" that is addressed–is compared to things in the first stanza. The second stanza. Third stanza. Fourth. Who ever this "you" is, seems to be everything. This multi-metaphorical vagueness doesn't sit well with me. Leah mentions that your concluding stanza is weak. I'd have to agree. And I think that's because it only offers more metaphors.

Typo here:

You’re not the knife the cuts me down,

Other than that though there's not much to pick at. One of my favorite aspects is that I could really feel the emotions, even if I didn't get the "you" exactly. I could feel the breathing, the panic, the struggle. There was a sincerity throughout that was refreshing and gave your poem a kind of force, life.

Lumi darling,

perhaps you didn't make your edit sweep. But nonetheless, I shall stink up this thread with my early arrival.

However morbid, this was enjoyable to read. And really the one thing that's really drowning this at the moment is the fact that it's a poet's grocery list. And without a doubt, the openness of your poetry will make this a hit. But I don't want you to forget that it is essential for things to flow into one another like waves against a beach. As one wave washes and stretches up slowly before receding, the next wave rolling over it. And comparing "you" (which is the someone I love to address in my own poetry as well) to everything under the sun wouldn't give us a better understanding of "you", perhaps how you feel about you is more clear, but I don't have anything to ground my thoughts of you and it becomes listing and impersonal, which is the worst possible thing that can happen to your type of voice in particular. Your type of voice thrives off its relatable-ness and its personal appeal to readers, and as soon as it becomes impersonal you've taken a great big hack at that connection with a double bladed axe.

Writing a letter- type, addressed to "you" form poem can be really powerful if you're careful to not get too absorbed in your own thoughts on "you" themselves. Perhaps counter-intuitive in an almost personal letter that never is sent but rather kept in a box and looked at every once in a while, but necessary if you want this to maintain any form of a relationship with your reader.

As those above me said, this poem has a great tone and approach that dissolves as we continue through it. The first stanza has a nice opening tone and the second stanza has some nice imagery, though it's slightly lost in this listing sense we're getting. What I don't like at all is:

sweeter air, softer air, with quieter breaths
because every breath is more than just air;
everything has a flip-side, a duality

It's so pretentious and is really awful on the tongue. Use semicolons a little more wisely, it doesn't allow you to make such a huge jump it allows you to connect things that are related but separate thoughts and though they're related, it's way too hard to read and the jump itself is that from an unfinished bridge. And it sucks to have it after such a nice opening line.

Careful to not get lost in what you're writing.

yours,

Kamas

I don't have a real review because all I can really say is wow! It flowed , the meaing of the poem and the cruel yet beautiful story that it told was wonderful! Thank you!

Lumi,

Wow. Romance really is your thing, isn't it? This was so simple and smooth, and you got
out everything you need to say beautifully. Actually, it was just a beautiful poem overall!
And the comparisons, I thought, were really good. Different, interesting, thought-provoking.
But they made sense.

Thanks for a great read. (And something totally worth it.)

Miyakko.

Aside from.the message of this poem, it took my breath away. I don't think I can put it into words how amazing this poem is! This is my new favorite poem!!

Hello there, Lumisir. I'm going to get the unpleasantries out of the way first, ok?

Each time I read this, I like it less. Now that I've read it 5 or 6 times, I can safely say it's my least favorite thing I've seen from you. That stinks right? Well, it's not so bad. You've set the bar pretty high already, and this still contains glimmers what makes me adore you and your work so much.

The issue I can't get around is immersion. We have two players, the speaker and "you", but we know nothing about them. There's no personality to either of them, so they end up feeling empty. I know this is a poem and I can't demand deep characterization, but I at least need a reason to care. Right now it feels like a shapeless form walks in, complains for a bit for unknown reasons at another shapeless form, and then leaves. This is all fine and dandy when the reader can relate directly, and therefore change themself into one of those forms, but I can't do that. I can't be the speaker, and the lack of character won't let me empathize either, so I'm sitting here feeling quite left out.

The other issue that dulled the poem's impact was that you slammed me with metaphors but never spent any time developing them. You toss a new one in almost every line, and it becomes overwhelming. Metaphors aren't meant to be listed. They want to expand into these beautiful things that can be explored and genuinely appreciated. Between the emptiness of the characters and the emptiness of the metaphors this all starts to feel very hollow. That doesn't mean that you didn't put real, strong emotion into it, it only means that somewhere between you and me, that emotion is leaking out and dissipating.

As I mentioned earlier, when this is broken down into 1 or 2 line sections, your talent shines through. For example, I found

a duality
that can tuck me in at night
when I’ve had too much to drink.

to be absolutely beautiful. But then the 1 or 2 lines before and after it didn't do anything to build and connect. It's like you built this tower out of beautiful stones but forgot to mortar them together. Once you get that patched up, build a door and let me in. I'd quite like to be your pretty pretty princess.

Much love,
Shade