The Chair of Wind and Darkness: Draft One [1-3]: Closed

Dream Deep · 2006-05-07T20:36:15Z

[Closed and Obselete.] . . . [To be disregarded due to numerous plot developments and a painfully poor grasp on the writing and characters - in my defense, this was a very early draft.. ^_~ Current draft in progress. ] -- Okay. I know some of you have already read the first draft of "The Chair of Wind and Darkness". This is a rewrite with the prologue and second part included, which compounds to make the first scene. I would be hugely grateful if anyone would comment on this for me (tell me if I'm getting a little too Dostoyevsky-ish, Imp). I'm not so sure about this, but what else are critique groups for, but critiques? Note: 'Hurraas' has been changed to 'Strazhas' in this draft. The very first Chair of Wind and Darkness was not so very different than the one you might be sitting in now. It was very simple, white wood and wicker, and it stood on four elegantly swooping legs before a desk so that it could spend its quiet days overlooking the prim green lawn, the stone courtyard and the stately trees outside. It sat, in all its years, in a little airy room beside a small white desk while the sheer, gauzy, white curtains blew in from the window and swept, billowing, against it. It was such a chair that, looking at it, you could easily imagine yourself sitting in it, could easily imagine that the book on the desk was yours as it ruffled from page to page, blown creamy and white into a chaotic flurry by the breeze. You could easily imagine that all those neat, black-inked, handwritten pages were yours, paragraphs and words that compounded to build personal secrets, dreams, hopes; all the good things in life and all the bad, unhappy things you only lived through by screaming your outrage at the sky - the things you’ve endured and looked back on and understood. And forgiven. You could easily imagine that, to see the chair. What you could not imagine would be that this plain, serviceable, simple chair reigning before an evenly plain desk and a single, beautiful book could be the Chair of Wind and Darkness, something that you’ve doubtless known about your entire life. Though I’m sure never by that name. In the dream it was raining. Raining was not ordinarily a bad state for the weather to be in, but in the downtown sector of the city Barduev, it was an inconvenience which made the Agra-Wazir District particularly challenging to get through, what with all the sunken sidewalks and the muddy, flooding gardens that were a level below the street. Shan Tefur’s boots and the bottom of his long black jacket were completely soaked as he stood beneath the looming columns of the Provincial Development Building, the only government building on this street and therefore the only one with a raised porch. He ran thin fingers through his dripping hair and looked left down the avenue towards the Kier District and the general direction of his apartment. He then looked right towards his destination and leaned forwards a bit to glance up a the stinging misty curtain that wasn’t allowing him to see either. He stepped back a pace on the porch and paced angrily for a moment in the pre-moonlight shadows, drying his hands uselessly on the soaking edge of his coat. As he turned once he caught a quick glimpse of the guards who had been following him since the Academy. They were huddled under a porch roof of some dark house, miserable in water that was up to their ankles in the depressed stonework. Shan counted five... no, six of them, right there across the street, soaking wet and probably having a good deal of a harder time than he was. Still, their presence irritated him, and he sighed, rubbed a hand across the back of his neck and took a step out from under the overhang. “Strazhas!” he shouted across the street, cupping his hands around his mouth so that the noise carried through the rain. Well, they had no choice now that he had seen them. They slipped around the corner of their building and disappeared into the alleyway as if they were just a handful of old friends out for a walk in the rain. They were still going to follow him, of course, they were just going to do it a little more discreetly. He swore and looked right and left again quickly, up and down the street through the downpour. He pushed his hair back and ran a hand down his dripping face, moving a bit and craning his neck to see down the now empty alley. He went to the opposite side of the porch, turned and ran for the edge, with the mind to jump far enough so as to get to the area of semi-dryness under the next porch, sunken though it was. He tripped pushing off the edge and landed on his hands and knees in the wide, soaking street in between, bruising his palms and getting himself thoroughly drenched. He pulled himself up with his long, once fastidious coat tangled around his leg and shin-deep in water, and he kicked the rain-water in an arch of spray towards the main street. Shan saw the movement beyond the rain as the inexpertly trained Strazhas dispersed and spread out, waiting for him farther up the avenue, drier than he and, for the moment, under a porch roof. He wished he had caught himself when he had fallen. He hated to fall. Bright glare from the window came across the pillow and into his eyes, unwelcome sunlight that had come too early. He turned away from it but the light followed him, illuminated the white wall and made it reflect light back to him. Morning - after all, there was no getting around it. He sighed and kicked off the sheet, which was tangled around his leg. Stupid sheets. He pushed himself up and sat on the edge of the bed, running his hands through his hair and studying the long, slim military coat that lay in a mess on the floor, a black puddle of heavy fabric. The three silver stars on the high collar were just barely from under a carelessly thrown fold, identical points of light in a night sky. Beautiful? Yes, it was. But it also stood for something in which he no longer believed. He began to wonder if through all the innumerable things he had done he had ever once believed it. The last time he had worn it; when was that? Well, he had worn it last night, but seriously went out and worn it as a uniform, worn it to show everyone who he was, what he stood for? Wearing something because it happened to be available and wearing something because you believed in what it stood for were two different things completely. He shook himself and chose not to think about it; of course he had believed it, so does everyone when they first start something. It’s not a condition of whether or not you go on believing it, you begin something and you get used to it. You never sit around debating about it. For crying out loud, there were better ways to spend his time than to sit here and debate about his life. Like it would matter. Shan got down and picked the jacket up, irritated with himself for being careless enough to let it lie there the whole night. He laid it over the back of a nearby chair, picking a bit of whitish lint off of the back with his finger nail, and the thick feel of the cloth brought back the memory of the dream. Where had he been going? He tried, and could not remember. It was the first coherent dream he had had in a long time, and now he couldn’t remember it. It had been raining, he recalled. Raining in Barduev. God, he wished it would rain. He wished the water would just pour down out of the clouds, wash away the dust on the street, in the gardens, in the air. They said that this was the worst drought since the Academy was built, and in his dream it poured. What was the sense in that? No reason, no sense. The rain, that brought him back to his coat, which had gotten soaked. The coat... ah the coat. Why couldn’t he forget about it? Shan Tefur fingered the silver stars on the collar and sat back down on the bed. Stars. Three silver stars, the rank of a Kasimov. Three ranks down from a general, at the age of twenty-six. Not like it mattered - no more days of glory and war for him, just commendation from the government, you did well but the military has a better use for officers that aren’t from old money. Sit around and do something interesting. And because you’re a war hero, you get to keep the coat. He had fought so many battles in heavy, long black. So many men had saluted him that day they had taken Peremid. And now here he was, waking up too late in an apartment that was too small, dreaming about rain in Barduev and wasting his life away. Three identical starts in the night sky indeed. And here he was sitting down again, right back in a circle. Disgusted, he got up and turned to go wash up in the cramped bathroom. As he washed his face over the sink, he thought about the falling in the street. He hated so much to fall. He hated more to fall in the street. Everyone could see you in the street. Of course, everyone would be right there, ready to offer help and to get you up and on your way. Ready to embarrass you. Private falls did not hurt so much. When you fell alone, in your apartment, in a deserted alley, your pride did not fall as hard. You didn’t have to get right up, dust yourself off and pretend it didn’t hurt. You could take your time. You could stay where you were, right where you were, until you could get your shocked muscles to stop hurting. First it would be the knees. Then it would be the arms. Then the legs. And you could put your trust in the ground until you could stand up again.

Bjorn

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 126

Fri Aug 11, 2006 5:23 am

Bjorn says... · Fri Aug 11, 2006 5:23 am

I finally took the time to read this! I needed to know what the fuss was! Now I can't give you constructive criticism, as when I first read something I don't look for mistakes (unless they find me). But even then this piece is long and I'm tired, so...yeah. However, from what I read, I'm liking it so far. The time-frame I had in mind while reading this was 18th-19th C. (am I right?), and it has somewhat of a Russo feel too it. I like the main character, Shan. Oh, and now I know where the strazhas went. Do the spijuni come in any time soon?

Killing For Peace Is Like F#@%ing For Chastity
Revolucija Je Sada! Revolucija Je Stobom I Svima! Revolucija Je Uvijek-Zivi Uz Revolucije I Budite Slobodni!

Dream Deep

Gender

Points 5890

Reviews 504

Mon Aug 14, 2006 1:16 pm

Dream Deep says... · Mon Aug 14, 2006 1:16 pm

Lol, a Russo feel to it? Heh, that's what Reas said...

18th-19th C... it could be, but I never really took the time to figure out the exact times... it's fantasy after all. ^_~

Yes indeed, now you know where the Strazhas went - I had it Hurraas (arabic), but it just didn't fit.

Lol, spijuni?

Poor Imp

Gender

Points 14789

Reviews 483

Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:24 pm

Poor Imp says... · Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:24 pm

Dream Deep wrote:Lol, a Russo feel to it? Heh, that's what Reas said...

18th-19th C... it could be, but I never really took the time to figure out the exact times... it's fantasy after all. ^_~

Yes indeed, now you know where the Strazhas went - I had it Hurraas (arabic), but it just didn't fit.

Lol, spijuni?

In Russian, shpe'oni. Spies.

Oy, I've got to transfer over the TSR critique and finish this, DD. I feel remiss. ^_~''

ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."

-Lloyd Alexander

Dream Deep

Gender

Points 5890

Reviews 504

Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:32 pm

Dream Deep says... · Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:32 pm

Ahh. Shpe'oni/spijuni. Coolness. Lol, keep your eyes open, Strazhas might become Spijuni in a later draft... :wink:

Lol, don't worry about it, Imp. I'm going to try to get a new draft an Chapter 4 up and posted tomorrow, so there's no pressure.

Poor Imp

Gender

Points 14789

Reviews 483

Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:10 am

Poor Imp says... · Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:10 am

(repost from TSR)Finally, DD...I get to posting a (partial) critique of our dear CofW&D. !_!

Firstly, I enjoyed reading it - a good read in all particulars with an atmosphere and characters that not only fit firmly into it all as people - but the world also comes real. There's something peculiarly compelling about the place - brooding, listless as it seems in the heat and ruled constriction.

But to that more (hopefull) later.

The speaker’s voice boomed out over the civilians heads in the dark auditorium,
loud, harsh and graced by hollow distortion as it echoed over the hundreds of the
packed-in working class and thundered up to a vaulted ceiling. It seemed even
louder over the left side, over the leagues and leagues of deserted chairs, empty
but for the dozen or so Kasimovs perched high up in the consecutive middles of
the far-back rows, lounging. Some of them had a boot hooked up on the back of
the chair before him, as if to demonstrate to whoever cared to look that he was
thoroughly hot and bored; which of course he was perfectly entitled to be, being
a Kasimov. The people were perhaps too respectful, too intimidated to sit near
them. Of course they had stared before the lights had gone down, little children
who looked wide-eyed at the military dress sabers and the long coats, the medals
that glimmered in the dark heat. They had doubtless been told not to talk to
Kasimovs, not to approach them - those, on a higher plane of soldiery. High and
strong like glossed granite, more polished around the edges.

Beginning well - it's not merely a picture I get, but the sound and feeling of place. But a bit of the Dotoyevsky length is creeping in there without respite. ...I only say note it - because you break it up right there in the middle.

It seemed even
louder over the left side, over the leagues and leagues of deserted chairs, empty
but for the dozen or so Kasimovs perched high up in the consecutive middles of
the far-back rows, lounging.

They're perched...and then they're lounging here...and in the following sentence (quoted below) they're described as they are, rather languid. Try dropping the lounging bit, and see how it flows.

Some of them had a boot hooked up on the back of
the chair before him, as if to demonstrate to whoever cared to look that he was
thoroughly hot and bored; which of course he was perfectly entitled to be, being
a Kasimov.

Perfect description of lounging here, without the actual word. ^_~
Perhaps rather than repeating the verb to be at the end - '...entitled to be, as a Kasimov.'

The fact that he was all decked out in full
Kasimov regalia didn’t help at all: the stars on his cuffs now as well as his
collar and shoulders; the silver award medal he had gotten when they had taken
Peremid, small and old and more ornate than they made them now, military
sabers crossed in high relief over the state cross; the silver-blue braiding that
looped about his shoulder; and all the medals on his chest that he’d won coming
up through the ranks.

Award here is redundant - a medal is a reward. ^_^ But the weaving of his discomfort with a description of the uniform makes a good way to image it casually - it doesn't feel forced, as such description so often does.

Only one of the solitary meth-maratime captains was present, alone, a row
down from the dramatic, dominant, Kasimov black

No comma needed between 'dominant' and 'Kasimov', and with it the sentence sort of hiccups.

If keeping up an unmoveable face
was making a statement, they felt it was a statement they did not need to make,
secure in their rank.

'Immovable' rather than 'unmoveable'. Secure in their rank repeats what's implied... If it doesn't shatter the flow, see what it looks like without it.

They were all
plenty older now, a few more weapons scars here and there,...

Either drop 'weapons' or make it 'weapon's' - it is possessive in this case. ^_^

That’s not a long coat, his friends had laughed at him when he had come
back to the officers tent with silver stars and a coat that screamed promotion!
before any of them had even been considered as candidates. Hell, long is an
understatement, it’s down past the tops of your boots. They had made fun of him
incessantly that first night, partially because he was their friend and it seemed
natural. Partially because he was a Kasimov and they weren’t and a very small
part in every one of them hated him for it. So they had gotten drunk and had
slapped him on the back and had laughed at the hate to chase it away. And years
later, here they all were, Kasimovs in the throes of glory and honor and high
society, enlisted men with reputations as soldiers. And here he was beside them,
cast off and relieved of command, first to rise and first to fall. Ironic indeed.

Good glimpes (again) of past history. Not only that, but the sentences vary and keep the flow the from stumbling. No Dostoyevksy-length continuance in sight. ^_^

Unfortunately for
him, he had happened to be in Barduev when the meth-maratime held it’s
monthly lecture...

---Ought to be its - typo there.

...and all the military personnel in the city was of course required
to attend

Not technically a rule (though what is, in English grammar?...^_~) but using the subjunctive here will make it more precise, and more professional. "...Personnel were..."

The two Kasimovs a
seat over from him were playing cards very discretely. They were both cheating, also very discretely.

This was good - a bit of humour and another addition to the languid - if brooding - atmosphere. The end sentence jarred - just a bit - though fine as it is. A suggestion, so that it's not as staccato - "They were also both cheating, just as discretely."

It's quite all right as it is; and the abruptness might have been intended? It works. So up to you entirely on whether you'd want to to be less pointed. ^_^

As Shan’s had been at the
beginning, as it had been at the end, before the myriad of medals that he no
longer wore when he went out to walk in a city he no longer loved.

Confusion with the punctuation. An intended fragment, I assume? Comma ought to fit between 'city' and 'he no longer'. And as this is fragmented, to make it more clear, you might add a dash between 'end' and 'before'. For example - ...been at the ned -- before the myriad of medals that he no longer wore when he went out, no longer loved. I would cut out the walk in the city as it adds detail that's not entirely necassary, and slows the sentence down by half at least. ^_^

And for what reason had he
been relieved, told that the future lay with the young Kasimovs, the Kasimovs to
whom ideology meant something and to those who still had the ambition,
imagination and the drive to command?

This gets rather too long for its rhetorical narrative intention. By the time I get to the end...I've almost lost the idea that it's a question. Maybe break it into two? Example --

And for what reason had he been relieved? ...told that the future lay with the young Kasimovs, the Kasimovs to whom ideology meant something. For what reason had he been relieved...for those who still had the ambition, imaginiation and the drive to command?

That might be a bit more clear.

Now I've got to go...but I will be back to finish this. Oy - a long chapter, DD; though worth the read, doubtless. ^_^

(NOTE: This just to keep my place and find where I left off...next post will be continued, new. !_! Though I doubt I'll be able to finish even now.)

IMP

ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."

-Lloyd Alexander

Poor Imp

Gender

Points 14789

Reviews 483

Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:34 am

Poor Imp says... · Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:34 am

(continued)

You want my papers, dammit? Shan rasped, gasping for air. Fine. See
this? He let go of the wall with effort and pulled his rumpled certification out of
his jacket. He threw it at them but it landed on the floor at their feet, pages
flying. Fine, take it. Take all of it. He threw his sheath at them and they parted
quickly, shoving each other back. Let me the hell out of here.

Either italicised or perhaps broken into new paragraphs? As it is, Shan's voice runs into the description and the impression becomes somewhat vague rather than fierce. Aside from that, it all flows well. (You're varying your sentences - much better balance. ^_^)

He pulled the kid off-balance and down back into his
seat and shoved Livny back, breaking the Kasimov’s grip on the captain’s/[i] collar
before the meth-maratime could land a blow that would have broken Livny’s
nose

The action is a bit confused with how many nouns name the actors. The kid...is a Kasimov? He is then the Kasimov whose grip is broken? Livny is Kasimov or meth? Is the meth-maratime then a fourth person in the altercation? So it's Shan, the 'kid', Livny...and the meth-maratime who would have broken it up with something rather more violent than Shan's intervention?

Ah, if that is any clearer for my tangling - hopefully. Perhaps if - though repetitious - the kid remained the kid or the 'young captain' (is he?) it would make things flow more easily. Long sentences are always the ones to be revised...the longer the more things there are to agree, and less simple it is to get them too. !_!''

Shan nodded minimally back at him - unholy hammered on the entire Aeiso
campaign - and looked beyond Livny to the captain.

Despite its oddity, 'unholy hammered' is too amusing a phrase for plastered, and too vivid, not be both amusing and pointed. It works well with Shan's attitude towards Livny. ^_^

“You mean like you?” Livny said poisonously, prying his fingers off and
fixing him [i]with that cold, pale-eyed stare. He jerked his jacket straight and got
up again, going back to recover his original seat a row up.

That cold, pale-eyed stare is something then that Shan has experienced before? It sticks out...as if the reader ought to know it. It might be more even, and more affecting to make it ...'...fixed him with a cold, pale-eyed stare.

Then for Livny's action - dramatic and contemptous - could you use a word less diffident than 'going'? A suggestion; I'm a bit tired, but perhaps 'making to recover his seat, 'wheeling/reeling away to recover...'

Now I'm stuck in the middle again, and I haven't hardly gone more than slightly in depth on what I already read.

Oy.. DD, I hope to see the next bit soon. ^_^
(to be continued)

ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."

-Lloyd Alexander

Dream Deep

Gender

Points 5890

Reviews 504

Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:50 am

Dream Deep says... · Tue Aug 15, 2006 12:50 am

Poor Imp wrote:(continued)
Either italicised or perhaps broken into new paragraphs? As it is, Shan's voice runs into the description and the impression becomes somewhat vague rather than fierce. Aside from that, it all flows well. (You're varying your sentences - much better balance. ^_^)

Lol, no longer quite so Dostoyevsky-ish? Hehehe... worship me. ^_~ The reason I didn't put quotes or italics or anything was because I had just read something in that style and I thought I'd give it a try. But perhaps it is just a bit confusing for the purposes of the Chair...

The action is a bit confused with how many nouns name the actors. The kid...is a Kasimov? He is then the Kasimov whose grip is broken? Livny is Kasimov or meth? Is the meth-maratime then a fourth person in the altercation? So it's Shan, the 'kid', Livny...and the meth-maratime who would have broken it up with something rather more violent than Shan's intervention?

Yeah, the kid is a Kasimov (but not the Kasimov who's grip is broken, that would be Livny, lol) and Livny is also a Kasimov. The only meth-maritime there is the captain. So yes, that last part's prefectly right: It's Shan, the 'kid', Livny... and the meth-maritime whol would have broken it up with something rather more violent than Shan's intervention. Heh, I didn't really see it as confusing when I wrote it - I grew too use to what I was trying to say - but now that you point it out... Hmmmm. Any ideas on how to make that cleaner? A little more... clear?

Despite its oddity, 'unholy hammered' is too amusing a phrase for plastered, and too vivid, not be both amusing and pointed. It works well with Shan's attitude towards Livny. ^_^

I know, I know... lol, I couldn't resist putting that in. My parent's may not find it so amusing, but I think it fits.

That cold, pale-eyed stare is something then that Shan has experienced before? It sticks out...as if the reader ought to know it. It might be more even, and more affecting to make it ...'...fixed him with a cold, pale-eyed stare.

Yeah, you have to remember that Shan knows Livny from before, in the Kasimovs. Livny's something of a tempermental... jerk, so Shan's had plenty of cold glares from him before, even when they were serving together - but if you think it fits better differently, I'd be more than glad to change it. I just wanted to stress that this isn't the first time they've met.

Thanks very much Imp. (Lol, always a pleasure to get an in-depth "Imp-crit" as Reas calls them). I really appreciate it and will be making the suggested changes to the next draft of Chapter 3. ^_^

Thanks. :wink:

Alteran

Gender

Points 9022

Reviews 647

Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:01 am

Alteran says... · Tue Aug 15, 2006 5:01 am

I've critted on this on TSR but i just wanted to know how the next part was coming?

Oh and i noticed all of your revisions well most of them and looks even better than it did when i read it the first time and mind you it looked really good then. I like love your story. I really do. I've never read anything like it before and is kinda draws you in. I'm more of a story guy than a fine tuning guy. ya know? I see the potential of the story more than i see Grammar stuff. not that i haven't gotten better at the grammar but anywho....

Great work and i cant wait for the next part.

"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective

Dream Deep

Gender

Points 5890

Reviews 504

Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:43 pm

Dream Deep says... · Tue Aug 15, 2006 7:43 pm

Awww. I love you. *hugs* Heh...

You're so nice. You deserve a cookie. *offers cookie...*

Well. I would have gotten the rewrite and continuation posted today but for the fact that my computer ate Chapter Four yesterday and hence I have to re-type everything. I'm going to try to get it in this week... likely delete this thread (lol, this is a learning thread) and post a new one with everything trimmed, revised, edited and continued on, that way we've got a clean workspace.

Thanks Adam. Lol, ya just made my day.

*dances...* :wink:

Wiggy

Gender

Points 1586

Reviews 402

Wed Aug 16, 2006 1:25 am

Wiggy says... · Wed Aug 16, 2006 1:25 am

DD *sighs*-I'm stealing your writing talent! *headdesk* It's just not fair how awesome you write!
All right, you know how I promised you a crit? Well, if my stupid brain had remembered, my stupid crit would be up here now! It's just that everyone else beat me to it-and now what's the point of repeating them? All I can say is that I thoroughly enjoyed it and when you have the edited version up, I promise I'll crit that. That's a PROMISE!!!!! *I won't forget, I won't forget, chanting in head*
Awesome job! Three cheers to one of the bst writers on the site! *clinks champagne glasses with everyone*
And Russo feel? I quite agree.

Wiggy

"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

Got YWS?

Dream Deep

Gender

Points 5890

Reviews 504

Wed Aug 16, 2006 1:33 am

Dream Deep says... · Wed Aug 16, 2006 1:33 am

Awww. Lol, you get a cookie too. ^_^

Not fair how awesome I write?! ...(says the girl who totally blew me away with Inscription...) :roll:

But I'm glad you enjoyed it. Lol, I'll try getting the new draft and the continuation up either tomorrow or the day after. And ya remember those terrible obscure haikus? Lol, they'll be in your inbox should you forget to pay me a visit. ^_~

But no... thank you very much Wiggy. I really value your opinion and advice and I can only help but feel that I"m undeserving of such support.

Hehehe... *dances*

Here, have another cookie. :wink:

Wiggy

Gender

Points 1586

Reviews 402

Wed Aug 16, 2006 8:28 pm

Wiggy says... · Wed Aug 16, 2006 8:28 pm

Oh shut up! *showers DD with cookies* You rock at writing and you know it! ^_^

I'm glad you like Inscription so much. Us twins just have all the writing talent, eh? *steals all of writing talent from rest of YWS member while DD isn't looking* See?

"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

Got YWS?

Dream Deep

Gender

Points 5890

Reviews 504

Wed Aug 16, 2006 9:47 pm

Dream Deep says... · Wed Aug 16, 2006 9:47 pm

Lol... ^_~ *munches happily on cookies*

Sam

Gender

Points 6090

Reviews 1258

Thu Aug 17, 2006 4:35 am

Sam says... · Thu Aug 17, 2006 4:35 am

I shall do this by section, just because it's easier that way...

SECTION ONE:

THINGS YOU DID WELL:

- Your third paragraph. The description of the book was very real- it was (how to put this?) important in an unimportant way.

THINGS THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:

- Wordiness. Wordiness is bad- especially when you're trying to impress your readers in the beginning. A way to cut down on all the extras is just to keep it as a general rule that there's only one adjective for each noun (if you want for more of a flowy, lyrical feel, you can have more, but only if placed strategically).

A good example of wordiness is 'sheer, gauzy, white' curtains, which could also be 'gauzy' curtains, just because all three of those words hint at one another.

- Don't mention yourself (as the narrator) objectively, unless you do it throughout the piece- which you don't. The only time you did this was in the last line of the introduction. The only reason it doesn't work for this piece is because the rest of your piece is very plain and 'cold'- a contrast to a homey, warm feeling that is created by having the 'I' narrator.

SECTION TWO:

STUFF YOU DID WELL:

- The starkness in your description was very beautiful- in an odd way. You've definitely found your own personal style, which is very good for a writer.

- When you're describing the coat, you have a section that begins, "Beautiful? Yes it was." That whole bit about who what people must believe in was very good- and not in-your-face preachy, as you'd expect it to be.

- 'He had fought so many battles in heavy, long black.' This is one of the most impressive introductory lines I think I've ever read...and the rest of it follows up in coolness. Good job.

- The comments on falling- definitely original. Definitely makes you think. Definitely opens up a window into Shan's character. (Three-in-one description? Always a bonus.)

STUFF THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:

- When describing the Strazhas, you use the phrase, 'good deal of a harder time'. Ah...awkward.

- The dream sequence doesn't make a whole lot of sense because there is no obvious threat to Shan because of the Strazha- so why is he trying to get a way? Embellish a little.

- You slipped into Contemporary Mode a few times, using phrases like 'for crying out loud' and 'like it would matter'. Eek! (Hehe, that's okay. I do the same thing quite a lot...except it's worse when I do it for my alternative history. But! Always better to be safe than sorry.)

- You mention that Shan is 'irritated' with himself for leaving out the coat, right after he's spent a good ten minutes reminiscing about it. This would be a good time to either fix that- or show off how completely out of it he is. No matter what you pick, it's going to take a little work.

- Don't mention your character's full name more than once in narration. There are a lot sneakier ways to fit it in...(Context: 'Shan Tefur fingered the silver
stars on the collar and sat back down on the bed.')

- You repeat yourself, saying 'Not like it mattered' in the same paragraph as above.

SECTION THREE (which was my favorite):

- The first line. Gah, if only the rest of us could knock 'em flat like that...

- The Navy vs. Kasimov conflict was very, very good. Why? It got in that little 'male competitiveness' aspect, and it's just plain creative, the way you mix playful and cutthroat activity.

- The fight that Shan gets in when he's told he might have to fall in rank was made wholly better by the comment about the wedding ring. So simple, yet it's so memorable...and it's creative. There are no impossible-to-recover from knife slashes, which are unoriginal. :wink:

- You've got a very balanced-leaning-toward-femine syle- which is great in a story mainly about men and the military. Why? When most people write about war *cough* me *cough*, they get caught up in the 'how many cool, emotionless fight scenes can I fit in'? Eventually, it's all about choreography and not about character- which is bad.

Now, when your writing is a little girlish but still accessible- you're going to gain a much larger audience. And this audience is likely going to experience something they never have before.

THINGS THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:

(Only one this time. :wink:

)

- Don't restate your character's name after the introductory paragraph. Why? It's from Shan's POV- which we already know. Don't bore us with already learned facts. (Which is really all the character's name is.)

Another reason I'm picky about this- it sounds forced when you have your character's name dropped in every other sentence. Like all forms of 'name-dropping', it's kind of tacky and planned, in a way. It's trying to impress with the prestige.

(Context: Shan Azov Tefur sighed and put his head down, feeling the beginnings of
a headache pounding back behind his eyes.)

Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin

Dream Deep

Gender

Points 5890

Reviews 504

Thu Aug 17, 2006 12:58 pm

Dream Deep says... · Thu Aug 17, 2006 12:58 pm

*whistles* Thanks Sam, for the hefty crit. ^_~ A few questions though..

Sam wrote:- Your third paragraph. The description of the book was very real- it was (how to put this?) important in an unimportant way.

Lol, inportant in an unimportant way? Not quite sure I follow you...

- When describing the Strazhas, you use the phrase, 'good deal of a harder time'. Ah...awkward.

Ah, that's what Imp said. Sorry about that - I'll rewrite it for the second draft. ^_~

- The dream sequence doesn't make a whole lot of sense because there is no obvious threat to Shan because of the Strazha- so why is he trying to get a way? Embellish a little.

Yeeahhhh.... well, the danger in the dream scene and indeed the initial problem becomes obvious the farther you get in the story. I mean really obvious. Blatently obvious. But if you still feel it needs som embellishment, what would you suggest? ^_^

- You slipped into Contemporary Mode a few times, using phrases like 'for crying out loud' and 'like it would matter'. Eek! (Hehe, that's okay. I do the same thing quite a lot...except it's worse when I do it for my alternative history. But! Always better to be safe than sorry.)

Lol, I know, I know. I do that. I'm so bad. ^_~ Any ideas... on substitutes?

- You mention that Shan is 'irritated' with himself for leaving out the coat, right after he's spent a good ten minutes reminiscing about it. This would be a good time to either fix that- or show off how completely out of it he is. No matter what you pick, it's going to take a little work.

Ooh, pick me, pick me! I want to show off how completely out of it he is! (Lol, I just don't know how. Any ideas on that...?)

- You repeat yourself, saying 'Not like it mattered' in the same paragraph as above.

Repetition to reinforce. Lol, not so good?

I think it's (a) weird and (b) awesome that you liked Part III the best... lol, it's the one I like the least. It was hard to write. ^_~

- You've got a very balanced-leaning-toward-femine syle- which is great in a story mainly about men and the military. Why? When most people write about war *cough* me *cough*, they get caught up in the 'how many cool, emotionless fight scenes can I fit in'? Eventually, it's all about choreography and not about character- which is bad.

Now, when your writing is a little girlish but still accessible- you're going to gain a much larger audience. And this audience is likely going to experience something they never have before.

Awww... "something they never have before"? Lol, it feels like I'm in Gladiator. :wink:

But no, thank you. Does it really seem girlish, though? Hm, perhaps that's an aspect of all that angst... ^_~ And I like Shan too much to give him an impossible-to-recover-from kinfe wound. A slap across the face suffices. ^_~

- Don't restate your character's name after the introductory paragraph. Why? It's from Shan's POV- which we already know. Don't bore us with already learned facts. (Which is really all the character's name is.)

Ah. I was trying to mix it up a bit, so that everything didn't start with he, but you're probably right... :oops:

Thank you very much, Sam for the crit, the suggestions and advice.^_^

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources