Forget Me Not(prologue)

I had tears in my eyes when I finished reading this. It was amazing! A very nice prolouge it was organized perfectly, ad you've set yourself up for a novel with great potential! I cannot wait to read more! Keep on writing!

I agree with June3. This almost made me cry, which is definately a good thing. If I feel something when I read a book, I know that it's a story i'm going to remember. I hope you post more to this story soon, since I really want to know what happens next. Was that the end of the prologue, or is there more to it?

Right, you asked for it June and Madi have both mentioned the emotional aspect, so I shan't. Enough has been said on that score. Instead, I shall address some technical issues.

First, formatting. There are a few relatively minor things you could change to make the whole piece a little more streamlined and easier to read. Firstly, justify left, not centered. It makes it difficult to determine where the line breaks are when it is centered. Second, line breaks. Each new speaker warrants a new paragraph. This helps the reader keep track of which character is saying what.

Second, miscellaneous bits and pieces.

he lept to his feet

Spelling. "Leapt" (British) or "leaped" (American).

his sour breath smelling sour from the alcohol

Unnecessary repetition. Sour breath smelling sour? Who would have thought?

releasing me from his grasp. So I ran for it.

Sentence beginning with an indefinite adverb. Change to either "...releasing me from his grasp, so I ran..." Or "...releasing me from his grasp. I ran..."

But he leapt to his feet

Sentence beginning with a conjunction. A big no-no. Either remove it, or add a clause before it. For example, "I made a few meters of ground, but he leapt to his feet..."

his black eyes burning like hot coals.

Confusing description. Cool coals are black, hot coals are various shades of red or orange. Are his eyes black of red?

almost sincerely apologetic with his words, but not truly.

Unnecessary quantifier. Being almost sincere would amount to not being sincere, right? There is no need to then point out the insincerity.

"I wish it wasn't like this...", "it barely hurts..."

Unnecessary use of ellipses. Ellipses are used to signify an extended pause during one speaker's sentence, or a sentence that peters out, incomplete. Even so, while these uses are technically correct, try to avoid using them at all.

And then everything went black.

Again, beginning a sentence with a conjunction. You must have clauses on both sides of a conjunction. Also, this is a bit of a cliche way to end a chapter. If you've ever read Deltora Quest, you'll notice that Emily Rodda ends most of her chapters this way. Lief spends half the series unconscious. It's amazing he doesn't have brain damage!

Allow me to rewrite, with the suggested changes (along with some other, minor changes):

At first I thought I'd imagined it. The flash of anger, the blur coming at me from the corner of my eye. The sting where his open hand collided with my jaw, my skin flaming. Again, when his fist made contact with my eye, producing blotches of light everywhere I looked. I reached up and felt a bruise blooming around my eye, swelling it almost shut. He shoved me up against the wall, his breath smelling sour from the alcohol, hot on my face.
"God damn moron, god dammit boy," he growled, his eyes burning like hot coals.
"I...am...not!" I shouted, spitting on him. He loosened his grip, and I slammed my knee into his groin. He moaned and doubled over in pain, completely releasing me from his grasp. I ran for it, but he leapt to his feet and grabbed me, pinning back to the wall.
"Asshole," I whispered, my breath fogging in the cold December air. He just shook his head and sighed. "I wish it wasn't like this," he said and patted me on the shoulder, almost sincerely apologetic with his words. "Just relax son. Once you get used to it, it barely hurts." I don't remember much after that.

So, I've spent a bit of time ripping into you, now the good stuff.

First, good descriptions. Skin flaming from a slap, the scent of breath, cold air, burning eyes. This helps create a tangible environment, without bombarding the reader with description after description. Good.

Second, short sentences. The snappy delivery gives the impression of flashes of lucidity, and rapid action. A good use of this technique.

Third, good stylistic awareness. A prologue should not reveal too much about the characters, or even set the scene. It should sketch a brief, but important, vignette without giving too much away. You've pretty much nailed this. All the reader knows from the prologue is that you have two male characters, one older and one younger. The older one is enacting some sort of violence on the younger, and the younger is trying to escape. We have no description of the characters (apart from alcohol-breath and a bruised eye) or of the environment (other than it's cold), but you have the scaffold on which to build the rest of your story.

I don't often review stories, but I've enjoyed this. Hope it helps, PM me for more discussion.

K.