4pt suicide note

touch-texting typing
microcosms of what we mean.
abbreviating our names.
writing them in pixels.
unfriended my friend
the other day, walled her off my wall,
snapped in my limbs like hinges and
minimised myself.

Hi!

Now, um, I not really sure how to review this because of its shortness, but I shall try anyway.

1. Puntuation. Red marks for the need of capitalization, blue for comments and other stuff.

fhwdf wrote:touch-texting typing
microcosms of what we mean. Now, from poetry what I've learned is that, the simplier the words, the more you impress. Poetry is all about trying and giving meaning using simple words, which amaze the reader. So, try avoiding big words. Same for the below blue mark.
abbreviating our names.
writing them in pixels.
unfriended my friend
the other day, walled her off my wall,
snapped in my limbs like hinges and
minimised myself.

Okay. After every fullstop the next line MUST (Okay, maybe not MUST must, but yeah) start with a capital. Depending on the feeling your trying to give through your poem, of course. Please don't feel bad, but this didn't give me the feel. It was more like reading my science text book more than anything else.

So, um, I hope I wasn't to mean, and forgive me if I was. But, this was my opinion n it after all. Somebody will have something different, as we all do.

Hope this helped.
-TMuffs.

I'm really not so sure about the title. I mean when I read a title like this I don't generally read the piece itself -- typically I shuffle it into a file marked in bold Teen Angest, and be damned. But this isn't really the same. It is not an angry rant, but it is still rather contrived and although you conjure a couple of images, their is no undercurrent, no rubric, nothing that leaves me attuned, or empathetic. When a piece is lacking a strong theme(or when the theme is the surface, that is to say literal throughout) it is as glaring as pink sockets without eyes, a grin without teeth. The only real hint in this piece is the reference to her, but I feel it wasn't a metaphor, but a series of things people do when they 'unfriend' someone. Also the minimised myself line was the strongest of all, but it still left me wanting, it is still rather literal, considering the act itself seems to take place entirely on the internet -- I am sure of this, but I shouldn't be because it's a poem, damn it.

Anyway hope this all makes sense, sometimes I lose myself in my reviews.

JP

I agree with that other post. I though this was gonna be some huge thing about personal b. s. And about someone screaming for attention. On the contrary, this was kinda cool the it sounds like a personal decomposition of one's personal social or connection tolerance. I think it sounds quite "real" in 2 of the lines. I would change the title to something a little more existential based on the content of the poem. Keep writing, you seem to have the knack for expression!

p.s. I liked the mono word

Wow, I like the length. I think this is so real. I admit, I thought it was going to be really angsty and cliched, but it's not. It's short and concise, and absolutely true. This is, for me, what it actually is like. It's the small things, not loud, dramatic cries for help. We DO minimize ourselves AND feel minimized. I also like how you totally refrained from giving off the feeling of being victimized vibe. Ah, I love this so much. Continue writing, you're really very talented

I have to say that I clicked out of curiosity. It's a thing I tend to do.

I like this poem, though, and the realism it bestows upon the reader. I like your un-capitalisation and your vocabulary and the meanings of absolutely everything you wrote in here. I also agree that the title ought to be changed to something - only if you see fit. It's just a tad bit fitting as it is, but I know how difficult it can be to change a title or think of another one. I love the meaning behind this poem, and I love the words you use to show that meaning. The meaning you mean to show the readers, that is.

The only thing I hold against this - a very minor issue - is the lack of punctuation between the first line and the second, when you hold such an emphasis on punctuation in the remaining lines of the poem. Perhaps a comma there, to keep the flow going and not interrupt it totally, relating it to microcosms but keeping it in itself at the same time.