Tell a joke

I've been feeling stressed recently, and i think this is a good way yo release stress. Anyone got ORIGINAL jokes to post? Well i will start.

What language do ducks, chicken, turkeys, and geese speak?
They speak fowl language!

I have a dirty joke...

mud.

Also, what's brown and sticky? A stick.

Things To Do In An Elevator....

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly.

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

A girl once said "Talk dirty to me." so I looked her in the eye and said "Socks."


So a string walked into a bar, and the bartender told him
"I'm sorry sir we don't serve strings here."
So the string walked outside tied itself into several knots and messed up his hair,
waited a few hours and walked back into the bar.
The bartender said to him
"Look I've told you before buddy we don't serve strings here"
The string looks at the bartender and says
"I'm a frayed knot"

A cellphone asks another cellphone "Why are you wearing glasses?".

The other cellphone replies "A lost my contacts."

BA DUM TSS

Bahahahah

BahahahahAHAHhaha Lol Danny.

Here's mine:

A men walked into a libary. "Where can I find the book "Men: a Perfect being?" He asks the lady on the counter.

She points to her right with her finger and says, "Over there, in the Science-Fiction section!"

xD I did this one.

finally got another one

Question: what is the source of gravity?

Answer: soy sauce i know, sweet sauce even, chiili sauce i also know, but grabity sauce, i've never heard of before

i-ran the ship aground, I-raq-ed it soon after...

Where does Napoleon keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one says: "I'll have a pint, please."

And the second one says: "I'll have half a pint, please."

The third says: "I'll have a quarter pint, please."

And the fourth says: "I'll have an eighth pint, please."

The barman looks up, annoyed. "I see where this is going," he says, and pours two pints.

In the living room the curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.