Mother

Not sure where this goes.
***********
EDITED:

the façade is crumbling
revealing in truth,
a mere mortal woman
betrayed by the uncaring eyes of her son.
tears I never knew you could shed
fall in the cool depths of the night.
rage I never knew you could feel,
ripped through the photos under the bed.
pain I never knew you could experience
revealing cracks and seams in your face

I’m sorry.

mum, come back to me.
immersed in a sea of drugs
numb to the pain,
but numb to love as well.
mum, come back to me
from the flashflood of abuse

I'm sorry

in the light of remembrance,
it all becomes clear.
anoint me with your tears mother,
let me know you care.
your tirades, your scorn, your fear;
exposed as what they are.
let it end now.
I want the stony, strong woman gone,
inflexible and implacable but easy to crack
and the gentle mother I knew,
the smiling, laughing mummy back.

I'm sorry

WOW! What enormous insight! You have really captured the emotion in this piece. Very powerful stuff. Outstanding!

Yes, I certainly agree with Blue Haze. That was a truly powerful and moving piece. The emotions presented are very, very strong. Great job!

Thank you. This is just something I felt needed to be expressed. It is infact entirely true. But again, thank you for your comments.

Cold, distanced, unfeeling, and strong;
This is what you are.
Happy, close, nice, and wise;
This is what you are not.

This list of adjetives is overworn, repetitive and annoying. It has no poetic flow. Just drop it.

I think you need closure to your paragraphs. They end awkwardly, covered up with the quick "I'm sorry." And about those - I think you need to make it more clear exactly what you're sorry about. I can infer, but since that seems to be such an important part of the poem, I shouldn't have to.

Mum, come back to me.
Submerged in the lap of drugs,
Numb to the pain,
But numb to the love as well.
Mum, come back to me.

It's nice that you tried repetition, but that's a hard skill to do properly. I'd just leave it out. Simplicity can work nicely, but I seem to like it when you incorporate more of your vocaulary and images - work off of that next time.

Howdy, there, Jiggy! I'm going to try and do as you requested! I'm all the colourful fonts.


Cold, distanced, unfeeling, and strong;
This is what you are.
Happy, close, nice, and wise;
This is what you are not.

with this stanza, you're setting the stage almost too simplistically (? I don't think that's the right word at all.. forgive my lack of articulate-ness tonight). I'd almost say you could but this out, and start with the next stanza. It'd be more powerful, especially with the first line of the next stanza. I like it lots

Or so I thought. I’m sorry I'd move this up to the previous stanza, or, if you go with what I said above.. put it where teh first repitition is.. and start with "the facade si crumbling".. but I really like that line, so I'm working around it..

The façade is crumbling;
And you are revealed in truth alone, what if you put a comma in the lien above in place of a semi-colon, and then "revealing in truth a mortal woman"
As a mere mortal woman,
Betrayed by the uncaring eyes of your son.I like this line, but "uncaring" feels a bit off.. "clear", maybe? or something along those lines.. I think that's the image you're going for, though
Tears I never knew you shed,
Fall in the cool depths of the night,
Rage I never knew you felt,
Ripped through the photos under the bed,
Pain I never knew you experienced,
Spreading cracks in your face

I read this twice before I figured out what bugged me about this.. I think you want more uncertianity in the lines "tears... shed", "Rage.. felt", and "Pain.. experienced", so what you you did (for the first one), "tears I never knew you could coudl shed".. or not. my mind's doing strange things, tonight. But it would make the lines more parallel, and give it more "umph".

I’m sorry.

In the light of remembrance,
It all becomes clear.
Anoint me with your tears mother,
Let me know you care.
Your tirades, your scorn, your fear;
Exposed as what they are.
Let it end now.
I want the stony, strong woman gone,
And the gentle mother I knew back;
The smiling, laughing mother,
Washed away by the flashflood of abuse.

ah, I liked this 'til the 5th line.. it feels to prose-ish for me.. but that's me. I think it's the use of semi-colons.. and teh 7th line to the end are more telling than showing.. and, um.. abuse? it was a very sudden reference, really. Maybe.. take the stanza below abd put it above this one? I think that might work.. but this is all me.. and i've started nit-picking, haven't I?

I’m sorry

Mum, come back to me.
Submerged in the lap of drugs,
Numb to the pain,
But numb to the love as well. ix-nay on the "the"..
Mum, come back to me.

I'm sorry


I like how you incoperate the line "I'm sorry" in this.. parallel, btu not, but you also have smaller parallels throughout, but that really makes it work. I apologise; this is far more in-depth than I believe you wanted.. but I think you can make this work quite well!

Whilst I prefer the first 2 comments, I do appreciate yours, thank you. I'll try and do as you said and we shall see what emerges.

The façade is crumbling,
Revealing in truth,
A mere mortal woman,
Betrayed by the uncaring eyes of her son.
Tears I never knew you could shed,
Fall in the cool depths of the night,
Rage I never knew you could feel,
Ripped through the photos under the bed,
Pain I never knew you could experience,
Revealing cracks and seams in your face

I’m sorry.

Mum, come back to me.
Immersed in a sea of drugs,
Numb to the pain,
But numb to love as well.
Mum, come back to me
from the flashflood of abuse

In the light of remembrance,
It all becomes clear.
Anoint me with your tears mother,
Let me know you care.
Your tirades, your scorn, your fear;
Exposed as what they are.
Let it end now.
I want the stony, strong woman gone,
Inflexible and implacable but easy to crack
And the gentle mother I knew,
The smiling, laughing mummy back,


I’m sorry

Hooyah, JigSaw.

I think this is the best poem I've read on YWS. Kudos. You've earned my respect and admiration. Wonderfully well done.




-Dream Deep

Thats a big accolade which I probably dont deserve but I thank you nonetheless. Its much appreciated.

Cheers.

Hi Jiggy,

-The poem has good elements, apparently.
-Others here have seen these good elements.

I tend to go hard on
morose, hopeless, blizzardedly ((okay, this is fun))
assertive-loser poems.

-When the poem finished on these lines:
"the smiling, laughing mummy back, / I'm sorry."
I asked myself:

-what kind of sentence is this?
-if not deliberate nostalgia (the effects of which are incalculable delusions, paranoia, and so on), is the speaker recanting his earlier truffle about the "mummy" being a "mere mortal"?

-no, I think not. It's literally an American Standard Plathitude
but without Plath's intelligibility.

-and on that note, you have two senses operating here. you have your mother as a "mummy" -- an embalmed, wrapped-up body or else the affectionable term we give our parents at a young age.

-I don't know what this poem is trying to do: inform me,
entertain me, raise my empathetic-quotient
or what?

It's like a soul-sucker
with an ughy repetition.

-I hate to be rough on a poem. I leaven negativity with puns.

In result, I walk off from the poem to find something more positive for prophylaxis.
Ben and Jerry's, or maybe read the Posturing Codswalloper again.
I like whimsy. Mostly, I like poems for life.

There's too much celebration of the morbid, personal side in too much of poetry.

My opinions also allow that tastes must vary as much as Oedipal complexes.


Oedipally yours,
Brad

That made no sense whatsoever to me. Just say 'I do/nt like it' next time, sheesh.