Jesters (chapter 1)

*PROLOUGE*
Okay so lets get something straight here. First, Were not real jesters, thats just our code name. Second, were a whole team of supers made in the same facility but, we had real parents. And third, we were sometimes un-predictable with our powers.
There are 5 of us to our team. There was Honey who was 6, had curly blonde hair and she could morph into anyone and or anything. Now Ozzy was tall and lanky he could control others with his mind and read there thoughts. Also there was shadow who could melt into the shadows and control them (hense his name). Then there was Flicker who was super fast and could fly but he got annoying sometimes and couldn't keep his mouth shut. Lastly, there was me, Macy, who could mold myself into any shape since my dad was elastic-man,so, its pretty self explanatory. So thats our life pretty much. Oh! Also we have things called Jackals Which hunt us. Let's get on with this story.

"Hey!" I shouted at Flicker who was attempting to freak some people out at the mall by hovering above the ground. I smacked his shoulder and he dropped against the ground. He scowled at m and continued walking toward the giant building towering in front of us. Honey looked up at me, her blue eyes full of excitement.
"Where are we going first?" She questioned. I shrugged and kept on walking. Once we were in there Honey ran right over to the toy store and snatched a light brown teddy bear off the display and ran back holding it out to me.
"Can I get it! Please, Please, Please, Pleeeeaaaaassseee!" She pleaded desperately looking up at me. I shook my head "no" and she frowned.
"Fine, I'll get it myself.." She mumbled mischeviously ( I know I didn't spell it right, calm down.) She walked back into the store placed the bear carefully back on the shelf and walked into the girls bathroom. I raised an eyebrow and followed her in. I didn't see her little princess sneakers but I did see purple and white high tops and my eyes widened when I noticed what Honey had morphed into or who Honey morphed into. Justin Bieber walked out of the stall and shot a smile at me. I gave him a dark frown.
"Hey babe what are you doing here? You looking fine." He cooed.

"Honey, I swear to god if you do this...." I growled and stretched my hand out to trap her but she ducked under it and ran outside. She ran down to the toy store and a whole bunch of girls swarmed around her. They buzzed with compliments and laughter as she reached for the bear. Ozzy, Shadow and Flicker just stared holding back laughs. Honey ran back into the bathroom with the bear and I'm assuming she morphed back because the girls scattered after awhile. Honey emerged with her bear and triumphantly marched over to us showing off her bear.
"What was that?" Shadow asked, obviously referring to the stunt she had just played.

"This bear was so cute and fluffy..." She replied holding her bear out.

"Well, you want to reveal us to the world?" Ozzy hissed. She shook her head and clutched her bear closer.

"Don't do it again.." I spat and walked down the mall. Shadow was carrying Honey now and Ozzy was reading everyones minds, you could tell because he kind of stares at the person. We wondered into every different kind of store you can think of.
" I don't like these feelings I'm getting.." Ozzy murmured and continued walking toward the Apple store. When we got in there the man shot me a menacing look and every inch of my body was screaming "Run away! Danger! Danger!". I kept an eye on him as he came up to everyone of the jesters. Then I realized what he was. Shadow shot me a look as well as Ozzy who looked worried with my thoughts. Everyone of the jesters scrambled out of the store and watched him as he watched us. When Honey finally got curious she morphed into an older woman and hobbled into the store. Then that's when it happened. He ripped out of his skin and became a muscley, bronze beef head. A jackyal

A very interesting idea. I liked how you had the kids with powers and I liked how they were hunted. I am interested in seeing what the plot is for this story.

First off for my critting, I think that you need to run your story through a spell checker, because there were several instances where you were missing apostrophes (in the first paragraph of the prologue) and there were a couple of other easily found spelling mistakes. I'm certain that you could find them yourself, but feel free to PM me if you want me to point them out.

Secondly, I have some questions as to what is actually going on in the story. You say that they are a team, but what exactly do they do? Why do they have such a gap between ages in the team members? You only tell us Honey's age, but I am assuming that the rest of them aren't 6 years old. Why are they being hunted by the Jackals? Are they the natural enemies to the 'facility?' Finally, what are they doing at the mall? Are they on the run from the facility? Are they on a mission for the facility? Are they just hanging out at the mall?

I think that you do really have a decent plot, I just think that you need to add in a few more key details to fully explain this world that you have created. I think that if you answer these questions then you will have a really great written work. I am interested in what the plot is and what the characters will be going through, so I wish you luck on your writing.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

- Tatra

*PROLOUGE* It's spelled Prologue

Okay so lets get something straight here. First, Were we're not real jesters, thatsthat's just our code name. Second, werewe're a whole team of supers made in the same facility but, we had real parents. And third, we were sometimes un-predictable with our powers.

There are 5 of us to our team. There was Honey, who was 6, had curly blonde hair and she could morph into anyone and or anything. Now Ozzy was tall and lanky he could control others with his mind and read theretheir thoughts. Also there was sShadow who could melt into the shadows and control them (hense his name). Then there was Flicker who was super fast and could fly but he got annoying sometimes and couldn't keep his mouth shut. Lastly, there was me, Macy, who could mold myself into any shape since my dad was elastic-man,so, its pretty self explanatory. So thatsthat's our life pretty much. Oh! Also we have things called Jackals Wwhich hunt us. Let's get on with this story.

CHAPTER 1


"Hey!" I shouted at Flicker who was attempting to freak some people out at the mall by hovering above the ground. I smacked his shoulder and he dropped against the ground. He scowled at mme and continued walking toward the giant building towering in front of us. Honey looked up at me, her blue eyes full of excitement.

"Where are we going first?" She questioned. I shrugged and kept on walking. Once we were in there Honey ran right over to the toy store and snatched a light brown teddy bear off the display and ran back holding it out to me.

"Can I get it! Please, Please, Please, Pleeeeaaaaassseee!" She pleaded desperately looking up at me. I shook my head "no" and she frowned.

"Fine, I'll get it myself.." She mumbled mischeviouslymischievously ( I know I didn't spell it right, calm down.) She walked back into the store placed the bear carefully back on the shelf and walked into the girls bathroom. I raised an eyebrow and followed her in. I didn't see her little princess sneakers but I did see purple and white high tops and my eyes widened when I noticed what Honey had morphed into or who Honey morphed into. Justin Bieber walked out of the stall and shot a smile at me. I gave him a dark frown.

"Hey babe what are you doing here? You looking fine." He cooed.

"Honey, I swear to god if you do this...." I growled and stretched my hand out to trap her but she ducked under it and ran outside. She ran down to the toy store and a whole bunch of girls swarmed around her. They buzzed with compliments and laughter as she reached for the bear. Ozzy, Shadow and Flicker just stared holding back laughs. Honey ran back into the bathroom with the bear and I'm assuming she morphed back because the girls scattered after awhile. Honey emerged with her bear and triumphantly marched over to us showing off her bear.

"What was that?" Shadow asked, obviously referring to the stunt she had just played.

"This bear was so cute and fluffy..." She replied holding her bear out.

"Well, you want to reveal us to the world?" Ozzy hissed. She shook her head and clutched her bear closer.

"Don't do it again.." I spat and walked down the mall. Shadow was carrying Honey now and Ozzy was reading everyoneseveryone's minds, you could tell because he kind of stares at the person. We wondered into every different kind of store you can think of.

" I don't like these feelings I'm getting.." Ozzy murmured and continued walking toward the Apple store. When we got in there the man shot me a menacing look and every inch of my body was screaming "Run away! Danger! Danger!". I kept an eye on him as he came up to everyone of the jesters. Then I realized what he was. Shadow shot me a look as well as Ozzy who looked worried with my thoughts. Everyone of the jesters scrambled out of the store and watched him as he watched us. When Honey finally got curious she morphed into an older woman and hobbled into the store. Then that's when it happened. He ripped out of his skin and became a muscleymuscly, bronze beef head. A jackyalJackal.

Well I have to say I loved this idea but I believe you need to describe more. Such as in the prologue why not describe the facility or something that happened there or how they are created instead of an introduction? You could use those describing what they look like in the first chapter. But I think you did rather well. My only advice is learn to explain the scenery and what the character is feeling and senses. Another thing is to work on proper grammar and spelling. You had quite a few misspelled words in here. Other than that I wish you good luck and can't wait for the next chapter!
Soulkana<3

Hey neon! :3 Kaedee here to review.

neonwriter wrote:Okay so let's get something straight here. First, we're not real jesters, that's just our code name.

Remember your apostrophes when you use contractions! I inserted some in bold.

neonwriter wrote:Oh! Also we have things called Jackals Which hunt us. Let's get on with this story.

Can you add some more details about the Jackals? It's weird to have long descriptions of everything/everyone else, but to say nothing about the Jackals. If you don't want to tell anything else about these guys, then I would change the last part to something like this: 'Oh! Since we're so powerful, we have enemies, too. They're called the Jackals; they hunt us! But, you'll learn more about them later. Let's just get on with the story!' Do you get what I mean?

neonwriter wrote:Once we were in there Honey ran right over to the toy store and snatched a light brown teddy bear off the display and ran back holding it out to me.

In where? I'm pretty sure you're talking about the building Flicker was walking towards, but it would be great if you could tell us that again (be more specific).

neonwriter wrote:She walked back into the store, placed the bear carefully back on the shelf, and walked into the girl's bathroom.

Watch out for run-on sentences. You can fix them by inserting commas, or turning a huge sentence into smaller sentences. I put some commas in for you in bold, and also put in a needed apostrophe.

neonwriter wrote:"Fine, I'll get it myself.." She mumbled mischeviously ( I know I didn't spell it right, calm down.) She walked back into the store placed the bear carefully back on the shelf and walked into the girls bathroom. I raised an eyebrow and followed her in. I didn't see her little princess sneakers but I did see purple and white high tops and my eyes widened when I noticed what Honey had morphed into or who Honey morphed into. Justin Bieber walked out of the stall and shot a smile at me. I gave him a dark frown.
"Hey babe what are you doing here? You looking fine." He cooed.

"Honey, I swear to god if you do this...." I growled and stretched my hand out to trap her but she ducked under it and ran outside. She ran down to the toy store and a whole bunch of girls swarmed around her. They buzzed with compliments and laughter as she reached for the bear. Ozzy, Shadow and Flicker just stared holding back laughs. Honey ran back into the bathroom with the bear and I'm assuming she morphed back because the girls scattered after awhile. Honey emerged with her bear and triumphantly marched over to us showing off her bear.

I don't understand how turning into Justin Bieber helped her steal the stuffed animal. Wouldn't turning into a popstar only attract more attention to herself?

I think you have an interesting story idea here. This is a bit rough, but promising! I like your characters, and how you have them all planned out.

Good luck! Hope I helped-

Kae

Hey there, Neon.

This review is written as I read.

Let's start with your prologue, I thought it was a bit unnecessary and too telly and just not serious at all. I thought of it as sort of pointless and you tried explaining things that you could've explained more clearing in your writing so basically, I would kind of just trash the prologue because we don't need it. The narration was too amateur too which makes me think the rest of the story is going to be just as badly written. Which I'm sure it isn't!

He scowled at m and continued walking toward the giant building towering in front of us.

You want to make sure you avoid little errors such as the 'm' which is supposed to be 'me'.

You also have a more than just a few grammar mistakes in here so you'll want to make sure you run over a grammar check as well as a spelling check before you post new works. It shouldn't be too hard for you can find those types of checkers online for free. A quick look over will do too! ^^

As far as characters go, you'll need to make them come alive. I didn't see anything that jumped out about the characters in here that made me feel attached or really interested in them besides their names. Also, you might want to take a little extra time to beef up your description because it'll do your characters a little more justice - they'll seem more 3-D as well as effect the imagery that the reader gets while reading this piece.

And as the concept goes, it's not very bad and I do think you have some potential in your idea. It's interesting but you'll have to develop it much, much further before it can stand on it's own. However, you'll still have time to fix this and tweak this up so don't abandon the idea and continue on with it - it does really have some potential to be something great.

Keep writing and let me know if you need anything else.

-Shear

This was good! a really cool concept with original characters! all of the corrections were made by reviewers already....so I'm not going to beat the moose (Yeah, i just made that up). Good story.

Heyo!

I have to agree with Pink here. Your prologue just took away from the story. It was one just large info dump that really didn't do anything for you. Prologues are usually used to hook the reader into the story. Without the hook, people will lose interest quickly. You have a good idea, but you are applying it wrong.

The whole first prologue was telling and not showing, which is really bad. All those details you will be able to reveal later on through out your story. It would make things more interesting for the reader, and also betters your hook making readers want to continue reading. You want the reader to ask questions and wonder whats going on. That makes them curious, almost intrigues them, so they continue on to get the answers to the questions they thought up. Of course, if you don't answer them, that's when you get bad reviews. This counts for every story you write. Introduce the characters periodically, maybe through dialogue. That is a great strategy. That way it isn't just information to put off the reader.

The other thing I wanted to comment on was your dialogue punctuation like I do with every other piece I pretty much find on here. Everyone seems to have some kind of problem with it these days. Its a really simple concept though and can be fixed easily enough.

"Hey babe what are you doing here? You looking fine." He cooed.

Here is a good example. What you have to do for dialogue punctuation is basically write the dialogue and end the last sentence with a comma instead of a period if the sentence after the dialogue is explaining how the dialogue was said. So in this case, it would be a comma instead of a period at fine, the 'he' would be lower cased. That is because it is describing the way the dialogue was spoken, that the guy said it and he said it 'cooingly'. Its a simple enough concept. You only don't do that if you end in special punctuation like exclamation points and question marks.

If you don't understand that, here is a good website to figure it out. It has lots of examples and it is very thorough. If you still have questions you can PM me.

Keep up the good work!

Hmm... I only read the first paragraph, then I had to stop. Have you ever heard of the Maximum Ride series? There's Angel, a six year old with blue eyes and blonde curls who reads minds, Nudge, who can hack computers seamlessly but never stops talking, Gazzy who can morph his voice into anything, Iggy who's blind but has amazing hearing, Fang who's dark and mysterious, and Max, the leader of the group. They all fly and are hunted by the Erasers (who also morph) and Whitecoats... Your story already sounds a LOT like these books. Try reading them sometime, to make sure you don't remake a really popular book.