The Massiveness of How Sad It Is to Want Someone (2.2)

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Alright, Odd.

I still haven’t hit up chapter 3, but I figured I could do a quick driveby for 2.2, especially considering that it’s review day and this has no reviews. Anyway, while I’m a bit torn about adding this in, I really think you’re right. Even if you could force in Angel’s father later on, having that splash of influence for him certainly does work wonders for the idea behind his character development, even if that’s not particularly why you want this scene in here in the first place.

And it also does something to the relationship between Angel and Levi that I rather like. Instead of having the terribly sharp edge it did prior to this installment, it seems more rounded, more realistic that Levi would keep coming back to Angel. It’s the second bout that did it, I think.

I have an issue with Angel addressing Levi as ‘no one’ in front of his father—not because it’s rude or out of character (because it’s totally in-character, from what I can tell), but because it just seems so obviously closeted. It’s probably the most awkward line of the entire novel so far, and that’s including the back-and-forth about their stoner sex. So I’m saying a lot here when I say Odd, pl0x fix it.

Later on, your poeticism seems to get the best of you, only this time it’s awkward, unlike the last time. I know that it’s how Levi thinks (I definitely just typed Odd instead of Levi, thankyouverymuch), and it’s beautiful, but as far as the flow of the chapter goes, it’s quite…unwelcome, I suppose. It’s the second paragraph on his way home, once he reaches the fence. I don’t mind you bringing in his shame, but I’d much rather it be done without personifying the trees/shrubberies. Also, ‘paralyzed with fear’ is the most cliché thing I’ve seen in the novel so far.

In the following paragraph, I almost wanted you to disgust me with his vomit. You have the descriptive skills for it. If nothing else, make an exercise in describing the disgusting and bad as well as the good and trippy. Most people can’t do it well.

I’m in love with the foreshadowing of the bathtub suicide. So in love. But let’s backtrack a bit to the first paragraph after your fancy little ~*~.

Now, Levi (I did it again—I typed Odd) is high (or crashing) and is stumbling home in the night. And you describe the night so wonderfully, but I wonder if it would really be so pleasant for him. Maybe it’s one of those things that you can’t get unless you’ve actually stumbled home after being high, but I’m not quite feeling how lofty you make the trip seem. Now, you have the balance of the lanterns and all that jazz, but it just feels…off? It may be me. It’s probably me. See what others think, though. I don’t feel confident about this part, which is why I backtracked to it. Just make a note in case you agree. And let me know if I’m off by suggesting it.

AND that’s all. Hang in there, and keep writing. Your mind is beautiful. <3

-Lumi

Holaa,

So this was painfully short to me, but it did it's job. It's really very good even though I had to go back to the previous chapter and re-read all of it to make sense of where this would go. It fits really well actually and even though I was against it at first, I like it, especially since you didn't weigh the chapter down with the beautiful but irritating semi-coherent lust-induced thoughts from Levi about how Angel is so fantastically bangable and the rest of that jazz.

Hmm, so let me try to actually be helpful now. The first line kind of struck me as odd (lol oddkid. odd. see how clever I am?) and out-of-place, since in the previous chapter, we were listening to Levi say something about how kisses and courtesies were enough to make Angel love him. or something. I don't think I've got that right. Anyway, we assume that the 'Is it okay if I kiss you' is a thought from Levi, but we don't know whether Levi is looking at Angel as if he's like mentally willing Angel to allow him to kiss him. Woah, that's confusing. Sorry. But I hope I got my point across. It doesn't seem like it fits. Maybe it's just me.

I like the description of Angel's father but I feel like you could do so much more with it. Go past the obvious 'this is a man. a man who has grey hair. a man who is heavy set. a man who is wearing a suit'. I dunno, talk about how he could see traces of Angel in his eyes or the set of his jaw or something.

I love the conversation between Angel and his father but I do agree with Lumi that calling Levi a 'no one' in front of his father, isn't out of character, but a little bit suspicious and a lot a bit awkward. Why would Levi be over Angel's house if he were no one? What is Angel doing with a no one? It doesn't make much sense. Yeah, the father seems oblivious to it, but to the readers, it seems a little odd.

I don't understand the significance of Angel's father smelling like cigarette smoke. It's not like he smelled like cocaine (if that even has a scent) or like corpses or something. My best friend's dad smokes. When I'm over his house and his dad passes me, I smell cigarettes. It's not that big of a deal. Maybe later it'll be important?

I loveeeeeeee the ending where Levi's like 'He didn't bother asking me whether I was gay.' SO GOOOD. Like, it has so much symbolism and significance in this nonchalant sort of way.

It's autumn, why is the pool frozen? I dunno where Levi lives, but in most places the coming of Fall doesn't exactly mean every liquid must freeze. o.0 Wait, that sentence makes no sense.

...

Anyway, 'Struggling with the disobedience of shaking hands', oh my god, I fucking love this. Ah. It's so good. Hmm, I understand it, but you should make it clearer that Levi has a bathroom in his room. o.0 Or maybe his room is the bathroom? Erm, probs not since he went to his room in the 1.1. Yeah, make that clearer. I agree with Lumi again, you can do so much more with the vomiting scene. Instead of just 'I threw up', make us see the vomit, make us feel it shooting up his throat, make us frown in disgust when bits of the puke splatter back on his hair and clothes. You obviously have the talent to do it.

Meh, I don't quite understand why Levi gets sick. I mean, was it his first time with a guy? Was it his first time ever? Make the reason why he's upset and why he feels guilty more clear because all I see is Levi stoned then horny then tired then stoned and horny at the same time then suddenly he's vomiting.

Overall, brilliant job. I loved the symbolism and foreshadowing (I think that's the third time I've used that word in this review. .-.) of Levi sleeping in the bathtub. You're an ammmmmazing writer and I live for your weekly updates.

K, so now I'll awkwardly flit between facebook and YWS until I get a PM from you.

~jas