Dark Intrigue

Epilogue
London, England 1886

The room was dark and the pouring rain could be heard tapping loudly on the walls and the single, large window behind the woman in the cloak. It looked as if it were a view from a painting; the sky was blue and streaked with purple swirls in the evening sky. A few stars were visible, little golden pinpricks on canvas. All the others were blanketed by dark angry clouds, rolling across the twilight sky. The woman blinked, and at a glance one could tell that her eyes looked as if they had been plucked out of the sky. Her dark grey eyes were stormy with emotion; they too looked as if they were moving across the sky. Candles flicked as two figures appeared as if by magic in two seats at a long table that looked as if it could seat over a dozen; so with only two occupants it looked rather empty. The two girls before her looked no older than teenager but she knew, they we not to be underestimated nor trifled with. The one with the longer raven hair spoke first, when she turned her head blue and red streaks were visible; she had the look of a 16 year old girl – yet at the same time she seemed ageless. Her skin looked as hard and smooth as the most flawless marble, her skin had take the pallor of the stone as well. She yawned as is she was dying of boredom. “What brings you here?” The woman standing took off the hood of her cloak to reveal hair so red it looked as if it were a candle flame.
“I come to have you help me – to bring my daughter back to me.” She reaches into a sort of satchel and pulls out a bundle very gingerly and begins to unwrap it, revealing a baby; still as a rock, cold and pale with death.
“Pity, reminds me of your husband; but so much less blood if I do remember correctly.” The older looking of the two sitting said with a laugh.
“Do not; bring up my late husband’s name in such a manner, ever again Neva!” The red headed woman hissed stepping closer to the table. The first girl tsked.
“Ah, hot tempered still are you Katherine, that’s not a way to ask someone to do a favor for you is it?” the younger girl said, the streaks in her hair catching the light oddly. Katherine moved to the table putting the child back in her back satchel and slammed her hands down on the table.
“I have a reason to be angry, you both are acting ridiculous as if it is some game; Eren is…was all I had after Henry was killed by a rouge in the war YOU started.” “I demand to speak to Gideon, Bishop, or Helena right now, they are more reasonable than you both are.”
“Unfortunately, all three of them are away, so you will have to deal with Catarina and I: unless you would like to come back another time.” Neva smirked. Katherine was so infuriated she had the urge to turn on her heels and walk away.
“God they left the children at home to deal with the household, while they went away on business did they?” Katherine growled. Catarina shot up from her seat and threw the chair across the room towards Kate. Kate dodged it, and instead of hitting its target instead it smashed into the wall splintering into small pieces, not being designed to withstand a throw from a inhumanly strong vampire. “What did you say?!” Iris spat her eyes blazing. She looked as if she was about to leap over the table and kill Kate at any moment.
“I believe you heard me.” Kate said slightly smug, being fae – she was immortal, once she was killed she would come back again, and only few things would kill her for good; but that wasn’t saying it wasn’t painful. Iris’s fangs gleamed as she opened her mouth to let out an animalistic hiss. Neva, grabbed Iris’s dress in a successful attempt to pull the vampire back into another seat and keep her from murdering Katherine.
“You realize the only reason that I am not helping her to kill you right now is because I consider you to be a good friend.” The demon sighed “Because I would very much like to have your soul, you don’t know how much it tempts me to take it from you.”
“Yes, I presumed that there was some premeditated reason for not joining in with your impulsive friend here.” Iris growled.
“You know, I am older than YOU by several hundred years, who is the child now?” Catarina continued.
“You still” Katherine said simply. “If you do not wish to help me – then I should be going now; pass my regards on.” Neva nodded and gave a polite smile while Iris glowered at the fae as she walked out the door, all the while her hand that had been gripping the polished wooden, dining hall table pulled away with splinted pulpy bits. Outside the rain poured on, encouraging Kate to put her cloak back over her head. Her eyes stung ready to burst with tears; the full weight of the death of her only child and husband now hitting her like a pile of bricks to the stomach. She hadn’t gone more than a few blocks when a man with snow white hair and eyes brown like black tea after one poured milk into it. “Good evening.” Kate said curtly putting her head down to keep going before the rain got worse but the man’s hand found her arm. She looked him right in the eyes.
“I can help you.” Were the only words that slipped from his lips.
“Pardon me?”
“I can help you, to bring your daughter back from the dead.” He pulled a vanilla envelope from his long coat and handed it to her. “You can contact me at this address if you are interested.” And he walked away; his hands in his pocket into the night, disappearing as quickly as he had appeared. Katherine slipped cold pale fingers into the envelope pulling it out only so much that the titles, in big bold letters were showing. PROJECT INCEPTION: it read. Kate slipped it back into the envelope walking home, disappearing into the heavy London evening fog.

//I warn you some of the names got mixed up and changed

Its knd of hard to understand. I couldnt really follow what was going on in the story. I like your writing style, if you tweaked it a little i think it would make all the difference and way easier to understand.

Thanks for the critique it really helps. Yea Im not a huge fan of this draft either. I'm working on another at the moment and I'm hoping it turns out better. I only put this one up to let people get a sense of how I write. Thanks for the support

I must say this confused me a little and did you mean Prologue? Epilogue comes at the end of a story not the beginning? But I think that this is really intriguing idea but it was just hard to understand a little bit. I have a few corrections to show you.

London, England 1886

The room was dark and the pouring rain could be heard tapping loudly on the walls and the single, large window behind the woman in the cloak. It looked as if it were a view from a painting; the sky was blue and streaked with purple swirls in the evening sky. A few stars were visible, little golden pinpricks on canvas. All the others were blanketed by dark angry clouds, rolling across the twilight sky. The woman blinked, and at a glance one could tell that her eyes looked as if they had been plucked out of the sky. Her dark grey eyes were stormy with emotion; they too looked as if they were moving across the sky. Candles flicked as two figures appeared as if by magic in two seats at a long table that looked as if it could seat over a dozen; so with only two occupants it looked rather empty. The two girls before her looked no older than teenager but she knew, they we not to be underestimated nor trifled with. The one with the longer raven hair spoke first, when she turned her head blue and red streaks were visible; she had the look of a 16 year old girl – yet at the same time she seemed ageless. Her skin looked as hard and smooth as the most flawless marble, her skin had take the pallor of the stone as well. She yawned as is she was dying of boredom. “What brings you here?” The woman standing took off the hood of her cloak to reveal hair so red it looked as if it were a candle flame.

“I come to have you help me – to bring my daughter back to me.” She reaches into a sort of satchel and pulls out a bundle very gingerly and begins to unwrap it, revealing a baby; still as a rock, cold and pale with death.

“Pity, reminds me of your husband; but so much less blood if I do remember correctly.” The older looking of the two sitting said with a laugh. I think it should be a comma...but that's an opinion.

“Do not; bring up my late husband’s name in such a manner, ever again Neva!” The red headed woman hissed stepping closer to the table. The first girl tsked. I don't believe that semi colon is needed here.

“Ah, hot tempered still are you Katherine, that’s not a way to ask someone to do a favor for you is it?” the younger girl said, the streaks in her hair catching the light oddly. Katherine moved to the table putting the child back in her back satchel and slammed her hands down on the table.

“I have a reason to be angry, you both are acting ridiculous as if it is some game; Eren is…was all I had after Henry was killed by a rouge in the war YOU started.” “I demand to speak to Gideon, Bishop, or Helena right now, they are more reasonable than you both are.” I do not think that there should be the " " there. It's not a different person speaking.

“Unfortunately, all three of them are away, so you will have to deal with Catarina and I: unless you would like to come back another time.” Neva smirked. Katherine was so infuriated she had the urge to turn on her heels and walk away.

“God they left the children at home to deal with the household, while they went away on business did they?” Katherine growled. Catarina shot up from her seat and threw the chair across the room towards Kate. Kate dodged it, and instead of hitting its target instead it smashed into the wall splintering into small pieces, not being designed to withstand a throw from a inhumanly strong vampire. “What did you say?!” Iris spat her eyes blazing. She looked as if she was about to leap over the table and kill Kate at any moment.

“I believe you heard me.” Kate said slightly smug, being fae – she was immortal, once she was killed she would come back again, and only few things would kill her for good; but that wasn’t saying it wasn’t painful. Iris’s fangs gleamed as she opened her mouth to let out an animalistic hiss. Neva, grabbed Iris’s dress in a successful attempt to pull the vampire back into another seat and keep her from murdering Katherine.

“You realize the only reason that I am not helping her to kill you right now is because I consider you to be a good friend.” The demon sighed “Because I would very much like to have your soul, you don’t know how much it tempts me to take it from you.”

“Yes, I presumed that there was some premeditated reason for not joining in with your impulsive friend here.” Iris growled.

“You know, I am older than YOU by several hundred years, who is the child now?” Catarina continued.

“You still” Katherine said simply. “If you do not wish to help me – then I should be going now; pass my regards on.” Neva nodded and gave a polite smile while Iris glowered at the fae as she walked out the door, all the while her hand that had been gripping the polished wooden, dining hall table pulled away with splinted pulpy bits. Outside the rain poured on, encouraging Kate to put her cloak back over her head. Her eyes stung ready to burst with tears; the full weight of the death of her only child and husband now hitting her like a pile of bricks to the stomach. She hadn’t gone more than a few blocks when a man with snow white hair and eyes brown like black tea after one poured milk into it. “Good evening.” Kate said curtly putting her head down to keep going before the rain got worse but the man’s hand found her arm. She looked him right in the eyes.

“I can help you.” Were the only words that slipped from his lips.

“Pardon me?”

“I can help you, to bring your daughter back from the dead.” He pulled a vanilla envelope from his long coat and handed it to her. “You can contact me at this address if you are interested.” And he walked away; his hands in his pocket into the night, disappearing as quickly as he had appeared. Katherine slipped cold pale fingers into the envelope pulling it out only so much that the titles, in big bold letters were showing. PROJECT INCEPTION: it read. Kate slipped it back into the envelope walking home, disappearing into the heavy London evening fog.

I think that is it. My thing is I'm confused on what''s going on. What happened before this? How did they meet? But this is certainly a good start. If you have any questions just PM me. I believe that is all I have. Keep up the good work.
Soulkana<3

Thank you sooooooo much! And yes I meant prolouge. Haha. Yes this draft I didn't like very much. I will probably be posting the new version soon. Been doing this for 8 years still hvent gotten it right/where i want it thnks for the corrections!

Wow, you've been writing this story for eight years?
Long time. I've been working on a fantasy series for six years, and it'll be at least a couple of books behind me, experience wise, before I will be able to write it properly. It's such an elaborate and extremely epic story that it's going to require at least another couple of years experience.

My Science Fiction novel, First Light that I'm working on now, (because to me its a better choice for a debut novel than my fantasy series) I've been workin on it for maybe, well at least a year, maybe a year and a half by now or a tad less.

If you've been working on this story for that long and still haven't gotten it right in your opinion, then maybe you should take a step back and leave it alone for a month. Come back and take a look with fresh eyes. Judge whether or not its worth more of your time. Maybe you'll realize it's not, or maybe you'll see exactly how to fix it.

As for reviewing it, I feel like its going to be sort of a waste of my time if you're working on a new draft already. But maybe you can use this for the new draft as well. So, my suggestions and observations are as follows:

Opening paragraphs, whether they be of chapter one or prologues, they need to do a number of things.
1. Identify conflict.
2. Establish a genre.
3. Introduce Main Character (MC)
and 4. Show us the setting.

Here is your opening paragraph. I will show you how I would write it, with those four things in mind, and using the information given in your opening paragraph alone.

The room was dark and the pouring rain could be heard tapping loudly on the walls and the single, large window behind the woman in the cloak. It looked as if it were a view from a painting; the sky was blue and streaked with purple swirls in the evening sky. A few stars were visible, little golden pinpricks on canvas. All the others were blanketed by dark angry clouds, rolling across the twilight sky. The woman blinked, and at a glance one could tell that her eyes looked as if they had been plucked out of the sky. Her dark grey eyes were stormy with emotion; they too looked as if they were moving across the sky. Candles flicked as two figures appeared as if by magic in two seats at a long table that looked as if it could seat over a dozen; so with only two occupants it looked rather empty. The two girls before her looked no older than teenager but she knew, they we not to be underestimated nor trifled with. The one with the longer raven hair spoke first, when she turned her head blue and red streaks were visible; she had the look of a 16 year old girl – yet at the same time she seemed ageless. Her skin looked as hard and smooth as the most flawless marble, her skin had take the pallor of the stone as well. She yawned as is she was dying of boredom. “What brings you here?” The woman standing took off the hood of her cloak to reveal hair so red it looked as if it were a candle flame.

(MC's name) waited in the darkness, watching the pouring rain out the window. Purple swirls streaked through the blue sky like paint on canvas, and golden pinpricks of stars twinkled. She cradled the satchel in her arms, determined to do what she came here to do. The dull candlelight flickered, and two figures appeared. Seated behind the long table, they stared innocently at her, though (MC's name) knew they were not to be underestimated.

The one with long raven hair yawned. "What brings you here?"

(MC's name) removed the hood of her cloak, and her red hair unfurled from cover.

Now I will explain what I have done. When you open, you don't want to open with a description of anything, whether it be the weather, a person, a thing, a place, a feeling maybe, if its powerful enough to keep the reader reading. But I kept a bit of your description so I could show you how much you need. Not a lot. Less is more powerful.

With my version, I've established the MC straight away, I've established the conflict with her determination and then knowing not to underestimate them. Genre is somewhat identified by the women appearing, and the setting is there but not taking over.

You can elaborate more on the setting when it comes into play. Darkness, rain pouring, the sky and stars establishes mood and that is why I added that description of the setting. In future, you don't want to mention anything of the setting unless it either shows the mood, tells us something, or the MC is using it or conflicted by it or something. Only mention it when its necessary.

You can later properly establish the genre as well. Also, your opening paragraph was massive, with a lot of unnecessary description. And, when it comes to paragraphing, whenever a new character speaks or acts, or there is a change in point of view, the concept changes, etc. its a new paragraph. How I set my version out is how you should set our yours.

Next:

“I come to have you help me – to bring my daughter back to me.” She reaches into a sort of satchel and pulls out a bundle very gingerly and begins to unwrap it, revealing a baby; still as a rock, cold and pale with death.

“Pity, reminds me of your husband; but so much less blood if I do remember correctly.” The older looking of the two sitting said with a laugh.

“Do not; bring up my late husband’s name in such a manner, ever again Neva!” The red headed woman hissed stepping closer to the table. The first girl tsked.

“Ah, hot tempered still are you Katherine, that’s not a way to ask someone to do a favor for you is it?” the younger girl said, the streaks in her hair catching the light oddly. Katherine moved to the table putting the child back in her back satchel and slammed her hands down on the table.

"You must bring my daughter back." Katherine pulled a bundle from the satchel and unsheathed her dead daughters cold lifeless body.

"Reminds me of your husband. Less blood though, if I remember correctly," the oldest said.

"Do not speak of my husband, Neva." Katherine stepped forward.

"Temper, Katherine. It's something you should watch when asking favors," the other young woman said.

Katherine placed the baby back inside the satchel and slammed her hands down on the table. "This is not some game. Eren is... was all I had left after Henry was killed by a rogue, in a war you started. I demand to speak with Gideon, Bishop or Helena, now."

Neva smirked. "Unfortunately, they're all unavailable. You will have to deal with Catarina and I, unless you want to wait until they return."

"Left the children to deal with the household while they went away on business, did they?" Katherine said.

Catarina jumped from her seat, throwing her chair in Katherine's direction. It missed, hit the wall and splintered into pieces. "Repeat that, Kate, and you'll be as your offspring," she hissed, bearing her fangs.

The comment didn't scare Katherine. Half fae, she was immortal. Not even a vampire such as Catarina could kill her.

Now I'm not sure who Iris is, maybe you changed Catarina's name to Iris and forgot to change them all, but I just kept it Catarina as that's what it began with.

In my version, I've eliminated a lot of the telling you did, and excess fluff. I think it's much clearer now what's going on and easier to follow.

Also, not only the name change threw me off, but you called her a vampire and then demon. And then Catarina pops up again. Thought there were two chicks, and Katherine. The rest after this was very confusing, so I didn't go any further.

I hope you see how my suggestions help tighten the prose and make it easier to follow.
Hope this helps you, RenGrey. Very interesting story you've got here, you just need to tell it right. Its the same problem I have with my fantasy series. I have the story, and the characters but can't seem to tell it right.

You'll have a great story on your hands if you just work on the things I mentioned, which are, just to recap, too much description, unnecessary fluff, actions and speech of different characters are separated and joined awkwardly, and yeah.

If you have any questions, just let me know. This is all just my opinion, by the way. So feel free to disregard it if you want.

No no. Don't worry. I rather like your corrections and pointers. It's glad to see someone else's perspective besides friends I go to school with (not that you wouldn't be a good mate, I'm not implying that at all:) but I know your looking at it with serious eyes and you have been writing for as long as I have if not more. Lol. And I haven't written this exact story for 8 or 9 years it's just kind of been. Lot of different drafts and name changes and new story lines. I started off as a 6 or 7 year old obsessed with superheroes writing my own stories. I mean kids getting powers from radioactive fish or abducted by aliens (yes real original lol) with barley any description and dialogue at all.I do really really ppreciate your critique more than you know. It's really helpful and kind of you to take your time and do this. I have always been intrigued by doing a story or series of paranormal being and the cities and places they reside. Kind of like some paranormal adventure that's bard on factual or real account of let's say sasquach. How does that sound to you?

It sounds like a great idea, RenGrey.

I've been writing since I was like 9, but I began writing seriously at age 12 and I'm now 18. So I count it as six years.

The first four and a half years I wrote only fantasy but then discovered my love for Science Fiction and have been writing that as well for the last year and a half.

It's better to have someone you don't know review it so that they're completely honest.

I love the idea of this story, I just think you may need to structure it a bit more. I don't know how you do your planning, if its on paper or in your head, but you should really follow the 3 Act Structure. If you don't follow it already, you should try and put this story through that kind of planning and maybe it'd sort out the issues you have with it.

Proper structure may be all you need.

Thanks for all of your help. lol and to be honest I don't really have any structure. I have tried making an organizer at the belonging of every chapter (which characters appearing, outline of what happens etc.) but structure isn't really in my DNA so it falls apart lol. But I am really enjoying the honesty its bloody refreshing. Not that I don't like my mates compliments but they may have me feelings above how a great novel can be written. Yea I mainly stick to Fantasy and Sci-Fi because I think those are the most intriguing, the impossible is more fun to make possible! But yea...em. I cant thank you enough for the critique its really helping me see where there are some loose ends I can tie off. Writing is just one of my greatest passions and I just want my works to be successful (Successful as in people love reading it, i could give a damn about the money and profit, though it would be nice to get income from doing what I love.)

Yeah I never used to structure either. I used to hate it. I felt it sucked the fun out of it, knowing everything that was going to happen beforehand. I preferred writing it as it came to me.

But, the fantasy story I wrote when I was 13/14 ended up being 55,000 words of absolute crap.

Still I was adamant I was not going to structure it, and I continued to do it all on impulse.

When I was 15 though, I had a sudden epiphany and the story completely changed. I felt the story deserved to be done properly so I began from scratch and started to structure it a bit. Not a lot at first. I just did basics like, I did a paragraph for each chapter that said overall what would happen. Since then though, I've gotten more into structuring and planning and its so beneficial because in the end, its less of a hassle t have to go back and structure once its written. And you end up losing half the manuscript.

I still wing it here and there with some scenes where I'm like, I want this to happen and this to be shown, but don't first figure out how. The when I get to it, I just do the scene however it comes to me.

I used to hate structuring too, but I see its a blessing in disguise. I actually love it, like all the processes of writing, planning and structuring are only a part of it. They all help each other in the end. Just think about it. The three act Structure is pretty simple to follow. I get very technical and use dramatica thoery as well, but start with basics so you slowly learn to love the planning/structuring phase.

HAHA well thank you very much. I am going to try and add a little more structure. But it may turn into something like my family yoga...o.o everyone was asleep in ten minutes lol. I'm going to definatley make a concentrated effort. The downside is I have the attention span of a squirrel on crack/ my best ideas come spontaneously. Like in the middle of a maths test! Lol. I'm going to think about how Im going to do this and start from scratch. And if you don't mind helping me that would be great to help keep me from loosing track. I appreciate your words so much.

I hate it when this happens. I read a story and I have so much to say about it, then I get to the other reviews and it has already been said. I enjoyed this, but a lot of the time this was extraneous, and you seemed to waffle. You also tell far too much, when you should be showing. These are things that will come with a few more edits, and I'm sure other reviewers have touched upon them. If you want me to come back and do a line-by-line or site examples of where you aren't so strong PM me and I will come back.

JP

No problem RenGrey. I'd be happy to help.

Structuring and Planning can seem boring at first, but once you realize how beneficial it is, you will learn to love it.

I also get my ideas whenever, but you should carry a notebook around with you so you can jot them down. I can't always carry a notebook with me, but I have my phone, which is like a PDA so I open a fresh word doc and jot down my ideas anywhere. Then when I get home later on, I transfer them to my computer.

Any questions, just ask me. I'm happy to help you with anything.

Thanks you so much Butterfly18 I will take you up on your offer.
Same to you JP. I really appreciate it