A Rainy Soundview-Something Street

Spoiler

About re-meeting someone, kind of has to do with a personal thing, so sorry if some of this really isn't completely understood for whatever reason.

It’s a rainy Soundview-Something Street upon Gig Harbor,
a swollen sky of a semi-precious gray that
clouds of steel wool have woven, shrinking in the wet sky and
pulling them closer to Earth’s skin.

Silly, I think of what you would have said, that this day is
“lit’rally wonderful,” but this was years ago, when we were
somewhat-more-than-almost-friends, in the mind of
a sunny day when I turned sixteen and confessed to myself
that I would miss you.
We stitched ourselves some well-sized smiles and said goodbye.

My watch and chilling hot chocolate indicate that time
is lingering in my wait to see you again,
and perhaps I’m just impatient with the fear that the you I knew
no longer exists in a familiar friend-form.

The sky rains down see-through sterling diamonds
that wash into condensed pools in the sidewalk’s divots,
creased corners like the edges of your smile.

And there, I see you coming, looking older, stronger,
your hair dripping with precipitated jewels of the sky,
and beneath this your side-creased smile, and I ask you
how you are, and with a reply that warms me slightly,
you say “Lit’rally wonderful,” and we stitch ourselves a smile.

i love it, its wonderful, awesome imagery, you seriously deserve like a gold freaking medal DDD let me know what else you've published.

I like how you've mixed normal, everyday stuff, like being 'somewhat-more-than-almost-friends' with more poetic things like 'jewels of the sky'. I thought it could of had a little bit more rhythm, as that's just what I like to read, but it doesn't really need it, to be honest. The best part was the ending, especially the 'Lit'rally' part. That was awesome, so keep writing more!

Storyweaver.

I'm not usually one for reviewing too in depth on poetry, but I feel like this was something in fact very beautifully written, so I had to stop by to lend my thoughts on it, even if nothing I say has a chance in being helpful to you!

I'll start off with the atmosphere. I think that you in fact nailed the type of emotion you were attempting to send off just in the atmospheric beauty of your words alone. It was the epitome of poetic in my eyes. The rain and the cold, the way you described it was just beautiful and I can only seem to lend praise when I look back at your poem. I think it's what in fact had me caught up. Your similes were. . . well, I can hardly think of a better word than awesome, so I'll go with that.

As for reaching your point across to your audience, I also think that this was adequately done. But again, I'm not a master poet myself, so I could just be seeing things very simply instead of largely in depth. In any case, forgive me.

There was much continuity in your poetry I noticed as well. Somewhere in the second stanza you have a line where you say lit'rally wonderful, which was a quirky and endearing line in itself, then you brought it back as you were wrapping this up, which led me to believe you knew what you were doing the whole way through this poem, and weren't just ambling aimlessly along. In any sense, beautifully done.

Well, I guess that's mostly what I have to say. Not very helpful obviously, but I don't think I'd like to see much of this changed, whether it carries certain flaws or not. It was a great poem.

-Smylin'

This is pretty dang wonderful. Or at least really well in the zone of what I love to read in poetry.

With that said, this review is going to be pretty biased while I drool over your gimmicky dialogue and nearly-foggy weather imagery. Your first stanza. It’s just. Guh. Give me a moment while I press the like button for that first stanza.

Alright. So you move on from your foundation of dreary weather into a lyrical stream-of-consciousness about a boy. And he’s a snarky boy because he’d call a dreary day lit’rally wonderful. But the introduction of his personality comes in a really clunky sentence that kills your beautiful flow thus far. So take this sentence, “Silly, I think…I would miss you,” and read it aloud. If you read like I do, then the flow breaks and stumbles and scrapes it’s knee when you pass “in the mind” and go into this image that is so clunky in itself that it’s very tough to juxtapose beside the smoothness of this boy’s dialogue. Do you see it?

“In the mind of a sunny day when I turned sixteen and confessed to myself that I would miss you,” is a clunky sentence, even in prose. So we tap into your syntax and rephrase. So far, you’ve written your descriptions somewhat like I write my descriptions: you abuse dual clauses and double-describing, so juxtaposing these images won’t be hard—we just have to find the right conduit, the proper lining for them. I think that I would do this:

“Lit’rally wonderful,” but this was years ago, when we were
somewhat-more-than-almost-friends on a sunny day;
I was sixteen and confessed to myself that I would miss you.

Do you feel the difference? It’s the semi-colon that does it because it tells the mind that we need to pause, that our ideas are separating, and yet connected at the same time. And you also lose the awkward line break before ‘a sunny day’, which I didn’t like. If you apply a change like what I just showed you, then also play with the last line of that stanza to make it flow better with the time stream. Remember that you had your first phrase in the present, second in the past, and now we naturally want to return to the present. But we’re still in the past, so that needs to flow well.

The first line of stanza three isn’t that pleasing in contrast to the rest of your material. It’s just a very basic image, almost too non-colloquial for the syntax you’ve set up, but the continuation from the first line is beautiful. I almost feel the craving for a suspended image, something that will catch my breath for this moment, since time is lingering and your heart is, too. The remainder of this stanza is quite pleasing, all but the last two words. “Friend-form” just feels like it belongs in Pokemon. And while your point comes across beautifully, I want the phrase to be beautiful as well. But at the same time, if you’re unable to change it, it won’t be the end of the world.

“Rains down” isn’t the most pleasing phrase. It’s also very basic, and can easily be replaced with a fresh, lovely action of release. Bite your lip over it. It’ll come to you.

The last stanza wraps everything up nicely, but we get another bite from the flow-destruction fairy in the form of an andandand sentence. Let’s look at it and see what we can do.

And there, I see you coming, looking older, stronger,
your hair dripping with precipitated jewels of the sky,
AND beneath this your side-creased smile, AND I ask you
how you are, AND with a reply that warms me slightly,
you say “Lit’rally wonderful,” AND we stitch ourselves a smile.

See what I mean? While your images and his cleverness are easy to get lost in, I was annoyed by this enormous sentence. Break it up, smooth it over, and make it just as wonderful as the remainder of what you’ve written.

Best of my love, darling. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

-Lumi