You

Hola, I wrote this during class and I have no clue if it's any good. So, please review!!! I have three pieces here. What I underlined are new poems they are not connected in any way!!!

You
I'm exploding [inside].
All these problems shaping my world.
It's not only you pushing me aside.
It's not only you trying to ruin my life.
It's not only you predicting to control me.
It's all of you.
All of you are putting me through hell.
But mostly you.
Ignoring my presence.
Blocking my sight.
Stealing glances.
It's confusing.
No, it's just you.


Either Way
I could walk a mile in your shoes.
But that won't do [much].
I could send letters to the king.
But that won't help either.
You mind is a whirlwind of secrets.
And they won't break through.
It may be 'cause you're shy.
Or maybe just cowardliness.
Either way.
It bugs me.
Either way.
You disgust me.


You're Just Mean
People love you.
They swarm around you like bees to a hive.
Except for me.
I leave you be.
I don't want to be a follower.
Just because you're big.
Yes, we used to be friends.
But why would I waste my time on someone who doesn't even speak to me?
Are you too busy?
Did I do something?
No.
You're just mean.

So hey, I'm Izon and I'm going to review these pieces for you. After the first read, I found them to be somewhat aesthetically displeasing. Of course, like all literature, there were strong points. And low points. I'll identify these for you.


I'm exploding [inside]. I don't see the necessity for square brackets here... I understand that it's attached to the word "inside", and I actually think that's neat, but I'd personally use rounded parentheses () instead. That's minor, though.

All these problems shaping my world.

It's not only you pushing me aside.

It's not only you trying to ruin my life.

It's not only you predicting to control me.

It's all of you. Using "you" as a singular and suddenly changing it to plural is somewhat confusing. Maybe "It's you, but it's them too"

All of you are putting me through hell. Here, the plural "all of you" works, if you introduce "them" in the previous line

But mostly you. No... don't. If you include "them" for the past two lines, don't suddenly exclude them. Either omit the previous two lines, or fix this to mean all of them

Ignoring my presence.

Blocking my sight.

Stealing glances. So they're ignoring you, but still looking at you...? Stick with one theme.

It's just you. It's... awkward...

I would make this a new stanza
Either Way

I could walk a mile in your shoes.

But that won't do [much]. No brackets, please!

I could send letters to the king. This... makes little sense.

But that won't help either.

You mind is a whirlwind of secrets. *Your

And they won't break through.

It may be 'cause you're shy.

Or maybe just cowardliness. "Or maybe just cowardly

Either way. commas after all of the "Either way" statements

It bugs me.

Either way.

You disgust me.

You're Just Mean

People love you.

They swarm around you like bees to a hive.

Except for me.

I leave you be.

I don't want to be a follower.

Just because you're big. Uh... this seems out of place.

Yes, we used to be friends.

But why would I waste my time on someone who doesn't even speak to me?

Are you too busy?

Did I do something?

No.

You're Just Mean.

All in all, it's got some good stuff. But you jumped around so much, from one topic to the next, that eventually the poem just felt long and over-exaggerated, like you were trying too hard to make it something it isn't.
Keep writing!
-Izon

Hmm. Interesting stuff here.

I was... sort of confused about the meaning of this story (poem) at first. I had to read it a few times.

It's not only you trying to ruin my life.

It's not only you predicting to control me.

It's all of you.

All of you are putting me through hell.

But mostly you. Here I am confused. Who is you as opposed to all of you? I didn't really understand why you started out with "It's not only you, it's not only you", and then backpedaled to "It's mostly you."

Is this story all about one person? I am assuming it is.
I do like the emotion in the bit under "You're just mean." I thought the hive analogy was good.
As far as the underlined bits, I wouldn't recommend making every new word starting with a capital letter. It doesn't look good to the eye. I would change "You're Just Mean" to "You're just mean". I think it just looks better.

Otherwise, you've got some strong emotion here. I like it. Keep this advice in mind, and keep on writing!

Hey, how have you been?
I really like this, except some little pointers:
"I could send letters to the king." - didn't quite understand that metaphor...
"It's all of you" - I actually really like how the descriptions break down into one "all of you" bit, so this one's a positive))
"Just because you're big." - Big? The first thing that comes to my mind is 'fat'
Maybe not big, maybe.... cool? or popular? or 'out there'?...
Otherwise, I liked the last one the most, because I have a similar situation right now... -_-
'You' is very good too.
Keep this up,
xx polly