Nameless - Chapter 4

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She opened her eyes. Her pupils dilating, like black ink upon dirty grey paper. It was dim. She could see the heat shadows, from the fires, smell the smoke running down her nostrils bringing the foul scent of burning dead flesh with it. The cave was familiar to her, she had been here many times before but familiarity did not easy the sinking feeling in her heart. Every step, every movement sent daggers of pain into her iron heart.

Poor, poor Fanfir. She could smell it, smell his death, his pain and his suffering. Hear his cries of pain, the beat of the ambush. "One, two, three fire!" words shouted over the smoke. A man. A man running out of the daylight into the dark of the cave, spears of sunlight surrounding him like a holy halo. He was dressed in black, his tight garments seeming to draw all the light around him, human weapons stuck to his back, strapped to his body.

She silently watched in the fog of time. As the male stirred around in the shadows, they played a siege, in broad daylight. How had Fanfir not noticed? How was it possible? They moved forward in military precision, weapons at the ready, and firing. The ancient red beast fought back valiantly claws shining in the sunlight. Fire erupting, fangs bared. But they came prepared, deadly dragon breath barely caused a break in the lines. Strange looking armor shielding them form the worst of his ancient wrath. Fanfir roared rampant, his claws swiping, blood running down scaled thighs. Strange metallic ropes flew into the air. Holding the grand dragon down, but still he thought the warriors, their bodies falling back as his claws swiped. All the while the man in the shadows stood watching, doing nothing as his men fell, as Fanfir bleed. She could see his fingers stroke an obsidian scabbard, hazel eyes framed with intense brows, waiting for the right moment...

She took a step forward, the fog of the past and its dark memories dissaperaing behind her. A hand ran across black soot covered walls. Discarded weapons and blood sprayed across the grimy stone. She glided across the rocks, towards the smell. She kicked a stone watching it rattle across the floor. She knew what lay ahead yet her feet kept moving, sliding across into the darkness.

The ranid stench grew stronger. She covered her mouth with her scarf breathing in the stale filtered air. A dismembered claw stood before her feet. Stripped of scales and tendons. She dared look up, into a smoldering pile of bones, smoke, blood and bone segueing in to a sordid nightmare of a corpse. Her hands shook as she circled the corpse. Body parts gone. His noble heart had been cut out, a bleeding gaping hole cut into his once noble chest. Yet his magnificent ancient hoard lay untouched. The centuries worth of treasure, Fanfir's pride a joy gone,and in it's place the dragon's great corpse.

The fog rose, the scene changed. She stood there, watching the cloth of time unravel. The man shifted in the shadows and began to move,his body a hawk in flight skimming the floor. Strong hands reached for weapons as he scaled Fanfir's body with a grace she never thought a human could posses. The dragon barely noticed the being climbing up his torso, skipping up his neck. A long glistening sword was grasped in his hands the pommel as black as soot its sharp edges lined with strange red light. The raised sword and as it feel it sliced though the chain that hung on the dragons neck. She watched as the human grabbed the green crystal trinket, the one that she herself had made for Fanfir, and flung it to the ground. The sound echoed though the chaos like a arrow though a linen sheet.

She blankly stared at the burning corpse. How could a human? How could anybody? She moved closer placing a hand on the noble scaled brow, a tear running down a dirty cheek. What had Fanfir done to hurt the humans? What had any of them done?
Last edited by Jennya on Sat Sep 24, 2011 5:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
Stay gold, Ponyboy - S.E. Hinton




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Hello, Jennya.

I liked this. Dragons and yeah, 'nuff said. :)

I really liked this,

She blankly stared at the burning corpse. How could a human? How could anybody? She moved closer placing a hand on the noble scaled brow, a tear running down a dirty cheek. What had Fanfir done to hurt the humans? What had any of them done?

Little things I noticed though,

The fog rose, the scene changed.
We can see the scene changed, you don't need to tell us.

Every step, every movement sent daggers of pain into her iron heart.
What's an iron heart?

Hear his cries of pain, the beat of the ambush.
This isn't a sentence. There needs to be a subject/object and a verb for a sentence to be a sentence.

Other than that, I liked this. :)




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Brilliant! I really liked this. I enjoy this type of writing, with the dragons and danger but not so much that it scares you out you're seat. I liked the line:
She moved closer placing a hand on the noble scaled brow, a tear running down a dirty cheek.
Thought it was brilliant. Just focus slightly on the little grammatical errors but apart from that. Great!
Love,
Evenslily x
Write and Smile people! X



That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon