Out With Magic Part 4 and 5

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Chapter Four – A Strange New Game
London was a blustering busy town. This was not unexpected at all though, for London was the capital of England at this time. People of all sizes and shapes wondered the brick covered streets. There were tall men and short women—short men and tall women. The multitude of unfamiliar faces startled Dax. Some faces looked old and wrinkled, while others were young and a bit chubby.
Two boys, around the same age as Dax, were running towards he and Danica. One was tall and skinny with dark brown hair. His eyes were nearly black. He was very tan, some much so that you could hardly tell he had freckles speckled across his face. The other boy was shorter, and bit more built. He had strawberry blond hair. The two boys were quite obviously the best of friends. Dax felt a sudden rush of jealousy at this sight. Dax had no friends, other than Danica. He wasn’t even sure if he could consider Danica to be a friend.
Dax noticed something peculiar about these two boys though. It wasn’t their friendship that bothered Dax the most. It was the fact that they seemed to be using magic. Dax was surprised, while horrified at the same time. He had always thought that magic was something that you should keep secret.
“Watch where ya goin,” yelled one of the boys as they ran past. The other had bumped into Dax. The one who had bumped into Dax stopped and turned around towards Dax.
“Sorry ‘bout that. Are you new here?” asked the boy.
“Yes, I am new to the city,” stated Dax.
“You talk like a older person,” said the other boy.
“Leave him alone Geraint,” said the taller boy.
“Whatever you wish Ridely,” said the shorter boy.
“What is your name?” asked Ridely.
“Dax Bennett,” answered Dax as he held out his hand. Ridely grabbed it and shook his hand.
“Nice to meet you Dax. This is Geraint Stanton and I am Ridely Marston,” said Ridely after the handshake.
“We were heading to play a game. Do you want to come?” asked Geraint.
“Sure,” answered Dax. He walked over to Danica and told her of his decision to go with the two boys. She told him where she was going to be if he needed her. Dax then ran off with the two boys. Danica watched them fade off in the distance. The second that they were no longer in sight she walked out of the city of London.
Danica felt terrible about this decision, but she needed to leave Dax behind. He would not be able to live the life he deserved if he stayed with her. Danica’s eyes began to become watery as she left the city. After she was a few miles away, she was completely crying. She whispered to no one, “Good-Bye Dax.” Danica and her caravan disappeared off into the fog that was forming outside of London.
Dax and his two new friends, Geraint and Ridely, had ran off to an alley way. Large brick buildings were on both sides of the alley. It was rather dark; the building’s shadows overcame most of the ground below. The light that filled the alleyway gave everything an odd blue gray tone. Above the heads of the three boys was the large blue sky. The sun was barely visible – for one of the buildings blocked it. Rays of light came over the building though. The rays highlighted parts of the alley. The highlighted parts were yellow, almost gold toned.
“What game are we goin’ ta play?” asked Ridely.
“I was thinkin’ that one where we looking for each other,” stated Geraint. He looked over to Dax for an opinion on the situation. Dax shrugged for he did not care what game they played.
“Sounds good then,” said Ridely.
“What are the rules then?” asked Dax. He had a puzzled look on his face. He had this look the whole walk to the alley though.
“Rules are as follows,” said Geraint. “All three of us hide from each other all across the city. When you find someone, you yell ‘Stradegeo’. Wait, can you use magic?” He was looking at Dax.
“Yes,” answered Dax.
“Good, you need it. Stradegeo is a spell that makes a tally mark appears above someone’s head. The first to ‘ave ten, no five, marks above their head loses,” finished Geraint.
Dax looked at Ridely, then to Geraint. He wanted to make sure he could actually use the spell.
“Stradegeo,” yelled Dax, he was staring at Geraint. The sky above Geraint’s head seemed to rip open. The rip formed the shape of a tally mark. The rip glowed dark red. It looked almost like a portal to hell. Geraint waved his hands above his. This made the sky revert to its normal state. The tally was gone.
“Yes, the spell works. Now why don’t we get to the game,” stated Ridely. He winked, and in doing so, vanished in a cloud of smoke. Geraint looked at Dax with a strange look.
“Try looking at the church,” he stated. After he was done talking, he did the same as Ridely did. Dax was alone in the dark alley. He did not know this city. He had never been to London. He looked all around his surroundings; everything looked empty.
Dax looked up towards the sky. He could barely see the sky, and what he did see was cloudy. Clouds had moved in and thunder echoed throughout the city. Dax ran in the direction that was opposite of which he had come. The city looked scary; it reminded Dax of the forest.
Buildings made of all kinds of stone lined the streets. The farther Dax ran the more he felt as though he was running in a circle.
Dax came across a large stone building. The stones were a cool, dull grey tone towards the top of the building. The tone of the stones became warmer as they grew closer to the bottom. The building had large extrinsic windows. A fabric blocked view to the inside through the windows. Dax thought he saw Ridely in the windows though. A brick wall was around the building. The wall’s stones had the same coloring as that of the building.
The fabric in one window was moving. Dax thought that maybe Geraint or Ridely was in there. Dax walked up to the wall that blocked the courtyard of the building. He looked up at the daunting wall. He wondered how he was going to climb it. A rush of wind rushed over him.
"Stradegeo!" yelled a voice coming from behind. It was Geraint. A large tally mark formed above Dax's head in the form of a tear. Dax turned around quickly.
"Strade- wait where were you?" asked Dax.
"I told you, look in the church," yelled Geraint. He then ran off in the distance. Dax tried to follow, but Geraint was far too fast. He was gone before Dax had the chance to blink.
"What church?" asked Dax quietly to himself. He looked around and all he saw was buildings that were either businesses or houses. He did notice a tall steeple in the distant background. Was this the church Geraint talked about?
Dax started to run towards the distant steeple. The closer he got, the farther it seemed to be. As he ran he heard something rustling around behind him. He slowed down, and turned around yelling, "Stradegeo." Ridely, who was trying to sneak up on Dax, received a tally above his head.
"How'd ya' know I was there?" asked Ridely.
"Just heard you," answered Dax. Dax fled the scene, still heading towards the steeple. He didn't notice at first, but he wasn't losing. Ridely had a second tally mark from before Dax said the spell.
It took Dax a while, but he eventually got to the church. The steeple he had seen was actually a large tower. The tower stood over a large church. The tower was made of a tan stone. It had what seemed like ash rubbed against it. There was a large opening in the tower where a bell was located. The church was the same color stone as the tower. The roof though was an dark salmon color. It was worn in several locations. In those locations the roof was a dark gray stone. On top of the roof was a cross.
"I don't see anything odd," whispered Dax.
"Look harder," whispered back the voice of Geraint.
"Stradegeo!" yelled Dax. He whipped around to face Geraint, who was receiving his first tally mark. Dax felt pleased that he was able to make Geraint get his first tally mark.
"Stradegeo!" yelled Ridely who had followed Dax. Dax and Geraint both received their second tallies. All three of them now had two tallies above their heads.
"In case you were curious, this church was where Ridely was hiding. He always hides here," said Geraint, he was looking at Dax as he talked.
Geraint walked away quickly. Ridely did as well, but in the other direction. Dax stumbled as he tried to follow Geraint. Geraint was hurrying towards something. He did not know what.
"Wait!" yelled Dax. Before his eyes, Geraint disappeared in a cloud of smoke. He wondered how he did that, and where he went.
Again, Dax looked all around; searching for something that would indicate the location of either Ridely or Geraint. Yet again, Dax heard something from behind him.
"Stradegeo!" yelled Dax as he turned around. This time he didn't cast a spell at one of his friends. He had cast the spell on an old woman.
The old woman coughed before she asked, "What are ye' doin' child?" She was old, and weak. Her face was stretched and wrinkled. She had long white hair that draped over her shoulders. Her hair was a tangled mess though.
"Sorry ma'am, I thought thou was another," answered Dax.
The old woman walked off in the distance, waving her hand above her head as though she was fighting off a curse. Dax followed the woman. He hoped that he would run into Geraint or Ridely this way.
He followed the old woman down a dark alley. She did not realize that he followed her. She whispered something. It was in a language that Dax did not understand. Her hands looked as though they had grown claws. The claws were orange and fiery. She ran the claws up against the walls on both sides. In doing so, the walls ignited in fire. The woman turned around to face Dax.
"You!" she yelled. Her voice sounded like a roaring lion. she ran towards Dax, her claws were stretched out towards Dax.
"Get away from me!" yelled Dax. He ran back towards the church.
"Tacete Luceius!" yelled the woman. A silvery bolt rushed by Dax's head. The bolt ran into the church, causing part of the tower to break off and fall to the ground.
Another voice was coming from behind the woman. Dax could not understand the voice, but it caused the woman to fall to the ground in pain. Dax continued running towards the church though. He heard the woman shriek. He turned around to catch a glimpse of what was occurring. A woman who looked distinctively like Danica stood above the old woman. She held a sword that was glowing with a cool silver tone. Dax turned away before she killed the old woman. He heard the younger woman say, "Filthy Morti." This made him think of his dream from a few nights back.
"Stradegeo!" was yelled in the distance. Dax ran towards the location. There he saw Geraint and Ridely. Ridely had four tallies above his head.
"Dax cast the spell, that way we can end the game," said Geraint.
"Stradegeo!" yelled Dax. This caused the fifth and final tally to form above Ridely's head. When the final tally was in place the tallies swirled around the head of Ridely and the swirling of tally marks erupted in fireworks above the head of Ridely. The ashes of the fireworks fell down onto Ridely. The ashes caused burns. The tallies above Dax and Geraint's head just blew away like dust.
"Come on then. Let's go back to my house," said Geraint. He led Dax and Ridely down toward an alley.

Chapter Five – A Proper Burial
Dax, Geraint, and Ridely walked down the alleyway back towards Geraint’s house. It had grown dark; the icy colored moon rose in the sky. There were a few poles with torches lining the streets with dull yellow flames. They emitted only enough light for the three of them to see the ground below their feet.
A large hissing sound came from the ground. Dax instinctively thought back to the serpent that he and Mary had met in the forest. Tears began to form in his eyes as he thought of the family he had lost. The hissing began to fade.
“What was that?” asked Ridley.
“Probably just another kid,” stated Geraint.
“Sounded like a serpent to me,” said Dax. He had a cold disturbed look on his face.
The three continued their walk down the alley. More hissing sounds could be heard as they moved furtively through the dark corridor. An object suddenly appeared in the pale light as it slithered across the ground in front of them. The object was moving, almost wiggling, across the alley floor. Dax soon realized it was easing its way toward something in a corner of the alley. Without giving any thought, Dax ran towards the object.
“’Eh, get back ‘ere” yelled Ridely. He and Geraint then followed Dax. Dax soon reached his destination. He found a large group of serpents slithering on top of a large lumpy object on the ground.
Dax waved his hands to make the serpents move. As they moved they revealed a body. Dax’s heart sunk at the finding of the body.
“Dax?” asked Geraint.
“That—that is my sister’s body,” said Dax. His voice was weak and shallow. He broke out in tears at the sight of Mary.
The body was surprisingly well kept. It had been days since Mary had supposedly died, but it looked like she had only been dead for a few hours. Dax was in utter shock, he thought he had lost her forever. Despite the fact that Mary was in fact dead, he felt as though he had gotten his sister back. He finally had the closure that he so longed for. The time had now come to bury Mary, in a proper way.
Dax walked up to the body and picked it up. She was lighter than Dax remembered. Her skin was eerie to the touch, but Dax expected this, as she was dead.
“Where are you going?” asked Geraint.
“I saw a church down the alley,” answered Dax. He tried pointing in the direction of the church, but it did not work out very well as his hands were busy grasping Mary’s body.
“We’ll come with you,” said Ridely. He and Geraint again followed Dax. Both of them had a look of disgust on their face towards the sight of a dead body. Mostly they felt for Dax, and they were sorry for him. Neither of them knew about Dax's past, for they had just recently met him. Even though they had known him for only a day, they felt as though they had nurtured a bond of friendship.
"Where are we heading exactly?" asked Ridely, when he spoke he pronounced the ‘exactly’ with a strong accent on the "t".
"I saw a church, or what I thought was a church," answered Dax "Geraint also just asked that." Ridely looked a bit embarrassed by repeating the question, but he had succeeded in making Dax chuckle.
In the dim moonlight, Dax and his friends walked into a large open cobble street. All around them were people of all shapes and sizes. Dax felt odd carrying his dead sister through a crowd of people, but he knew that there would be a church on the other side.
"Look over there, that child is carryin' some girl," said a woman as they passed by.
The man she was talking to responded, "I think she's dead. Dear child must be miserable."
This situation was uncomfortable. Dax felt all eyes begin to stare at him. He tried to hurry through but he was stopped.
"What did you do to 'er?" asked a large burly man who stood in Dax's way.
"She is my sister," answered Dax.
"You killed ye' sister?" asked the man.
"No, I found her dead!" yelled Dax.
"Then, wanna 'em muss 'ave!" yelled a hobble woman. She reached for Mary's body.
"Get away from her!" yelled Ridely. He jumped in front of the woman's hand blocking her from Mary. Geraint followed suit. The people all around began trying to pry Mary away from Dax. Dax began to retreat into his mind. He was aware of the outside, but he didn't do anything.
He was thinking about Mary, and how much he missed her and their home. He wanted the people all around to disappear. He wanted them dead or gone. He could feel his blood boiling. He was getting angered. Before long, he let out a large yell.
When Dax yelled, a large transparent blue wave rushed out of his mouth. It ran over all of the people in the street. All but Ridely and Geraint seemed to blow away like embers.
"Did he just kill 'em all?" asked Geraint.
"I hope not -- I thought I saw my mother," said Ridely, he smirked after this statement. The three hurried out of the street and back into another alley. After they left, the people from the street seemed to blow back into place. Dax could hear them ask where he had gone. The three wandered down the dark alley trying to see over the buildings for something that would indicate the location of the church.
"Are you sure you know where you’re goin'?" asked Geraint.
"I think... well, no," answered Dax. He thought that the church was relatively close. He could feel his hands wobbling, he was growing weak.
"Need help?" asked Ridely as he held out his hands for Dax to put Mary. Dax was hesitant to give Mary to Ridely, but he needed the break.
"Please, do be careful, and thank you," said Dax. There was a slight quiver in Dax's voice; he was still sad about Mary's death.
They wandered down the alley, being careful not to drop Mary's body. Occasionally rats would scatter at the sound of their footsteps. There was very little light. None of them talked as they walked. They had no idea where they were heading. Dax was leading them on a wild goose chase, for there was no church in sight. Out in the distance something tall was growing over the horizon. It was a tall stone structure, similar to the church Dax had seen earlier.
"Is that the church?" asked Geraint.
"I do hope so," stated Ridely in a small hushed tone.
"It is," answered Dax.
The three began to walk faster towards the church. As they approached, a large foyer became very prominent. From it, a large tower developed. Both were made of gray stones. The foyer had many windows, all of which were dark and fogged. The church was surrounded by dark green grass. In the grass on the left side, they saw what looked like tomb stone.
"Let’s bring 'er over there," said Geraint. They walked over toward the stones. It was too dark to see where they were heading. Ridely yelled out, "Fiam Mundi!" A large orb of glowing white light appeared in front of the group. It followed them as they walked.
They found a patch of grass which was not occupied by another grave. Geraint, who was taking his turn carrying Mary, laid her down on the ground. Dax sat down next to Mary's body. His tears dropped down onto her body. She looked peaceful, almost as if she were just sleeping. Dax could only imagine how she had died. He knew now that she wasn't dead when he left her by the stones in the forest. Danica had actually lied to him. Mary must have followed Danica and him as they traveled to London. He knew that he had heard someone, or something, moaning his name in the silence of the nights. Had he only known it was Mary, he would have come running to her. The image of Mary smiling at him, was engraved in Dax's mind. He missed her. A loud sound startled Dax, Ridely, and Geraint. Ridely waved his hands in front of the glowing orb, and it went out.
"Who's out there! I saw thine torch!" yelled the voice of someone near the church. Dax stood up and walked toward the scratchy sounding voice. It kept yelling, "Show thy self!"
As Dax grew closer he saw that it was a priest. The priest was an older gentleman. He was balding, but had dark gray hair on the sides of his head. He was dressed in a dark brown, almost black, robe.
"It was I. My sister has died, and I wish to bury her," said Dax to the priest as he walked into the light which made him more visible.
"Why, is thy only the age of seven or eight," said the priest. Ridely and Geraint appeared behind Dax.
"Will you help us?" asked Dax.
"Wouldn't thine parents wish to be here?" asked the priest.
"I have none," answered Dax
"Then I can't see why I could not help thy," said the priest "What is thy name?"
"I am Dax Bennett, and these are my friends Geraint and Ridely," answered Dax.
"I am Paul. What was thy sister's name?" asked Paul.
"Her name was Mary," answered Dax. He led Paul to the location where they had laid Mary down. Paul said something to Dax that he could not hear; he nodded though. Dax's head went into a fog. He could barely tell what was going on around him. He knew that they were burying Mary, but he could not give any detail to what was happening. He felt faint and numb. The feeling was similar to the feeling he had when he received his first vision. Dax fell to the ground. This, to Dax's knowledge, did not seem to startle the others. A strange image developed in Dax's mind.
A man was standing on top of a large craggy hill. Smoke was rising out of fires that burned from behind the hill. The sky was a black color that faded to a dark red as it grew closer to the horizon. The man was dressed in pure black, similar to the way Danica was dressed. He was adorned in long robes, which were tattered on the end. He had a large belt on that had the scabbard of a sword. The hilt of the sword had a cloudy gem on it. The only color was his eyes, which was a dark bloody red. In the man's left hand he held a bone. The bone was very old. It looked as though the bone would turn to dist if he gripped any harder. The man's right, hand, though was surrounded by a dark shadows.
The shadows from the man's hands began to disperse. They split into three separate balls of shadows. The balls then flew into the ground around him and grew black where the shadows had entered. The black spots then rose off the ground forming into demons. The demons were completely black except for slits that had formed on their faces revealing glowing yellow eyes. The demons had wisps of shadows flowing off of them.
The man then thrust his arm forward. In reaction, the demons scattered in the direction of his thrust. He was directing them towards a town. The town was dark, and seemed lifeless. The demons attacked the town though, burning it to the ground. The town soon erupted in flames thanks to the demons. Dax could hear screams of terror. One of the screams sounded like Mary yelling for Dax. He knew that it couldn't be. This sound got louder and louder though. It also became more masculine, but not much.
The faces of Paul, Geraint, and Ridely began to fade into place. The images of their faces moved around as if they were smoke. They were fluid in motion, muffled sounds came out of their mouths, but Dax could not understand. A sudden falling sensation came over Dax. He could feel the grass and small blades were visible. The green of the grass slowly faded to black. Nothing could be heard, or seen. Dax wondered if he had somehow died. His thoughts were fading away, he was becoming nothing but an empty shell or so it felt. He had become unconscious.
"...Help me pick him up..." said a voice that sounded vaguely like Paul. Dax was slipping in and out of consciousness. He felt that he had been lifted into the air. A flicker of a face went by. Everything then went back to the state of nothing.
"..take him... why..." whispered a voice. Dax assumed that it was Ridely. Dax could tell he was being carried somewhere, but where he wondered.
"...safest... I know of..." said Paul. The faces of Ridely and Paul flickered into place in front of Dax. He wondered where Geraint was.
"...always... stay... me..." said Geraint. He was still not visible to Dax. Everything was fading in and out of a black state. There were no sounds though. Dax saw gray stone walls that towered over him and whoever was carrying him. This image soon faded to black. Dax could not see, hear, or feel anything. Then suddenly a loud sound of a door shutting echoed through his head. He had been placed down on something, something hard.
Dax lay still for a while before he finally regained full consciousness. He was lying on a hard bed. It felt like stone. The room was dimly lit. Three candles were on the opposite side of the room from Dax. They were the only source of light. Dax looked around the room. It was completely empty except for the bed he was on. There was a door not far from the bed. Dax coughed.
"He's awake, or coughing at least," said a voice from outside the door. The door was flung open by the source of the voice, Paul.
"Where am I?" asked Dax. He was confused immensely. "Also what happened how'd I get here?"
"Ye' is at my house," said Geraint who had just walked into the room.
"You fainted, I think, as we were burring Mary. W were going to ask ye' why, but it seems ye' don't know do ye'" said Ridely who followed Geraint in to the room.
"You need to rest Dax. We'll talk to you in the morning." said Paul. He pushed the other two out the door. Dax soon fell asleep.
Three Days Later - France - August 1458
The sun was half way through its cycle of rising and setting. It sat in the deep blue sky above a small town. There were very little traces of clouds in the sky. The light from the sun beamed down upon what appeared to be a normal town. Buildings lined streets that ran through the city, all inside a wall. Smoke rose from the houses inside the city. All seemed peaceful.
A dark looming figure stood outside the city on top of a hill. This figure happened to be a woman. She was dressed in entirely black. She wore robes that were large on her. The robes nearly covered her feet. The ends of the robes looked burned and tattered. The sleeves of the robes were long and open. When the woman held her arms out in front of her, the sleeves would almost touch the ground. Her hair was jet black, with a few streaks of gray. The gray though was hardly visible. The woman was known as the Black Maiden.
Around the woman was a forest of large dark trees. The trees were tall and crooked. Many of the trees bent and twisted with each other. The leaves of the trees were dark green, with the occasional red or orange leaf. The leaves were slowly falling off the trees. As each leaf fell off, the tree seemed to shiver as if it could feel the cold wind blowing through it. Out of the silence, large thumping sounds could be heard echoing out of the forest. At first the sound was quiet and muffled, but it grew louder. Each time the sound echoed, the ground shook, causing the trees to shiver. A large bulking silhouette could be seen through the trees. This was the source of the sound. Its large footsteps cause the shaking of the ground.
The Black Maiden stood silently waiting for the creature. Before it reached the place where she was standing, she held out her hand. It was the form of a fist. Darkness was enveloping the hand. Suddenly, and rapidly the woman let her hand out of the fist form causing the shadows and darkness to quickly disperse. The darkness, almost as if it was rain, fell to the ground around her. It sank in the cold ground below. Pitch black spots began to form where the darkness sank at.
The black spots, which were at first flat, began to bubble up and boil. This was forming strange creatures. The creatures were demons. The twelve demons had a thick oozing liquid falling off of them and on to the ground. The demons were a dark purple color, which was close to the color of black. They had large glowing yellow eyes. The eyes were crooked, and were faint in color. They had twisted horns that came out of their heads.
By the time all of the demons had fully formed, the creature from the woods had reached the edge of the forest. The Black Maiden turned around to face the creature as it walked out of the forest. It was a large, nearly ten feet tall. It was a dark dirty pale orange color. It had leathery skin that looked almost like scales. Its head looked like a large rock positioned atop another even larger rock. It had small eyes that were positioned in what looked like craters on the head. The creature also had a long tail that had spikes on the end. On its back, the creature had dirty brown plate armor on. Spikes were positioned on the back of the armor. As the creature walked out of the forest, the Black Maiden strode to it and jumped on to its back. From there she was able to control the creature.
The creature was the Black Maiden’s guardian spirit. Every living person in the world had a guardian spirit. A guardian spirit normally takes on the form of an animal, but it can change forms depending on the person. If a person has control over magic, they can summon their guardian spirit to protect them, or help them. The more powerful the person is the more physical of a form the spirit would have. The Black Maiden’s guardian spirit took the form of a demonic creature known as Bulloge. The word ‘bulloge’ was a word used by demonic worshipers it meant evil spirit.
The Black Maiden, who was riding the bulloge, began riding down the hill towards the city below. The demons followed. As they left the hill, the Black Maiden set the forest a blaze. With a flick of her finger, the entire forest was burning to the ground. The squeals from animals that lived in the forest could be heard as they scurried out of the forest. The demons then attacked the helpless animals after which they killed the animals, and continued to eat their dead bloody carcasses. Some of the demons even dragged dead animals to the bulloge, leaving a trail of blood behind. They then continued down the hill. As they did, the Black Maiden set everything they passed on fire.
Soon the Black Maiden and her demons reached the entrance to the city. A large brick wall surrounded the city. There was only one path into the city. The Black Maiden got off of her bulloge, and began standing in the center of the only path into the city. She held her arm out, almost as if she were pointing towards the city. This gesture directed the demons and the bulloge to begin to attack the city.
The demons crawled over the wall as well as rushed through the arch that formed the entrance to the city. Screams could be heard echoing from the city. Smoke began to rise from the city. It was growing thicker as time passed. The demons seemed to be searching for something as they attacked. The Black Maiden smirked, and began to walk into the city. Her guardian spirit began to destroy the wall that guarded the city. As it destroyed the wall, it threw pieces of the wall into the city. This destroyed parts of the city.
When the Black Maiden finally entered the city she saw that it was in mass chaos. She saw that the twelve demons were hunting down and killing the people who lived in the city. Bodies began to pile up blood began to stain the ground. The sky had grown a dark orange color.
As the Black Maiden walked past the crumbled and standing buildings they erupted in flames. The smirk on her face grew as the chaos grew. She soon reached the center of the city. There a church stood, nearly untouched by the chaos that inflicted the city.
“You think you are the mightiest of all!” yelled the Black Maiden in the direction of the church. Her voiced sounded hallow and wicked. It cracked as she talked like she had not talked for a long time. She clenched her hands into fists and let out a loud shrill scream. Starting directly between her feet, the ground began to split in two. The crack that formed from the splitting stretched out to the other side of the church. Flames erupted like geysers out of the crack. This caught the church on fire as it fell into the crack.
The church had fallen into the crack, but it was not completely below ground. Parts of the church still stuck out above the ground. The Black Maiden walked towards the rubble of the church. She began to climb to the highest point off of the ground. There she stared at the rubble beneath her feet. She waved her hand over the rubble, and it formed a thrown for her to sit in. There she sat as the chaos ensued. She continued to sit there until all of the people in the city were dead, and all the fires had burned themselves out. The demons then continued to search throughout the entire ruined city, They found absolutely nothing as they did.
Once she was satisfied with the results, the Black Maiden stood up from her thrown. She looked around the city from what was now the highest point of the city. She saw that some of the demons were crawling all over the rubble; others were eating the dead bodies. She figured that they had given up on their searched. She only hoped that they had found the relic which they longed for. She also saw that the bulloge was asleep not far from her position. Far in the distance she saw a figure riding on the path that led to the city. The figure seemed to be holding a flag. She assumed one thing when seeing this; the king must be heading this way. She then walked down from her perch, and when she reached the ground she disappeared. The demons also disappeared with her, as did the bulloge.

Spoiler
Sorry for it being really long, but these two parts really need to be read together. Thanks for reading and please leave your thoughts if you would. Thanks!




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Hi there. Okay, it was too long but I managed to read it. I haven't read the previous parts but I think I get the idea about what's going on here.
People of all sizes and shapes wandered the brick covered streets


Two boys, around the same age as Dax, were running towards him and Danica


Dax felt a sudden rush of jealousy at this sight. Dax had no friends, other than Danica. He wasn’t even sure if he could consider Danica to be a friend.

Okay here the fault is that you've used Dax too many times. You've made the same mistake in a few paragraph throughout the story. I'd suggest you correct that.
Dax felt a sudden rush of jealousy at this sight. He had no friends, other than Danica.
I hope you get the point here.

“Watch where ya goin,” yelled one of the boys as they ran past. The other had bumped into Dax. The one who had bumped into Dax stopped and turned around towards Dax.

These lines are a bit awkward. Try something like this,
"Watch where ya goin," yelled one of the boys as they ran past. The other one accidentally bumped into Dax and stopped. He turned around towards him and said,
“Sorry ‘bout that. Are you new here?”


“Yes, I am new to the city,” stated Dax.
“You talk like a older person,” said the other boy.
“Leave him alone Geraint,” said the taller boy.
“Whatever you wish Ridely,” said the shorter boy.

So here's another repetitiveness. 'Said' is used too many times here. It ruins the whole scene. Another thing is that it's hard to identify who bumped into Dax. Was it the taller boy or the shorter boy. Confusion

The second that they were no longer in sight she walked out of the city of London.

Here I don't understand how she can just walk out of the city. You can add a few more words here like,
The second they were no longer in sight, she turned around to leave. She walked for a short while (you can put a little description about her surrounding here. Don't just tell. Try to show as well. Show through the eyes of the person who is watching the scene. Here it Danica.) until she was out of the city. You don't need to mention london here because you've already mentioned above that they were in the city of london.

Danica’s eyes began to become watery as she left the city. After she was a few miles away, she was completely crying. She whispered to no one, “Good-Bye Dax.”


Diana's eyes were watery as she left. After she'd walked a few miles away from the city, she could not hold back her tears any longer. Danica burst into sobs. She whispered to herself, "Good-Bye Dax."

Dax looked up towards the sky. He could barely see the sky, and what he did see was cloudy.

Repetitiveness. Dax looked up towards the cloudy sky. All he could see was clouds.

Your story isn't bad at all. It's quite good, you know. At first I thought it would be some boring magic story but it's not. I can see that now. You just need to work on showing what the character is feeling. Try picturing yourself as the Dax. You'd know instantly how he'd feel at different situations. Showing grasps the readers' attention which is very important. But make sure you're telling as well. I feel sad after hearing about Mary. Aww... the poor girl. Dax lost his family! That's terrible. As I read, I kept hoping that maybe Mary would wake up now, maybe now... but she never did...
I love the story. Do keep on writing and sorry if I was a bit harsh here. These are just minor mistakes. You just need to proof read your work.




:)
You can wish for death... but you can't wish it away




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Twinkle4ever wrote:Hi there. Okay, it was too long but I managed to read it. I haven't read the previous parts but I think I get the idea about what's going on here.
People of all sizes and shapes wandered the brick covered streets


Two boys, around the same age as Dax, were running towards him and Danica


Dax felt a sudden rush of jealousy at this sight. Dax had no friends, other than Danica. He wasn’t even sure if he could consider Danica to be a friend.

Okay here the fault is that you've used Dax too many times. You've made the same mistake in a few paragraph throughout the story. I'd suggest you correct that.
Dax felt a sudden rush of jealousy at this sight. He had no friends, other than Danica.
I hope you get the point here.

“Watch where ya goin,” yelled one of the boys as they ran past. The other had bumped into Dax. The one who had bumped into Dax stopped and turned around
These lines are a bit awkward. Try something like this,
"Watch where ya goin," yelled one of the boys as they ran past. The other one accidentally bumped into
Dax and stopped. He turned around towards him and said

“Sorry ‘bout that. Are you new here?”


“Yes, I am new to the city,” stated Dax.

“You talk like a older person,” said the other boy.
“Leave him alone Geraint,” said the taller boy.
“Whatever you wish Ridely,” said the shorter boy.

So here's another repetitiveness. 'Said' is used too many times here. It ruins the whole scene. Another thing is that it's
hard to identify who bumped into Dax. Was it the taller boy or the shorter boy. Confusion

The second that they were no longer in sight she walked out of the city of London.

Here I don't understand how she can just walk out of the city. You can add a few more words here like,
The second they were no longer in sight, she turned around to leave. She walked for a short while (you
can put a little description about her surrounding here. Don't just tell. Try to show as well. Show through the eyes of the
person who is watching the scene. Here it Danica.) until she was out of the city.
You don't need to mention london
here because you've already mentioned above that they were in the city of london.

Danica’s eyes began to become watery as she left the city. After she was a few miles away, she was completely crying. She whispered to no one, “Good-Bye Dax.”


Diana's eyes were watery as she left. After she'd walked a few miles away from the city, she could not
hold back her tears any longer. Danica burst into sobs. She whispered to herself, "Good-Bye Dax."


Dax looked up towards the sky. He could barely see the sky, and what he did see was cloudy.

Repetitiveness. Dax looked up towards the cloudy sky. All he could see was clouds.

Your story isn't bad at all. It's quite good, you know. At first I thought it would be some boring magic story but it's not. I can see that now. You just need to work on showing what the character is feeling. Try picturing yourself as the Dax. You'd know instantly how he'd feel at different situations. Showing grasps the readers' attention which is very important. But make sure you're telling as well. I feel sad after hearing about Mary. Aww... the poor girl. Dax lost his family! That's
terrible. As I read, I kept hoping that maybe Mary would wake up now, maybe now... but she never did...
I love the story. Do keep on writing and sorry if I was a bit harsh here. These are just minor mistakes. You just need to proof read your work.



Thanks for reading an sorry it was too long. I did not realize this until I posted, this is in dire need of editing. I thought I had gone through and edited. When it comes to the part about Danica, it was really explained in the previous part. But will defiantly take you ideas into consideration

:)



It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming