Shattered Hearts

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Hey guys! Its been a while since I've posted anything on this site. I recently started something new, and so far I really like where its heading. The issue I run into is I find it really good, even though I have no idea if it really is. So thanks for reading if you do.


"They loved you, you know. He did, she did especially," said a kind gracious voice. Old white hair wrinkled in places that hair should never be wrinkled flowed downward over an equally wrinkled face. Pearls that were in reality teeth shone out of the slight smile that the woman had. Her cold gray marble colored eyes stared down at a small boy who trembled with fear. Her kindness and warmth engulfed the boy as she wrapped her arms around him in one large swoop. "They always will love you," finished the woman. The boy stared up at her with his dark amber eyes. They glistened with light as small tears formed. The tears began to roll down over his small rounded nose all the way down to his small quivering mouth. He tried to fake a smile, but could not. His attitude was full of melancholy.
The woman's empathetic eyes left the boy and stared out into the vast blue ocean. Two caskets, dark mahogany in color, waded in the water rocking back and forth as the white waves rushed over them. Torches line the pale brown sandy coast line that went on for ages in both directions. The flames of the torches bore a light yellow color that was blended perfectly with a dark orange color. The sun which was the same colors as the fire of the torches touch the pale blue horizon of the ocean. Golden light was sent outward towards the coastline. A man dressed in ragged robes stood in front of the two caskets next to an alter that looked as though it was about to fall apart. He held both hands up as if he were praising an enigmatic superior being. He had been talking, droning on for hours and finally he finished his statement with, "And in our love we send them forth to a better world."
An old man, thin as paper, walked up next to the woman and the boy. He put his arm around the boy, struggling to do so. The old man tried as hard as he could to rustle the boys dirty dark brown hair. The robed man slowly but surely walked up to the caskets his arms still raised in the air as if praising someone. Finally as he let down his arms, which made a small creaking sound as if they had not been moved in decades, he swiftly pushed the caskets into the ocean. They sat there at first. Shaking in the calm wake of the ocean. But eventually as all things do, the caskets began to drift off into the open ended ocean. The robed man was heard yet again saying softly, "And with our love, we send them forth."
The robed man walked by the small boy patting him on the head in the process. He whispered something that was un able to be understood. And with a quick emotionless smile, the robed man disappeared beyond the back of the beach. The boy stood watching the caskets as they slowly became speaks on the open pale blue ocean. Surely enough time had passed to the point where the sun was hardly visible anymore, and the caskets were had completely vanished. "Come Brenton, it's time to go home," stated the old woman as she looked down at the boy who was still softly crying. She urged the old man to help her pry the boy away from the shore. Eventually the boy gave up on seeing the casket flow away and silently sulked as he walked back home.




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Hi there! Well I must say I truly enjoyed this. The description and emotion in this makes it beautiful to read. It paints a clear picture of the scene in my head and makes me happy I found it. Well I only have one thing that caught my attention. It is the last paragraph and second sentence where it says
That was un able to be understood.
there shouldn't be a space between un and able. But other than that I didn't spot anymore more spelling errors. I loved the idea and honestly can't find much wrong. Hope this helps a little bit. Good luck and hope you get many helpful reviews. ^^
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




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Hi there!
So, I like what you've written here, it's a very captivating idea and I hope there's more!...
I didn't notice any spelling or grammar either, unless I missed something.
You've described everything nicely and there is a good amount of detail and dialogue. I am a tad confused about the plot but I assume it will all be cleared up later on.
Anyway, keep writing! I look forward to reading more :)
-Briggsy
but the sky is love and i am for you
just so long and long enough
-E.E. Cummings




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Soulkana wrote:Hi there! Well I must say I truly enjoyed this. The description and emotion in this makes it beautiful to read. It paints a clear picture of the scene in my head and makes me happy I found it. Well I only have one thing that caught my attention. It is the last paragraph and second sentence where it says
That was un able to be understood.
there shouldn't be a space between un and able. But other than that I didn't spot anymore more spelling errors. I loved the idea and honestly can't find much wrong. Hope this helps a little bit. Good luck and hope you get many helpful reviews. ^^
Soulkana<3


Thanks! And I'll fix that. I just realized though that I may have posted this in the wrong section. Ugh.

briggsy1996 wrote:Hi there!
So, I like what you've written here, it's a very captivating idea and I hope there's more!...
I didn't notice any spelling or grammar either, unless I missed something.
You've described everything nicely and there is a good amount of detail and dialogue. I am a tad confused about the plot but I assume it will all be cleared up later on.
Anyway, keep writing! I look forward to reading more :)
-Briggsy


Thanks! And ya the plot will determinately be cleared up. This is more or less a prologue of sorts. But I don't think the plot will be anything anyone is expecting after reading this. It veers off in a different path, a good path though.




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Spoiler
Well here is an update to the first post. Thanks for reading!


Sand and jagged rocks that filled the beach slowly turned to trees and dark green, close to black, grass. Trees towered over a small cobble stone road that wound its way through a think underbrush of the forest. Leaves that started off green, and turned slowly turned red, fell soft towards the ground. Brenton and the woman helped the old man along the path. They both knew he was fragile, but they loved him either way. Brenton was in fact the grandson of the woman and man, after all he was sometimes regarded as a spitting image of the old man. Eventually the three found their way back to the outskirts of a small kingdom named Azure. Their house sat on a precarious hill that overlooked miles of open field. One single tree sat at the top of the hill directly next to the house. Dark roots, which were turned pale from the, were uprooted in several places and in fact formed the edges of the house.
A staircase made of a rough gray stone carved its way through the hill up towards the slightly crooked house. Slowly Brenton helped the two weak elders up the oddly placed steps. One by one they climbed, and surely enough with every step or so they stopped to take an ever so precious breath. The sun had already fallen underneath the range of mountains that tapered off in the distance, and the moon was just now choosing to begin its accent into the dark blue sky that was splattered with stars. Before long, despite the fact that it seemed like days for Brenton, they reached the top of the hill and the door of the house.
"Thank you for everything you've done for me the past few days," stated Brenton as he bore his head downward. The old woman twisted herself so that she could make eye contact with the boy. She then finally added, "It is what grandmothers are for." The boy stared into her wide loving eyes, as the grandfather stood leaning on the house.
"We're not planning to stand out here all night are we? The guards will be by soon," coughed the old man. His tone was surprisingly serious. The Brenton then walked into the house followed his grandparents. With a loud slam, the door was shut enclosing the house from the growing darkness outside. The heavens slowly went in their usual routine, taking a break only when the night was finished. The shadows of the hill and house grew to the point where they encompassed all around them. Off in the distance sat a silent and still tower. It leaned to the right slightly, to the point where it was hardly noticeable unless you were directly under it. The tower stretch out from a grand castle that was laid out all across the valley below.
A top the tower was a singular room which was perched just right so that one could see out across the entire Kingdom of Azure. Far north of the tower stood a vast forest that spanned for mile until it reached the Deserts of Ro. To the south lay the plains filled with grassed stained crimson from the countless wars fought. The plains had been deemed the Blood Plains. To the west was the coast which opened up the grand deep blue ocean. While to the east another great plains developed, this time though it led towards another, far more vile, kingdom known as Tyruss.
A woman with long blonde hair that flowed over her shoulders and fell graciously upon her breasts stood staring out of the large window atop the tower. Her eyes were cold, and colored a dark gray color. She bore a white dress that had glints of a darker gray hidden within it. Slowly she scanned the night sky watching for anything that seemed unfamiliar. It was methodical of her to watch the night sky. The diamonds suspended in the sky slowly passed by her eyes with any sort of reaction.
"Why is it I can always find you here?" asked an old raspy voice. The woman did not flinch, or even react for that matter. It was hard to tell if she even knew that someone had even spoken. Behind her a small shady figure appeared. The figure was very masculine and harbored the raspy voice that had spoken as it walked in to the tower. A thin wiry beard hung from the chin of the figure, a symbol of all the years the man had lived. His eyes seemed lost as he looked for the woman, hardly noticing where exactly she was. A long leopard skin robe hung around the neck of the man and dragged along the ground as he walked.
"I study the sky for any signs of irregularity," stated the woman; her voice just as cold as the eyes that scrutinized the sky.
"Yes... but why?" asked the man. He walked up even closer to the woman and seemed almost startled when he could fully make her figure out from the blurriness which he saw.
"Lysander once told me that the sky would show the signs of a coming end," murmured the woman. Her words hardly wanted to form and seemed as though they just fell out of her mouth.
"The prophet? What does he know? He once said I was going to die by the thirtieth year of my life. Look at me know, entering the hundredth year of my reign," blabbered the old man. He hardly realized that woman was barely paying attention.
"He know more than you think father. He did accurately predict the end of winter for the past three years," stated the woman. She turned around from the window to face her father who stood eyes squinted and leaning forward.
"Even I, a nearly blind king, could have predicted that my fair Omella," said the old feeble king. He squinted even harder to catch an accurate glimpse of his daughter. It had been years since he had truly seen her. She had grown up so much so in the time since his eyes began to fail. She was once a small tiny little girl, and now she was an elegant beautiful princess who drew men from far and wide to fight for her honor.
"Now father, your being a little harsh. I think Lysander has done more than enough to prove himself," stated Omella. She leaned down and sat on step. From where she had been standing a staircase, consisting of two steps, lead down into a far more vast room full of an odd assortment of chairs and aging wooden objects.
"I think you are showing your true colors again," stated the king. He leaned down and kissed his daughter on the check, whispering "I love you" in the process. Afterwards he slowly walked out of the room. Omella sat thinking for a few moments before she stood back up to stare out into the vast kingdom that she would someday rule. Her mind floated off into another realm, and missed the flickering in and out a several of the stars in the night sky. It was almost as if the stars had fallen out of the sky.
The disappearance of the stars had not been missed by Brenton who was sitting outside on the top most step of the staircase in the hill. He could not help but make connections between the disappearing stars the recent death of his parents. He knew, as did most people in the world, that the stars represented the hearts of the living. If a star had vanished, then it meant that his parents were truly gone. Sadness swept over him. Dreadful melancholy set in. He was never going to feel the warmth of his mother again. Never would he learn the meaning of life from his father. Never would they tell him good night again. Never would they tell him that they loved him. Amongst all the sadness, there was hope. He had closure where most did not. The hearts of most the dead did flicker out in the sky, rather they grew even brighter. At least he knew his parents true fate, where others do not know where their loved ones lay.



Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis